She is good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
She is good!
4
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 1:47am

Second therapy session. Man oh man self reflection is hard and painful and necessary. This is going to be long...

During the last session we basically just covered the basics, but today...we hit the mother load. She started by asking how I was feeling. I told her I was tired and sad. She asked why I was sad. I said because I felt like I lost my best friend. She then began to ask me questions about why I thought he was my best friend. She asked if he would be there for me at anytime of the night, no. She asked if I felt that I could be completely honest with him, no. Ect, Ect. Then she told me to take him out of the picture and now who would my best friend be. I told her and she relayed those questions again. I answered yes to all of them. She told me to just think about that.

Next she asked about my parents and their marriage. Oh boy. My parents have been married almost 50 years. Were they/Are they happy? Sometimes. My father is a business man. Very into the community and church. My mother is a housewife. They both look really good from the outside, but the inside is a different story. For as long as I can remember I watched my father belittle my mother. To the point where she barely leaves the house. She has no friends and does nothing, I mean NOTHING, for herself. My father had many affairs, that my mother knew of. She did nothing. For a long time I hated her for that. I thought she was weak and I told her so (only time my mother ever hit me). Slowly I started turning that hate from my mother to my father. I realized that mother was doing what she felt she had to do. She depended on my father for everything. My T asked me how I felt about that. I told her that I was scared of turning into my mother. She said we would discuss that more next week, but before I left she wanted to know if I had been in contact with xAP or if he had contacted me again. I told her no, but I am constantly thinking about it. She told me not to contact xAP this week. Instead she wants me to think about what would happen if I called him. She wants me to play out the conversation in my head and write it down and bring it in next week. Interesting...

I feel like we are breaking the ice a little bit. She just listens to me talk and asks the right questions. Its so nice to have someone to talk to like that. I highly recommend it to everyone going through this.

So with that being said...why is it that immediately when I got in my car to go home I wanted to contact xAP and tell him about it? I need a good swift kick in the a$$. One more day of NC behind me. One day closer to getting myself back.

On a lighter note me and the H had a great weekend. On Sunday night he played this song for me. He said the guy wrote it about his wife being sick or something, but when he heard it he thought about me and what I am going through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNCgfrjKcqs

By the way Iddy, in a previous post you said that my H should go to T too. He won't have it. He down right refuses. Believe me, I've tried.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: whoiwanttobe
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 10:03am
Wow, a H that knows what you're going through and feels bad for you. Now that's love. He is sticking by you regardless of your actions. Amazing. A keeper. I hope you realize that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: whoiwanttobe
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:13pm

WIWTB,


<>


Not unusual, Who, which is very unfortunate, but the fact that you are going is what really matters anyway. Your windows of your heart and mind are going to be opened, and this is a very enlightening experience.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: whoiwanttobe
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 2:03pm

Hi WIWTB,


Introspection is hard work but so worth it! It will answer so many questions in your life including but not limited to why you had the A. It is the “right stuff” and will help you see the A for what it was; xAP for who he was and who he wasn’t; and it can make all the difference in healing and moving forward in your life. It’s like Lasik surgery. It will help you see things 20/20.


You mentioned your skewed view of xAP as a friend.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
In reply to: whoiwanttobe
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 2:08pm

WhoIwanttobe,

Wow, your story is similar to mine, when you talk about your mother and father. My mother also had no friends, did nothing for herself, accused my father of affairs......They were married 30 years and are now seperated and I am terrified of turning into her.

I am starting therapy again next month- had to take a break because of finances. :)

Good luck to you in this journey- you have showed much courage.

Love,
Hazel