She's away...I'm gonna run...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
She's away...I'm gonna run...
42
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:33am
Since Xmas I have been taking the advice of people here that have said, "DON'T tell her how you feel...just back off" and two things are so apparent: Firstly, I feel like a cold hearted, manipulating, weasling ass now. I was PURPOSELY AWAY from my desk on the afternoon of New Year's Eve but still received a phonecall on my cell from her saying she had to leave already but wanted to wish me a Happy New Year. My God - how can I be treating her this way? Our relationship built up not just on attraction, but over kindness and trust - now I'm forced to do this??? I'm not sure if it was related, but the day after New Year's, I was oddly "blown off" the whole morning...there were no cute e-mails, no walk-bys. I almost felt like I was receiving the "mirror" treatment...then the cigarette request came in...I took it. Nothing special happened, but now some "confusion" seems to have set in.

Secondly, this "backing off" just can't work the long run like this. At least, without possibly as much pain and suffering as a full blown A. We just work too close together and feel too much for each other...at least I do. Sure, maybe *I* can back off and make my message clear. Maybe *I* can finally get her to realize what my goal is. Maybe *I* can be the one to successfully end this "nothing" that has been between us...but then what? Then *I* need to continue to see her everyday. *I* need to live with the knowledge that this terrific person was purposely hurt by ME just because we got along together??

So...I'm going to run. I've accepted a position in another department. It's in the next city over, and will unfortunately put me farther away from my family, higher taxes, long commute, blah blah...but this is the ONLY solution I can find to TRULY breaking off this "nothing." I'm told my transfer may not happen for a couple of months, but my OW just left on a week's vacation. I am going to ask that this transfer happen ASAP. I'll inevitably receive the "But why?" e-mail or phone call...but by then it will be over with. I can just explain that it was something I had to do, something that just came up. I had to go.

Am I doing the right thing? What's done is done though...I'm moving for sure. I'm the one running away. I have to sacrific more time away from my family to do so. I don't know if others on this board would have done the same thing having the opportunity, but it's the only way I can see to avoid all this pain. I'm crazy about this person...and shouldn't be. Is it cowardly? Should I go while she is away? If I can't transfer in time, I will surely have to confront her personally. Then what do I really say when she asks why I did this? NOW can I reveal my feelings, so we can get the (quick?) pain over with and have some CLOSURE?

More Faithful...yet More Tempted than ever...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 9:27am
Hi FBT,

I'm new here from the affair board and was just going to "lurk" for a while, but I feel I most post to you. I am very happily married for 20+ years. I had only been with my H sexually until about 6 months ago. I could be your OW. I don't want to brag, but need to to get my point across. I am gorgeous and everyone stares wherever I go. I have been told numerous times that I look better than the playboy playmates. I am also very intelligent and very friendly. BUT, all of this does not mean that life is perfect for me. I am very unhappy inside and never can quite figure out why. I had a younger SG start flirting with me one year ago this month. Really, the first one to approach me since I got married. Just because a woman is gorgeous does not mean that this happens to her. Just the opposite in fact. Men do not generally approach me. We e-mailed for a while, then when things became sexual, BAM, away he went. I couldn't get anything out of him. I then became the pursuer. Me, the gorgeous one, with a great M, was pursuing this more or less dead beat of a person. It hurt my self esteem something horrible. We hooked up again after some time in November. Then, BAM, away he went again. I finally talked to him a few weeks ago and he told me that he was getting too attached. He said he would not pursue me because I was married but he would respond to me. So, I decided to give him some space over the holidays. Now he is not responding to my last 2 e-mails. This sucks. I am SO SORRY I got myself into this. I want my life back the way it was one year ago. I wish I had never met this guy. He pursued me, then the tables turned. And I have never known how he truly felt about any of it and if the explanations I got were truthful or lies. It would help me so much if he would just call me and EXPLAIN to me what happened. I feel like it would give me closure, but I think not also. It seems to be a lose/lose situation, which he also told me it would be. If we had not become sexual and he just ran like you are thinking of doing, I would not have given this so much thought. He did tell me that he was attracted to me but had issues about me being married. I wish I would have listened to him, because those issues are still there for him and it is now causing me pain since we were sexual. SO, what I'm getting at is this. YOU have to decide if you want this to become sexual or not, because I really think she will respond to you either way. I would have to SG. BUT, I don't think it will last, since you are happy in your M. Then you have all this extra crap to deal with and your W possibly finding out, which my H almost did and it caused him pain. I have to be honest, I am glad I had sex with SG, because I wanted the experience, but the pain now has taken away any good feelings I had. Instead of daydreaming about our few nights together, I cry because I can't understand why he rejected me without explaining anything to me. I have to hide all this from my H, which isn't easy. My kids are older. Man, you have small ones that need you, don't bring this crap into your life. It's no good. We were friends and now he won't even answer an e-mail. I would give anything to go back and just be friends with him again. Every time you feel like sending OW a cutesy e-mail, e-mail or call your W instead. DON'T go out to lunch with her anymore. Ask your W to meet you for lunch instead. She can get a babysitter for one hour. An A seemed so exciting to me, but it really wasn't. It caused nothing but pain, for me the most. I hope I helped a little, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 8:28pm
Funny cowboy...you DO sound like my OW...except, really, for two things:

