She's away...I'm gonna run...
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| Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:33am |
Secondly, this "backing off" just can't work the long run like this. At least, without possibly as much pain and suffering as a full blown A. We just work too close together and feel too much for each other...at least I do. Sure, maybe *I* can back off and make my message clear. Maybe *I* can finally get her to realize what my goal is. Maybe *I* can be the one to successfully end this "nothing" that has been between us...but then what? Then *I* need to continue to see her everyday. *I* need to live with the knowledge that this terrific person was purposely hurt by ME just because we got along together??
So...I'm going to run. I've accepted a position in another department. It's in the next city over, and will unfortunately put me farther away from my family, higher taxes, long commute, blah blah...but this is the ONLY solution I can find to TRULY breaking off this "nothing." I'm told my transfer may not happen for a couple of months, but my OW just left on a week's vacation. I am going to ask that this transfer happen ASAP. I'll inevitably receive the "But why?" e-mail or phone call...but by then it will be over with. I can just explain that it was something I had to do, something that just came up. I had to go.
Am I doing the right thing? What's done is done though...I'm moving for sure. I'm the one running away. I have to sacrific more time away from my family to do so. I don't know if others on this board would have done the same thing having the opportunity, but it's the only way I can see to avoid all this pain. I'm crazy about this person...and shouldn't be. Is it cowardly? Should I go while she is away? If I can't transfer in time, I will surely have to confront her personally. Then what do I really say when she asks why I did this? NOW can I reveal my feelings, so we can get the (quick?) pain over with and have some CLOSURE?
More Faithful...yet More Tempted than ever...

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I'm new here from the affair board and was just going to "lurk" for a while, but I feel I most post to you. I am very happily married for 20+ years. I had only been with my H sexually until about 6 months ago. I could be your OW. I don't want to brag, but need to to get my point across. I am gorgeous and everyone stares wherever I go. I have been told numerous times that I look better than the playboy playmates. I am also very intelligent and very friendly. BUT, all of this does not mean that life is perfect for me. I am very unhappy inside and never can quite figure out why. I had a younger SG start flirting with me one year ago this month. Really, the first one to approach me since I got married. Just because a woman is gorgeous does not mean that this happens to her. Just the opposite in fact. Men do not generally approach me. We e-mailed for a while, then when things became sexual, BAM, away he went. I couldn't get anything out of him. I then became the pursuer. Me, the gorgeous one, with a great M, was pursuing this more or less dead beat of a person. It hurt my self esteem something horrible. We hooked up again after some time in November. Then, BAM, away he went again. I finally talked to him a few weeks ago and he told me that he was getting too attached. He said he would not pursue me because I was married but he would respond to me. So, I decided to give him some space over the holidays. Now he is not responding to my last 2 e-mails. This sucks. I am SO SORRY I got myself into this. I want my life back the way it was one year ago. I wish I had never met this guy. He pursued me, then the tables turned. And I have never known how he truly felt about any of it and if the explanations I got were truthful or lies. It would help me so much if he would just call me and EXPLAIN to me what happened. I feel like it would give me closure, but I think not also. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, which he also told me it would be. If we had not become sexual and he just ran like you are thinking of doing, I would not have given this so much thought. He did tell me that he was attracted to me but had issues about me being married. I wish I would have listened to him, because those issues are still there for him and it is now causing me pain since we were sexual. SO, what I'm getting at is this. YOU have to decide if you want this to become sexual or not, because I really think she will respond to you either way. I would have to SG. BUT, I don't think it will last, since you are happy in your M. Then you have all this extra crap to deal with and your W possibly finding out, which my H almost did and it caused him pain. I have to be honest, I am glad I had sex with SG, because I wanted the experience, but the pain now has taken away any good feelings I had. Instead of daydreaming about our few nights together, I cry because I can't understand why he rejected me without explaining anything to me. I have to hide all this from my H, which isn't easy. My kids are older. Man, you have small ones that need you, don't bring this crap into your life. It's no good. We were friends and now he won't even answer an e-mail. I would give anything to go back and just be friends with him again. Every time you feel like sending OW a cutesy e-mail, e-mail or call your W instead. DON'T go out to lunch with her anymore. Ask your W to meet you for lunch instead. She can get a babysitter for one hour. An A seemed so exciting to me, but it really wasn't. It caused nothing but pain, for me the most. I hope I helped a little, C
1) I hope to NEVER end up treating her the way your SG has you. Since my OW and I are both married, I feel like we each have the same "issues" that have kept us from taking our relationship to the next level. I don't think I ever mentioned this, but during our SECOND lunch together, I don't even remember why, but she brought up the fact that "marriage is work", not in necessarily an "I'm unhappy at home" kinda way, but just matter of factly. It struck me as odd, especially when followed by "It's so easy talking to you." It's almost like *I* was being pursued when you think about it...or, was it more of a "would you be my shoulder to cry on" plea? Either way, maybe that was the time that *I* should have started backing off already...started changing the conversation and keeping things business, platonic, etc. But alas, tipsy on lunch wine, I was just so ecstaic to be with this new (beautiful) friend.
