She's away...I'm gonna run...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
She's away...I'm gonna run...
42
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:33am
Since Xmas I have been taking the advice of people here that have said, "DON'T tell her how you feel...just back off" and two things are so apparent: Firstly, I feel like a cold hearted, manipulating, weasling ass now. I was PURPOSELY AWAY from my desk on the afternoon of New Year's Eve but still received a phonecall on my cell from her saying she had to leave already but wanted to wish me a Happy New Year. My God - how can I be treating her this way? Our relationship built up not just on attraction, but over kindness and trust - now I'm forced to do this??? I'm not sure if it was related, but the day after New Year's, I was oddly "blown off" the whole morning...there were no cute e-mails, no walk-bys. I almost felt like I was receiving the "mirror" treatment...then the cigarette request came in...I took it. Nothing special happened, but now some "confusion" seems to have set in.

Secondly, this "backing off" just can't work the long run like this. At least, without possibly as much pain and suffering as a full blown A. We just work too close together and feel too much for each other...at least I do. Sure, maybe *I* can back off and make my message clear. Maybe *I* can finally get her to realize what my goal is. Maybe *I* can be the one to successfully end this "nothing" that has been between us...but then what? Then *I* need to continue to see her everyday. *I* need to live with the knowledge that this terrific person was purposely hurt by ME just because we got along together??

So...I'm going to run. I've accepted a position in another department. It's in the next city over, and will unfortunately put me farther away from my family, higher taxes, long commute, blah blah...but this is the ONLY solution I can find to TRULY breaking off this "nothing." I'm told my transfer may not happen for a couple of months, but my OW just left on a week's vacation. I am going to ask that this transfer happen ASAP. I'll inevitably receive the "But why?" e-mail or phone call...but by then it will be over with. I can just explain that it was something I had to do, something that just came up. I had to go.

Am I doing the right thing? What's done is done though...I'm moving for sure. I'm the one running away. I have to sacrific more time away from my family to do so. I don't know if others on this board would have done the same thing having the opportunity, but it's the only way I can see to avoid all this pain. I'm crazy about this person...and shouldn't be. Is it cowardly? Should I go while she is away? If I can't transfer in time, I will surely have to confront her personally. Then what do I really say when she asks why I did this? NOW can I reveal my feelings, so we can get the (quick?) pain over with and have some CLOSURE?

More Faithful...yet More Tempted than ever...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:10pm

I have gone over so many scenarios in my mind, so many ways of trying to tell her, "I've been longing for someone else" or "I have a crush on a woman at work" - and I can't come up with anything that would be easy enough to reveal yet not crushing to our relationship. Does everyone really think it necessary to tell her?


How about taking some time to think about what it is in YOU that makes you seek the attention of this OW?

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 7:08am
Wow...I haven't had a chance to check back since yesterday...I did not expect such a response...

IKIT, I'm sorry if my situation seems to anger you. I have been soul searching for weeks now, and this is why I came here. In a nutshell, as I mentioned in a previous post, one of the reasons I feel this happend (at least, on my side) is that I never had the same types of relationships my friends had growing up. I did change as the years went by, different hairstyle, working out, took "leadership" roles, etc. Not until the end of my college years did I actually begin to get serious with anyone. Should I have dated more before getting married? Who knows.

I DO have what seems to be the perfect family at home. There's nothing I would change about it. But I also said that when a person spends 14 hours a day away and 8 hours sleeping - who do you actually spend MOST of your time with? I did not seek the attention of this woman...it just happened that two people became friends, then started feeling things for each other. Hasn't that happend to a lot of people on this board?

If you asked me what was more important - dealing with my OW's feelings or my wife's - I think everyone knows the answer to that. That's why I just want to end the relationship and move on. I most likely WON'T tell my wife because it would probably crush her. I only have been looking for the most gentle way to break it to my OW. I don't want to (continue to?) hurt ANYONE anymore.

I hope you understand.

FBT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 7:23am
FBT, while we cannot turn back the clock, we can do what is right for now. I would still consider analyzing what may have led you to almost stray. You sound like you are on the right track and you should make it clear to the potential OW that it is nothing more than "friends" and keep it platonic at that.

I wish you well as you fix what could have been a devastating situation. Just by following what some of us on this board have lived through should give you enough reasons to not set yourself (or your wife or OW) up for undue pain and hearbreak.

Kudos to you on doing the right thing....

(darn typos... geez... had to edit)


Edited 1/9/2004 7:24:38 AM ET by i_am_tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 11:10am

FBT your post didn't "anger" me at all.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 5:51pm
Thanks, I understand. Sorry if I sounded too defensive...just a bit stressed.

I do have to say that this, being Friday, has been the "easiest" day to live through...maybe because I have been busy packing my things for next week's days at my new location. Only certain times, like passing by our table at the cafe, or the conference room we used to chat...would remind me of her.

I've basically forgotten all I've rehearsed to say this week. Looks like I may be "winging it." Just hope I don't blurp out something I'll end up regretting.