1) I hope to NEVER end up treating her the way your SG has you. Since my OW and I are both married, I feel like we each have the same "issues" that have kept us from taking our relationship to the next level. I don't think I ever mentioned this, but during our SECOND lunch together, I don't even remember why, but she brought up the fact that "marriage is work", not in necessarily an "I'm unhappy at home" kinda way, but just matter of factly. It struck me as odd, especially when followed by "It's so easy talking to you." It's almost like *I* was being pursued when you think about it...or, was it more of a "would you be my shoulder to cry on" plea? Either way, maybe that was the time that *I* should have started backing off already...started changing the conversation and keeping things business, platonic, etc. But alas, tipsy on lunch wine, I was just so ecstaic to be with this new (beautiful) friend.

2) We haven't taken it to the sexual level...not even holding hands, kissing, etc. level. There was a peck on the cheek after exchanging Xmas presents, but that's all. She does tend to enter my "personal space" often (not that I have an issue with that) which, honestly, made me uncomfortable in the beginning, but I got used to it as we became closer friends. The occasional grab of the arm, the rub of the hand, even the "lighting the cigarette in the wind with both hands together" got very common as the weeks went by. (These were never initiated by me, BTW.) There were several times that we would stare into each others eyes, but I would resist continuing and always was the chicken (faithful?) who turned away.

...and to address your question of it's up to ME to decide whether or not this will become sexual or not...yes...no...no...not if I want to continue my good M. Not if I want to avoid the inevitable pain. I do "want" her so badly, but I keep telling myself its just HUMAN, and that resisting that temptation is the foundation for my M. I believe she is mature and sophisticated enough to understand what I have to tell her, if I tell her, when I tell her...OH how I wish we humans had the capability to be COMMITTED to one person, yet have these wonderful relationships with others that DIDN'T go so far, so over the edge...

On a personal update, I learned my transfer will happen at the end of the month. She returns on Monday, but I will be (temporarily) at the new location until Wednesday. No DOUBT I will receive an e-mail, or a phone call...asking what happened to me? She will walk by an empty cube that morning...I shudder to think what her initial reaction will be...I dread it will be hurtful, despair, or at worst - anger. I don't know how to respond yet. Do I reply to the e-mail? Do I pick up the phone? Do I commute back for lunch? I will have to see her SOMETIME in the next few weeks until my transfer is permanent. I now fear that I have not thought this through...at least, not this part...There will be explaining to do...but it will all be over with....I hope...