2) We haven't taken it to the sexual level...not even holding hands, kissing, etc. level. There was a peck on the cheek after exchanging Xmas presents, but that's all. She does tend to enter my "personal space" often (not that I have an issue with that) which, honestly, made me uncomfortable in the beginning, but I got used to it as we became closer friends. The occasional grab of the arm, the rub of the hand, even the "lighting the cigarette in the wind with both hands together" got very common as the weeks went by. (These were never initiated by me, BTW.) There were several times that we would stare into each others eyes, but I would resist continuing and always was the chicken (faithful?) who turned away.
...and to address your question of it's up to ME to decide whether or not this will become sexual or not...yes...no...no...not if I want to continue my good M. Not if I want to avoid the inevitable pain. I do "want" her so badly, but I keep telling myself its just HUMAN, and that resisting that temptation is the foundation for my M. I believe she is mature and sophisticated enough to understand what I have to tell her, if I tell her, when I tell her...OH how I wish we humans had the capability to be COMMITTED to one person, yet have these wonderful relationships with others that DIDN'T go so far, so over the edge...
On a personal update, I learned my transfer will happen at the end of the month. She returns on Monday, but I will be (temporarily) at the new location until Wednesday. No DOUBT I will receive an e-mail, or a phone call...asking what happened to me? She will walk by an empty cube that morning...I shudder to think what her initial reaction will be...I dread it will be hurtful, despair, or at worst - anger. I don't know how to respond yet. Do I reply to the e-mail? Do I pick up the phone? Do I commute back for lunch? I will have to see her SOMETIME in the next few weeks until my transfer is permanent. I now fear that I have not thought this through...at least, not this part...There will be explaining to do...but it will all be over with....I hope...
FBT
Thank you for not ever wanting to treat any woman the way my SG treated me! I have the sweetest H in the entire world, and I pick a jerk to have an A with. I will never understand that one, but maybe ultimately it will make it a bit easier to get over him. If my H knew the way this guy treated me...man, I shutter to think what he would do to him. My SG and I started with the touching of arms, etc...it has to start somewhere. This will lead to more with your OW if you allow it. If you answer her e-mail, answer her phone call, meet her for lunch, than this whole transfer will be for nothing, and you will have less time with your W because of the longer commute. I think at that second lunch she was pursuing you. Forget about her looks, she is the same person inside as anyone else. Maybe it threw you that this gorgeous woman could be coming on to you, but I think she was. My SG started talking to me first. I was bothered by him at first, as you were with OW, then I thought, this could be fun. Then I started looking for him to talk to me. Then he started touching me. Then he asked me how long I had been married and if I was faithful. Then he gave me his e-mail and said we could have cyber sex. From that point on I was hooked. I became the pursuer, and that was not fun. If he is running because he is getting attached, he is very good at it. Alas, that is why I think it could be a lie. My M is still good, maybe better, but it is hell hiding all of these feelings from my H. He is who I would turn to whenever I felt this badly about anything. As a woman, I think your OW wants to be pursued. I think she will be hurt when she sees you are gone. This is fun and exciting for her right now. Do I wish my SG would have just left before anything started with us...YES! Because the pain I'm feeling now is not worth any of the short fun that it was. It has been very hard work keeping this from my H. AND, I do think it's harder to keep from a W, we are just better at finding things out. So think of your W right now, as I am thinking of my H, how would we feel if the tables were turned? I think you are on the right path by running. I was just thinking this morning maybe I should be thanking SG for running. He may be doing me the biggest favor of my life. Good luck to you, C
