She's away...I'm gonna run...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
She's away...I'm gonna run...
42
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:33am
Since Xmas I have been taking the advice of people here that have said, "DON'T tell her how you feel...just back off" and two things are so apparent: Firstly, I feel like a cold hearted, manipulating, weasling ass now. I was PURPOSELY AWAY from my desk on the afternoon of New Year's Eve but still received a phonecall on my cell from her saying she had to leave already but wanted to wish me a Happy New Year. My God - how can I be treating her this way? Our relationship built up not just on attraction, but over kindness and trust - now I'm forced to do this??? I'm not sure if it was related, but the day after New Year's, I was oddly "blown off" the whole morning...there were no cute e-mails, no walk-bys. I almost felt like I was receiving the "mirror" treatment...then the cigarette request came in...I took it. Nothing special happened, but now some "confusion" seems to have set in.

Secondly, this "backing off" just can't work the long run like this. At least, without possibly as much pain and suffering as a full blown A. We just work too close together and feel too much for each other...at least I do. Sure, maybe *I* can back off and make my message clear. Maybe *I* can finally get her to realize what my goal is. Maybe *I* can be the one to successfully end this "nothing" that has been between us...but then what? Then *I* need to continue to see her everyday. *I* need to live with the knowledge that this terrific person was purposely hurt by ME just because we got along together??

So...I'm going to run. I've accepted a position in another department. It's in the next city over, and will unfortunately put me farther away from my family, higher taxes, long commute, blah blah...but this is the ONLY solution I can find to TRULY breaking off this "nothing." I'm told my transfer may not happen for a couple of months, but my OW just left on a week's vacation. I am going to ask that this transfer happen ASAP. I'll inevitably receive the "But why?" e-mail or phone call...but by then it will be over with. I can just explain that it was something I had to do, something that just came up. I had to go.

Am I doing the right thing? What's done is done though...I'm moving for sure. I'm the one running away. I have to sacrific more time away from my family to do so. I don't know if others on this board would have done the same thing having the opportunity, but it's the only way I can see to avoid all this pain. I'm crazy about this person...and shouldn't be. Is it cowardly? Should I go while she is away? If I can't transfer in time, I will surely have to confront her personally. Then what do I really say when she asks why I did this? NOW can I reveal my feelings, so we can get the (quick?) pain over with and have some CLOSURE?

More Faithful...yet More Tempted than ever...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 5:33pm
Hi FBT. I logged in to inquire about your lunch today when I got your post. I know how you feel, believe me, I was there. I danced around all of these same issues during the first year of my "not really yet" an A. I felt the same responses and the same confusion to the responses. Now, 5 years later, I have spent the last 2 days trying my best to avoid xMM because of a project here at work. I ran into him 3 times. We just looked the other way and kept walking. I realize that I have to get out of here. I hate to give up my job, but I cannot do this anymore. I am a nervous wreck at work. Someone forwarded an email to me today that he wrote to a mutual friend talking about his marriage. To them, the email was empty and full of denial. I thought it sounded like they are doing great. In the email, xMM said that the intimacy was better and that he is okay with the fact that it will never be hot and steamy. He said that they were getting closer again and having some fun together. I thought it sounded very promising for him. My friend said that he would be writing that things were great!!(if they really were). I don't know. Those are the kinds of things that I can't handle. I am going to have to send an email to some of my friends asking that they never speak of him to me again in any way.

Believe me FBT (please believe this). I know that it is hard now but if you can separate yourself now from this you will be so glad that you did. You are also doing her a big favor. It is incredibly hard for me to make peace with the fact that, after all of the promises by xMM and all of the pleading he did for me to wait for him, he would not leave our place of work. He never even hinted to me that there was even a chance that things could get better with W. He always said that there was no way. Now they are trying to get pregnant. I just feel like if he cared for me the way that he said that he would be willing to leave. I have lost a lot (him, a baby, a marriage) and now he has no problem just sitting back and doing nothing and letting me be the one to do the job search and find another job. I don't know why I cannot get past that.