FBT

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 9:02am
Hi FBT,

Thank you for not ever wanting to treat any woman the way my SG treated me! I have the sweetest H in the entire world, and I pick a jerk to have an A with. I will never understand that one, but maybe ultimately it will make it a bit easier to get over him. If my H knew the way this guy treated me...man, I shutter to think what he would do to him. My SG and I started with the touching of arms, etc...it has to start somewhere. This will lead to more with your OW if you allow it. If you answer her e-mail, answer her phone call, meet her for lunch, than this whole transfer will be for nothing, and you will have less time with your W because of the longer commute. I think at that second lunch she was pursuing you. Forget about her looks, she is the same person inside as anyone else. Maybe it threw you that this gorgeous woman could be coming on to you, but I think she was. My SG started talking to me first. I was bothered by him at first, as you were with OW, then I thought, this could be fun. Then I started looking for him to talk to me. Then he started touching me. Then he asked me how long I had been married and if I was faithful. Then he gave me his e-mail and said we could have cyber sex. From that point on I was hooked. I became the pursuer, and that was not fun. If he is running because he is getting attached, he is very good at it. Alas, that is why I think it could be a lie. My M is still good, maybe better, but it is hell hiding all of these feelings from my H. He is who I would turn to whenever I felt this badly about anything. As a woman, I think your OW wants to be pursued. I think she will be hurt when she sees you are gone. This is fun and exciting for her right now. Do I wish my SG would have just left before anything started with us...YES! Because the pain I'm feeling now is not worth any of the short fun that it was. It has been very hard work keeping this from my H. AND, I do think it's harder to keep from a W, we are just better at finding things out. So think of your W right now, as I am thinking of my H, how would we feel if the tables were turned? I think you are on the right path by running. I was just thinking this morning maybe I should be thanking SG for running. He may be doing me the biggest favor of my life. Good luck to you, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 10:41am
There's nothing wrong with having a crush or an attraction to a co-worker, as long as it isn't acted upon. It doesn't sound to me like you've even crossed the line into an EMA. You're just fantasizing, which everyone does. But I may have missed some earlier posts that clarified this more...

I can tell you she's probably crushing on you, too, but she's probably just as scared as you are of the next step. Bringing it out in the open could end it, but I have a feeling (from experience) that once you've started talking about it, you'll be laying down the foundation for this monster that will just keep growing and growing... I've had crushes on co-workers before but the difference for me this time was that my crush crushed back and we TALKED about it. Had he just kept coming around and flirting, of course my crush would have grown but it would have been harmless as long as I didn't think he had a crush on me too. We're both married, after all, and I tend to be naive. I know men talk about me and look at me, but what you have to realize is that the things you know about how men react to this woman, she has no clue about. You guys talk about this stuff behind our backs and we are completely clueless. We think the men we work with are oblivious to us because they don't usually ogle us the way the guys down at the diner we go to for lunch ogle us. She's probably enjoying your attention and she probably fantasizes about it leading to more, but it's doubtful she seriously wants it to lead to more. If it happened, she might go with it, depending how strong her self-esteem is, but before you've had that first A you just maybe toy with the fantasy of an affair, but deep down you know you're terrified of it happening.

Yes, transferring is both the most courageous and the smartest thing you can do. No, I don't think you should talk to her about it. If you tell her you have feelings but you don't want to act on them, in time one or both of you will break and you'll end up acting on them. That's just how it works. You know you won't have the strength to resist and it's likely she won't either. But here's a question for you... Even after the move, how can you be sure it won't continue? Have you planned for what you'll do if she continues to e-mail/call you???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 4:36pm
I guess I always assumed the feelings would just "taper off" not being together. It's true, our contact could possibly continue, but we haven't done anything "outside" of normal office hours together. Wouldn't this be another reason for us to "talk" about what is happening between us so that we both have closure? I do see the possibility of it going in the "wrong" direction...but I'm going to try hard AGAINST that.

In all honesty I don't know what's going to happen, I can only hope for the best. My wish? That she come back, not be "too" overwhelmed with my being gone, then we talk...maybe "put off" what "wants" to be said until we see each other (inevitable), and lastly just bring out in the open what's "there". We maybe laugh about it, talk about how "close" we came to making it more painful than it needs to be...and part as really, really good friends. Icing on that cake would be the rare "How you doin'?" e-mail.

Am I shooting for the moon? Asking for my cake and to eat it too? I just want everyone to be happy...