I can tell you she's probably crushing on you, too, but she's probably just as scared as you are of the next step. Bringing it out in the open could end it, but I have a feeling (from experience) that once you've started talking about it, you'll be laying down the foundation for this monster that will just keep growing and growing... I've had crushes on co-workers before but the difference for me this time was that my crush crushed back and we TALKED about it. Had he just kept coming around and flirting, of course my crush would have grown but it would have been harmless as long as I didn't think he had a crush on me too. We're both married, after all, and I tend to be naive. I know men talk about me and look at me, but what you have to realize is that the things you know about how men react to this woman, she has no clue about. You guys talk about this stuff behind our backs and we are completely clueless. We think the men we work with are oblivious to us because they don't usually ogle us the way the guys down at the diner we go to for lunch ogle us. She's probably enjoying your attention and she probably fantasizes about it leading to more, but it's doubtful she seriously wants it to lead to more. If it happened, she might go with it, depending how strong her self-esteem is, but before you've had that first A you just maybe toy with the fantasy of an affair, but deep down you know you're terrified of it happening.
Yes, transferring is both the most courageous and the smartest thing you can do. No, I don't think you should talk to her about it. If you tell her you have feelings but you don't want to act on them, in time one or both of you will break and you'll end up acting on them. That's just how it works. You know you won't have the strength to resist and it's likely she won't either. But here's a question for you... Even after the move, how can you be sure it won't continue? Have you planned for what you'll do if she continues to e-mail/call you???
In all honesty I don't know what's going to happen, I can only hope for the best. My wish? That she come back, not be "too" overwhelmed with my being gone, then we talk...maybe "put off" what "wants" to be said until we see each other (inevitable), and lastly just bring out in the open what's "there". We maybe laugh about it, talk about how "close" we came to making it more painful than it needs to be...and part as really, really good friends. Icing on that cake would be the rare "How you doin'?" e-mail.
Am I shooting for the moon? Asking for my cake and to eat it too? I just want everyone to be happy...
FBT
FTB, I understand the concerns you have about 'closure.'
So, you are probably doing her a big favor. It sounds like your M is good and I think that should anything ever happen, you would utlimately go back to your family. You and your W sound like you have a special bond; one that most of us did not have with spouse. Perhaps in this case, it would be best to tell her what you have been experiencing? Maybe she can help you get through it and she can support you easier with the transfer. My xMM will never tell his W. It is hard for me to understand how he can go back into the M and start trying to have another child without her having any knowledge of me or the baby that was lost. However, your situation is different. Nothing has happened and you seem like you are trying desperately to keep it that way. You are human. I know that it is not always best to confess, but this may be the time to do so. Also, I commend you for thinking so much of your friend and the painful ramifications for her, should this continue. You are on the right track. Keep posting here. I will be thinking of you.
Lostit
As for telling my W about my "nothing" A, I am too afraid to do so. I have gone over so many scenarios in my mind, so many ways of trying to tell her, "I've been longing for someone else" or "I have a crush on a woman at work" - and I can't come up with anything that would be easy enough to reveal yet not crushing to our relationship. Does everyone really think it necessary to tell her? I have seen a few postings in this thread thinking so. I am afraid she will get the wrong impression over why I'm taking the new job (am I being away from home LONGER to start an A??) I don't want to hurt her TOO uncessarily...I mean there's "nothing" to find out, if everything goes well, no?
FBT
Edited 1/8/2004 8:48:56 AM ET by faithfulbuttempted
Just my opinion.
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