She said goodbye today
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| Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:34pm |
Basically, my MW wrote me an e-mail today.
Here is my story (simplified version):
We meet in Feb. at a conference. We are both married. Me for almost 5 years and her for less then a year. I honestly have never been so drawn to someone and felt so connected to someone so instantaneously. I was amazed how much so and she was aswell to me, I believe. The conference was in a different state so we had to split our ways. We live about 6 hours drive from each other. We began talking over e-mail and messenger. And things flourished even more and we both knew how deeply in love we were with each other. So, at the beginning of April, I had business near her town and we decided to meet. We ended up spending 3 days together. And I really don't want to say what happened, but those three days I have never felt more alive and more happy. I constantly think how I wish how I could live that movie Ground Hog Day, where I just kept waking up on the same day, and could repeat those three days over and over again.
We grew together and she inspired me so much to be this amazing man. When we returned to our normal lives, I felt happy, truely. But something aweful happen. Her H found out. She quickly told him nothing happened and swore that we didn't sleep together, so on so forth. But when that happened, things changed. He was so hurt and to this day I feel aweful for hurting her H. From what I can tell, he is a nice guy but doesn't give her the emotional intamacy that she really needs, where I did. He was in a lot of pain, and she knew it. So she decided to work on her marriage. And she slowly distanced herself from me, further and further. Her husband made her promise that she wasn't speaking to me. So she would only talk to me at work.
And today it happened. She sent me an e-mail. In it she wrote how still talking with me only premetuated her lie and that she wanted to turn over a new leaf. She included how beautiful I made her feel and how cherrished she felt. And she said she would miss me always.
I haven't written her back and I know she is waiting. But at this point I don't know what to say. I love her so much. It's as if she is the one meant for me, and I know it. But for whatever reason, our love is being denied.
I have two fears now.
The first is that she is staying with her husband only cause she can't bear to bring this nice guy so much angish.
The second is to now have to go through the rest of my life only imagining what she is doing, what she is thinking, how she looks today, is she thinking of me, is she happy or sad, how was her day at work, will I ever get to see her pretty eyes again. I know, I'm aweful! and that I know have lost by best friend.
But these thoughts are so painful to me. I don't know how I can go on. I honestly feel like dying. I am married. How do I hide the emotions from my own wife? My marriage isn't aweful by any means, it's just mediocre. My wife is more concerned with getting new vinyl siding on the house and working. It just seems that we lost what we once may have had. I do love her, very much. And I never wish to cause her harm or grief.
I feel like I know the answers to all my questions. Move on! Dumb Ass! But still I hope for someone to tell me something that might give my heart just a single ounce of comfort. I need now more then ever. I'm really hurting inside.
Thank you for listening.
Gabillion

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Its is not really out of lines of common decency and respect by any means. I know I will do that for my husband if he ever found out about my OM. You see I can't let him be by himself under those circumstances. I think he is going to hurt himself or go mad or something. I do care for him for those things not to happen to him. Sometimes I did wish he will find somebody who will make it easier for me to leave, but I know that is not the case with him. He still wants to be with me. So I am here with him. I do like the man but is not in love with him. He has been a part of my life for more than a decade.
AS far as not being able to see her again, never say never. A lot of the people on this board including myself go back and forth. It is so hard to be in an A. We all take it day by day here and so must you. Today is accept that you will never see her again and who knows what tomorrow may bring.. I wish you the best.
PS: Send her an email saying you understand and you won't contact her any more. That way its is easier for you and her to get to a closure point.
Juliet
oh, btw, I feel bad for leaving my om alone too. I don't him to be doing anything he shouldn't really be doing - moping or hurting himself or anything like that. I worry about him too. :) I know I am hopeless, but at least I have a heart, albeit a broken one...
