shall I tell him how I feel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
shall I tell him how I feel?
3
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:04am
Hi everyone,
This is the first time I am posting on this board. I have been involved with a married man for seven months. We met at work (but we do not work together). He is 40, I am 31, he got married at 18 and has two children, ages 15 and 19. He is the opposite of every man I have ever dated. I have a successfull job, earning almost three times what he does, I have studied abroad, I am athletic and independent. He has not gone to the university, he has long hair (not at all the "businessman" type of man I am usually with), he likes doing things that are new to me (and I like doing them with him). Our childhoods and lives have been completely different, yet I love him so much. I don't mind the differences, though I perfectly understand how they can be a problem for us even on simple occasions - sometimes he tells me that he can not come with me at such place because he does not have an adequate shirt or pants... But I don't care! I'd rather go to "his" places than to my hi society parties, really. And he works "like a dog", as we say in my country, double and triple shifts, to provide to his family (his wife does not work).
He never talks badly about his wife. Actually, he almost never talks about her at all - he has only told me that they hardly ever make love any more. He has told me that he will eventually get a divorce, because he is 40 and he can not imagine living the following forty years of his life in this situation, cheating on his wife. He tells me that he loves me, and he seems to be very happy when he is with me. Of course, I understand that this is normal - I am his mistress after all, if I weren't making him happy he wouldn't be with me at all. Also, may I add that our intimate moments are exceptional...
So, I have come to the conclusion that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have had two long term and a couple of short term relationships before but it is the first time that I feel I want to do everything that is in my power to be happy with this man. And, I also feel that I now know what it takes to build and maintain a healthy relationship (please don't tell me that once a cheater, always a cheater, I know, and I'd rather nor consider it at this moment). I want to commit to this man. So, the question is, do I tell him? Do I ask him if he intends to ever get a divorce? (If he says yes, then I know I won't wait forever). Do I tell him how I feel and what I want?
If anyone has ever been in my shoes, please give me your advice. How did you handle it?
Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:17am

Euro

I think just about every woman he has been in your shoes to some degree.

The reality is that the vast majority of the men that cheat on the woman they made vows to will NEVER leave them for the OTHER WOMAN add to this that maybe 3 percent of affair based relationships really go the distance as marriages plus second marriages have a 75 to 85 percent divorce rate ETC....

In time the infatuation period will end and you will start to see him warts and all, the age difference will get more pronounced in a few years and you may find his places and friends less charming when there a 24/7 part of your life.

IN SHORT IT'S A BAD RISK, not impossible but pretty close.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 12:21pm

Hi,

To answer your question, yes, it sounds like you are tired of being a mistress (as you should be!) and want a man for your own. You are 31 and really, its a collosal waste of your time to be doing this. Do you want to get married and have a family of your own? I am 32 and dealing with this issue. So, yes by all means, tell this guy that you've enjoyed the time you've spent together and you care about him and if he gets divorced, you'd love to date him and see where it goes but for now, you have to move on and take care of your own life and happiness. Easier said than done of course but your time is valuable. Don't waste it on a MM. See what he says. He'll proabably give you a whole lot of words and little action. Time away from him will show you what it really is. Either he'll just find someone to replace you, decide to work on his marriage, or get that divorce. Removing yourself from the situation will leave the decision where it belongs - in his hands.

JMHO,
Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:59am
Thank you Ivy for your reply. I expect a "no divorce" answer, this is why I am so scared. Though he says he loves me, he never, never, NEVER talks about divorce. And though I know what I should do, I don't know if I am ready to do it. Of course, my mind tells me that life goes on, even after him... I have already tried to date other people (it's so easy, you have so much time alone...) but the truth is that nothing works.
Anyway, you are right, I'll take the risk and talk to him.