FBT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 5:24pm

FTB, I understand the concerns you have about 'closure.'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 5:50pm
Hi. I wanted to respond to your message because it struck a special cord with me. First, let me say that I believe that you are doing the right thing by leaving. After an almost 5 year A and a miscarriage with someone that I dearly loved, I still have to work with him. Our's started much the same as yours except that my xMM was in a very unhappy M with a newborn. I was in an unhappy M that I ended, with the understanding that he was going to do the same. I know that he did not intend to lie to me for 4 years, but as his daughter got older the bond with her grew. However, at the same time, he knew how much I wanted a child and a family. He talked about that all of the time. We started by confessing our feelings for one another. We tried to end the relationship over and over again that first year (before anything had ever happened between us sexually). As everyone says, the inevitable happened. We had a full blown A for 4 years. 6 months ago, he told me that things had gotten a lot better at home; his daughter has brought them closer together. He told me that it was over between us. He told me that he had made the decision to love his W and stay in his M. They immediately began trying to have another child. I am pretty much a zombie at work. I begged him (literally) to transfer. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would stay at our place of work and do this right in front of me. I am searching for a new job as I write this. I do not think that he can see the position that he left me with (I left myself with). It is easy for him to stay away from me when he has a family to go home to. It is much harder to go home to an empty house. I am not trying to be dramatic. I am just painting the picture that often happens. I have never attempted to contact him again since he told me that it was over. I cry every single day. I imagine that he suspects that I am "getting over it" and doing fine.

So, you are probably doing her a big favor. It sounds like your M is good and I think that should anything ever happen, you would utlimately go back to your family. You and your W sound like you have a special bond; one that most of us did not have with spouse. Perhaps in this case, it would be best to tell her what you have been experiencing? Maybe she can help you get through it and she can support you easier with the transfer. My xMM will never tell his W. It is hard for me to understand how he can go back into the M and start trying to have another child without her having any knowledge of me or the baby that was lost. However, your situation is different. Nothing has happened and you seem like you are trying desperately to keep it that way. You are human. I know that it is not always best to confess, but this may be the time to do so. Also, I commend you for thinking so much of your friend and the painful ramifications for her, should this continue. You are on the right track. Keep posting here. I will be thinking of you.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 8:47am
OMG Lostit, I feel so sorry for you. I can relate with the loss of an unborn as well (with my W) we lost TWO pregnancies between our youngest two daughters. I remember the pain being so hard to live through, but to hide that from a spouse must have been extremely tough (although you were unhappy...) My children are as equally important to me as my W, and I do believe that they have been the "extra" glue in our M for all these years. There are times recently after our newborn that my W and I don't sleep in the same room because she is caring for the baby throughout the night, and inevitably one of the other kids would sneak into bed with me. Some of these nights I was awake when they came in, not able to sleep because I was thinking of my OW (interestingly, I shared with her my "sleeplessness" issue and she said she was also having some "sleepless" nights. I wondered if we were subtly telling each other we were up thinking of each other?) My kids would lay there next to me and all I could think was HOW could I do this to THEM?? WHY am I thinking of someone other than their mother? I felt so guilty, but it was so hard to let go of her. It's one of those big, huge, brick walls that kept blocking me from doing anything further though, and I was grateful for them doing that.

As for telling my W about my "nothing" A, I am too afraid to do so. I have gone over so many scenarios in my mind, so many ways of trying to tell her, "I've been longing for someone else" or "I have a crush on a woman at work" - and I can't come up with anything that would be easy enough to reveal yet not crushing to our relationship. Does everyone really think it necessary to tell her? I have seen a few postings in this thread thinking so. I am afraid she will get the wrong impression over why I'm taking the new job (am I being away from home LONGER to start an A??) I don't want to hurt her TOO uncessarily...I mean there's "nothing" to find out, if everything goes well, no?

FBT




Edited 1/8/2004 8:48:56 AM ET by faithfulbuttempted

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 9:42am
You were in the early stages of starting an emotional A, probably followed by a physical A. I see no reason to destroy your wife by telling her. Focus on her and your marriage and keep that (and your family) together. I think this is a secret you will have to keep and if you are ever tempted to stray again, think of how you are feeling right now.

Just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 10:03am
Your feelings probably would lessen once you no longer saw each other. Don't they when you're away from her a week or so now? If it's not being fed it does tend to fade a bit, especially for the woman. (At least in my case...can't speak for all women!) As for closure; I don't know that there ever really is an easy way to end things. I do know that before xMM I had a tiny crush on a co-worker that I would never, ever tell him about, even if I thought he might feel the same way. It's just feeding the monster, as I like to say. Just coming here and talking about my EMA is feeding the monster but it helps me so I do it. I think once you verbalize something, it becomes more real...until that point it's not quite as strong. That's just been my experience. I DO think you should have a conversation with this woman to explain leaving. Maybe start out saying you're leaving and just see how the conversation goes from there. If you're like me, no matter what you predetermine you're going to say, it'll be completely different once the conversation goes down.