Edited 6/16/2004 4:15 pm ET ET by julietsfate
So, what do you do? I think you need to take stock of your life at this point. You didn't mention if there are children in either marriage - that always changes the picture slightly. Basically, think about what you were expecting in your affair. I know you miss her. But, were you hoping to keep your relationship an affair? Are you having second thoughts about being married? What happened in your marriage that drove you to choose to go outside of it to find those missing pieces? Big question here... are you still in love with your wife and do you want to grow old with her? If you still love your wife, then you need to grieve the loss of your affair and make the magic happen again in your marriage. If your marriage is dead in your mind and you don't want to fix it, then you should be a decent man and end your marriage. All of the answers to those questions have nothing to do with your affair or your MW. They have to do with your marriage and your needs. I still believe that affairs are symptoms of unhappy marriages.
...And, did you meet your soul-mate when you met your MW? ... it may have felt like it at the time ... then again, if you starve someone for a long time and then feed them bread and lentil soup, that probably is the best tasting meal that they've ever had (at that time) ... you get the picture. You guys may have been really great together if you had met her first - then again, maybe not. You have to try to go with your heart on that one. I think when we are starving in failing marriages, the crumbs of an affair are wonderful at the beginning.
Take a look at what your long-term expectations of your affair were and analyze how realistic they were. Would you have left your marriage to be with her? Did you ever think about doing it? Would she have left her marriage to be with you? Usually, someone chickens out in the process. That's why most affairs don't work out for the long-term. If you end a marriage, it should be because it can't be salvaged or you don't want to. An affair can't grow into a real relationship unless you both break out of the affair situation at the same time. That usually doesn't happen. Did you just hope that you guys could stay in an affair indefinitely? By trying to answer those questions, you may gain insight as to why you had your affair, what broke in your marriage, if it can be fixed, and what you expected to gain from the affair (i.e. what's missing in your marriage that you got from the affair).
Keep posting here. It helps to ease the pain somewhat and forces you to think about what you want out of life. I could not stay in my marriage because I no longer loved my husband and too much damage had been done to reverse things ... I was in love with another man and my husband didn't deserve that, no matter what he did to me. So, I got out. My MM is still in a dead-end marriage and he doesn't have the balls to do anything about it. He doesn't want to improve his marriage (not sure he could at this point) and he doesn't have the strength to get out. It's kind of a crazy way to spend your life, if you ask me. I think doing nothing to improve your life is the worst thing you can do. Again, it has nothing to do with the affair - it has to do with staying in a bad marriage and doing nothing about it because it's easier on everyone that way...or so we think.
I guess my bottom line is, do you love your wife? That answer alone will set you on the right path. Take care.
Bird
Do yourself a favor and think carefully about how to respond to her message. Do it in a way that you can be proud of, so you will have no regrets about it later. (I sent my XMM the lyrics to a beautiful song by Blessid Union of Souls called "Peace and Love," and the words meant a lot to both of us & brought us both comfort. (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blessidunionofsouls/peaceandlove.html) )
You are embarking on a journey now to learn more about yourself and your marriage. What was missing in your life, what void was there that made you have this affair? You will have to do a lot of work to fill that void in a healthy way. You'll slowly come to realize what was unhealthy about the way you were conducting your relationship; how it is an addiction, a fantasy.
I hope I don't sound like a jerk! I just have SO been where you are and I wish I had had someone to talk to me about it at that point. I was in the A for 5.5 years! I really, deeply believed we were soulmates! But since it ended, my life has really gotten SO much better. I'm living in the REAL world now, I'm paying attention to the important things, and I've gotten back in the groove with my H. I still think of the XMM a lot but no longer in an obsessive way, and I am pretty damn sure he still thinks of me, too. :)
((More Hugs)). Hang in there, I promise you again that eventually it will all be okay!
Your post struck a cord with me. I left my OM still desperatly in love with him but finally deciding(after almost a year) that i owed it to my H to make it work. Maybe I can give you some perspective on what she is going through right now.