FBT

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 11:35am
FBT

Just thinking of you and sending you strength.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 6:17pm
Lostit,

Thanks. I needed that. It was an odd day at my new workplace. I sat down in an empty cube and thought "What am I doing here? I did this for a WOMAN??" (No offense to anybody...just venting.) I was lonely and lost. All I wanted to do was go back to my old desk. Then I thought about picking up the phone and calling her.

Didn't.

I looked for work to do (not very doable without supplies) and kept busy all morning until about 11:30 when I got the call on my cell. Not seeming surprised, she asked what was up. I told her there were "changes" while she was away. I even used the word "volunteered". "You volunteered to go?" she asked. All I said was I had to make a decision about some things. She asked if I would be back anytime soon. I said I would be back on Wednesday...we are going to have lunch.

I managed to check my e-mail in the afternoon and there was a short one from her. I responded briefly, non-chattingly, and that was it for the day.

I'm sort of relieved...to be honest a little surprised at her reaction...maybe in an "I expected more" way...but that's for the better I know. She had a good time on her vacation, maybe rekindled things with the H. Better even more for us, right? Speaking of which, the W and I got into and arguement last night before bed. Subconcious? The truth? No. It was an ongoing topic...but not good timing that I could tell.

Anyways, all in all...I think maybe this little two-day "extended" seperation was a good thing. I will be seeing her on Wednesday, but if I feel then the way I feel "right now" then things should be OK. What's done is done...this "nothing" won't, can't go on.

FBT

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:39pm
just take care -- you are very vulnerable still. she might be too -- especially with your moving away from regular contact with her. She might see it as time to make a move -- you might unwittingly as well.

Personally, I think if you've told W at the very beginning that there was a really cute gal at work that you had a little crush on, that you and W could talk about it & laugh & it would lose some of its power over you.

Many of us who have SURVIVED affairs (yes, we're affair survivors, we're in "recovery" from affairs and all that addict talk) can tell you, the seductive power of the secret.

The secret is one of the elements of the incredibly romantic, intense connections -- "oh, if only we could be together" conversations (not quite that corny, but you get my drift) and incredibly intense hot sex (I know you didn't go there but the attraction/tension surely remains -- wait until you have lunch - I bet you'll feel it then).

If you take away the power of the secret, the feelings are more controllable. But it might be too late for that & you might not be able to laugh it off as a little crush, without your W sensing that it was a bit more than that -- alot of the responses were from married folks who know better than I -- I was the single one in my affair.

You're doing a good thing for EVERYONE involved. I wish my MM had had your fortitude and integrity to just keep his crush on me to himself or better yet to share it with his W, so it became "their" thing instead of "our" thing.

His revealing long-held feelings & attraction to me was definitely the first step to our affair. I couldn't stop thinking about how he'd carried these feelings for me around with him. He'd recount memories of times we'd been together in crowded functions and what I was wearing and how I smelled and what I said. It was very very seductive.

Anyway, I read your posts and I admire your strength and your sacrifices. Your W is very lucky to have you. Be strong, have courage and watch yourself at that lunch!

You can focus all this great energy you have on your new position and your W.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 10:16pm
Today I could have used more strength. We chatted over e-mail and phone calls throughout the day. It was pleasant, but while I knew things would not last, I enjoyed the moment. All just felt "nice" and "comfortable"...it was like there was a safe distance between us that enabled us to be good friends without any dangers. I did begin to look forward to lunch tomorrow - maybe I didn't even have to say ANYTHING about our "nothing" and things would just work out...

Then at 4:30PM I got an e-mail - our lunch would have to be CANCELLED. She had to attend a business meeting offsite and would not be able to make it. What made it worse was even Thursday and Friday were bad!! She suggested Monday...which I pointed out was a holiday. Tuesday? Yeah. Fine. Sure. Whatever. Might as well make it Wednesday, why not? I know it shouldn't have been a big deal...but for some reason for me it was. I was disappointed - SO disappointed - almost hurt, that our plans went bad. It wasn't her fault, she didn't do it on purpose...but I think I was in a way "blaming" her for allowing our lunch to be ruined.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??? Shake it...shake it...it means NOTHING I keep telling myself. But I've been on this ridiculous roller-coaster ride and just can't get off the damn thing!!! At times I'm ready to just say to hell with everything...heck I'll just take a vacation until my official first day at the new place. Then I won't EVER have to see her again...how about THAT??? The bad part of me just wants go ahead and ask her if she'll go out to dinner since lunchtime is such a mess (Don't worry - I'm strong enough not to cross that line.)

Shake it...shake it...everything will work out...the good things recently are 1) the commute has been bearable 2) the new people are nice 3) I've gotten home earlier than anticipated and the kids are still awake...these are the GOOD things, right?? Cool...

Then why do I feel like CRAP???


FBT and Screwed Up In The Head...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 11:00pm
Okay... I read almost all of this thread and do understand the predicament faithfulbuttempted is in. But you said it yourself, in the last full paragraph of your post. It's working out, the commutes easy, you're home earlier for your kids.. those are all GOOD things...... things that you can't get back after they're grown...

It sounds like you took a MAJOR step in her absence and don't feel like you've gotten much of a reaction from her. I will tell, that from experience, that some women are so hurt that they can't let any of it out, lose their pride.

You're doing a good job, and you are still being kind to OW.

Good luck!

ns