She said goodbye today
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:34pm |
Basically, my MW wrote me an e-mail today.
Here is my story (simplified version):
We meet in Feb. at a conference. We are both married. Me for almost 5 years and her for less then a year. I honestly have never been so drawn to someone and felt so connected to someone so instantaneously. I was amazed how much so and she was aswell to me, I believe. The conference was in a different state so we had to split our ways. We live about 6 hours drive from each other. We began talking over e-mail and messenger. And things flourished even more and we both knew how deeply in love we were with each other. So, at the beginning of April, I had business near her town and we decided to meet. We ended up spending 3 days together. And I really don't want to say what happened, but those three days I have never felt more alive and more happy. I constantly think how I wish how I could live that movie Ground Hog Day, where I just kept waking up on the same day, and could repeat those three days over and over again.
We grew together and she inspired me so much to be this amazing man. When we returned to our normal lives, I felt happy, truely. But something aweful happen. Her H found out. She quickly told him nothing happened and swore that we didn't sleep together, so on so forth. But when that happened, things changed. He was so hurt and to this day I feel aweful for hurting her H. From what I can tell, he is a nice guy but doesn't give her the emotional intamacy that she really needs, where I did. He was in a lot of pain, and she knew it. So she decided to work on her marriage. And she slowly distanced herself from me, further and further. Her husband made her promise that she wasn't speaking to me. So she would only talk to me at work.
And today it happened. She sent me an e-mail. In it she wrote how still talking with me only premetuated her lie and that she wanted to turn over a new leaf. She included how beautiful I made her feel and how cherrished she felt. And she said she would miss me always.
I haven't written her back and I know she is waiting. But at this point I don't know what to say. I love her so much. It's as if she is the one meant for me, and I know it. But for whatever reason, our love is being denied.
I have two fears now.
The first is that she is staying with her husband only cause she can't bear to bring this nice guy so much angish.
The second is to now have to go through the rest of my life only imagining what she is doing, what she is thinking, how she looks today, is she thinking of me, is she happy or sad, how was her day at work, will I ever get to see her pretty eyes again. I know, I'm aweful! and that I know have lost by best friend.
But these thoughts are so painful to me. I don't know how I can go on. I honestly feel like dying. I am married. How do I hide the emotions from my own wife? My marriage isn't aweful by any means, it's just mediocre. My wife is more concerned with getting new vinyl siding on the house and working. It just seems that we lost what we once may have had. I do love her, very much. And I never wish to cause her harm or grief.
I feel like I know the answers to all my questions. Move on! Dumb Ass! But still I hope for someone to tell me something that might give my heart just a single ounce of comfort. I need now more then ever. I'm really hurting inside.
Thank you for listening.
Gabillion

Pages
To answer some of your questions. There are no kids in either relationship.
As far as loving my wife. Yes, I love her. But my love for her is different now. It seems more like a caring love and not the romantic love that I long for. We do go on walks, plant flowers together, we even exersize together. But yes, I do love her. We do so much together.
For everyone, thank you for your posts, advice, and just listening. It gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone in this world. That there are people sharing what I share. From start to finish I knew my OW for only a few short months, but it felt like we knew each other somehow long before we met and that we've been friends for years. I really feel for those of you have been with each other for years. I can't imagine.
I've started a letter back to her. Putting down all my thoughts. But everytime I write more or read it, I just end up crying. The only time I can cry is at the bathroom at work and in my commute home.
I'm so broken. So Broken.
Gabillion.
Thanks again for listening.
Pages