My h is a good caring man. Not my sexual equal but very willing to learn. We married young and had a lot of growing up to do. When things got bad- i shut down and met someone else. On a fluke- I wasn't looking. But we clicked. Everything dh lacked, om had and more. He was older(only 3 years) but adored me. The farther the relationship got, the more i realized i was short changing the two people who care for me the most, dh and oM. OM is a great guy, could meet any girl and make her crazy happy but he didn't have the greatest opinion of himself. I think my role in his life was to help him build that. I don't think he would have come out of our breakup as well as he did without that- no cockiness in that, the truth.
So, two months later, i think about om everyday. Not 50 times anymore, maybe once or twice. And i miss him. Because i think that he could have been my soulmate but im now more open that i may have two.
Dh and i are better bordering on a really good marriage. He never found out about a though he suspected it.
So, Does your MW love you, I'm sure. Does she miss you, I'm sure she does. Is this breaking her heart as much as it is yours, you bet. But neither of you were ready to leave what your life to pursue a future so how else was this to end. because ultimatly an A is a fantasy and reality is a hell of a lot more difficult to get through.
Closure- write her that email. Tell her everything you feel and want to say. And then let her go. Because you cannot have a successful relationship based on guilt and betrayl and that will come back to her if that is why she is holding on to her M.
The second is to now have to go through the rest of my life only imagining what she is doing, what she is thinking, how she looks today, is she thinking of me, is she happy or sad, how was her day at work, will I ever get to see her pretty eyes again. I know, I'm aweful! and that I know have lost by best friend.
Tell her the above.
I felt like xMM was my soul mate. I constantly wonder if I will ever find someone to make me feel like I did when I was with him. xMM's wife found out and told him to choose between her and their family or me. Needless to say, he choose them. Recently I have tried to look at the situation from a different perspective - HIS VIEW. I am trying to respect that me contacting him only makes the situation worse. If I was in his shoes and trying to to redevote myself to my marriage the last thing I would want is for my X to keep contacting me. It isn't the easiest thing but I try to keep good thoughts that xMM still thinks about me and the times that we had together and still misses me.
I would respond the her email in a few days after you collect your thoughts. I would reassure her that she will remain in your thoughts and you will cherish the times that you spent together. Perhaps it will provide a little closure for both of you.
Try to look at the A as a learning experience to figure out what is missing in your marriage. See if you can try to determine how to fill the voids that are there.
One of the worst parts about the end of my A was there was no one to talk to. This board helped tremendously but I was unable to grieve in the open. It is hard to hold all of those feelings in. Also, you can not explain to anyone what is wrong really either.
It will take time but it does get easier. Keep coming back here and post often. Know that there is support here for you.
Affairs are fantasies in the beginning. You were together on unrealistic no pressure terms, no bills to pay, work to be done around the house etc...the initial lovey dovey courting love changes in time into real love...a real relationship.
It sounds as though your MW does love her husband and cares for you...but she made a promise to her dh she is married to him and perhaps she also realizes that in time the feelings you two had will fade into a more real everyday love like the one she has with her dh and the one you have with your wife.
Part of people getting into A's is the excitement and having someone to focus 100% on you..not putting you second to work, chores and kids.
Realize that you once felt something wonderful with your wife. Tell your wife how you now feel. Let her know to some extent you were attracted to someone else and felt that your are both drifting apart and that you want what you had in the past back. I am sure your wife does not have a clue how you are feeling about her or your marriage...she is caught up in everyday life.
The MW has made her decision and for now her dh comes first and she can not rebuild her marriage and still be seeing you and vs versa for you.
Tell your wife your feelings....book a vacation...a fantasy away...work on what drew you together.
The Affair was a bit of a fantasy....the setting was a fantasy...it was a place you both escaped from real life. All fantasies fade and love changes from new love to comfortable love...but in order to keep it going you have to keep putting your relationship with your spouse first in your lives.
Best of Luck....turn all the energy you are putting into grieving the loss of the OW into rebuilding your life with your wife. If rebuilding does not work then you need to figure out if you want to continue in your marriage. It would also not be a bad idea to speak to a counselor about what you are going through.
Best of luck.
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