Sorry....did not mean to get off on that tangent. Anyway, FBT, this could be you, down the road. I know you do not believe it now, but it could. I did not believe it either when mine started. It is so great and powerful while it is going on. Going to work is great; Monday is even great. Every day is exciting. But let me tell you, when it ends, it becomes pure drudgery. FBT, you are not even in the situation that my xMM was. You are happy with your W and she sounds terrific. I know you talked about your relative inexperience with dating (my xMM was the same way). Has there been any tension in your sexual relationship with W? I know that you have a newborn. I mean, has there been something about it that has never felt right to you? Has there been something missing; something that you are searching for now? I guess that I am just trying to get a handle on this, for myself too. These are the things that xMM told me. I will never know if it was true. I know that for me, my M was completely empty. My H was completely emotionally unavailable. He never held my hand, never hugged me, never touched me. I was a sitting duck for an A. I realize that now. I think/thought that I would never have been interested in xMM had my M been even remotely satisfying. But maybe I am wrong? I know that my xMM has to treat me like an addiction, which does hurt. He thinks of himself as an alcoholic and me as that drink. Therefore, there will never ever be any contact with us, if his M is to work.

I hope today was better for you. Let me know.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 10:47pm
faithful,

your story resonates SO strongly with so many of us -- it's one of the longest threads I've ever seen on this board since I struggled to END my affair 14 mos. ago (I did, thanks to this place but it took months & was painful for all involved -- the 2 of us who knew & our loved ones who only knew we were each a mess).

It resonates because all of us affair survivors WISH we had someone we trusted, someone we respected, someone who knew what we were going through to say "no stop, don't go there!" before we got so far & caused & felt so much pain.

the pain you feel now is what we affair survivors have to pass through -- you have loved and lost, without the intimacy or sex, but with the secrets & stolen moments & treasured fantasies of what could be/could have been.

I read your struggles and just admire you SO much. I hope you will be checking in 6 mos. from now, encouraging the newbies, sharing your story -- you're an affair survivor too. You're earning your merit badge now.

I suggest you consider therapy. This site gave me the courage and insight to end my affair but it was therapy that got me back on track to have a better life than before or during the affair. Once the affair is over, it's such a let-down. You can become addicted to all the drama and intense feelings.

We each have our reasons for becoming involved in affairs. But the cool thing is that it's possible to take this pain & learn about yourself & your life -- and become a new person with a more fulfilling & exciting life that doesn't involve drama and pain.

Just something to consider -- make the next chapter of your life better. There is something missing from your life now that you've tried to fill with this fling of your heart, if not your body.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 10:48am
Hi. Would you mind telling me your story? Or, point me in the right direction to your posts. This post is an inspiration to me. I pray that I can see this light at the end of the tunnel some day.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 7:55pm
First day of "C" after a week and a half. But even before I got to lay eyes on her, I walked in this morning and received some very upsetting/surprising/confusing news from my boss: my transfer may be delayed...at worst, not happen AT ALL. There are reorganization changes that are about to happen, and I may not be able to move. They may want to PROMOTE me but keep me in place...I have to wait a few days before any more news is available.

What IS this? Is this some cruel divine joke? I did not ask for anything. This is some unexpected "reward" for doing a good job...Thank GOD I haven't said anything to her yet that I may have regretted. My emotions have been going up and down all day, from "happy" that I'm still around her to "upset" that I still have to deal with this burdening crush...

I have been doing "NC" all day; if anything, just playing "busy" and was not available for breakfast, lunch, cigarettes, etc...I feel bad, but at the same time, I feel GOOD that I have not had too much of a chance to rekindle any of the intense emotions I have been having over this. My thoughts are concerned about my transfer, and what, if anything, I can do about it. I don't know what I will do if I CAN'T go...then what? What?? I am starting to feel like the "blow off" guy...and I don't want to be. I was "always there" for her before...now I am not only moving away, but oddly unavailable CONSTANTLY to her. I wasn't before...why do I have to be now?? I know why...I know why...but I don't want her to feel hurt, either...I still want her, but now I also want to leave her more than ever...

She looked for me at the end of the day wondering if we could leave together (which NEVER happens - weird.) I had already told a coworker I would have a beer with him, so I declined her invite. My God, what if I had said yes? What could have happened, with all these emotions swirling around me??? I feel like I'm in Fate's washing machine...turning over and over not knowing which way is up...

I am going to call in sick tomorrow. May as well just stay home with the kids. We do have a lunch together SCHEDULED for Tuesday, after the holiday, but who knows, that may just be another thing I need to avoid...

FBT and Sorrowful...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 9:55pm
FBT, I do empathise with you... fate can be cruel sometimes... but take it as a test of your strength. You should know by the number of responses to your posts that we are all counting on you to be strong, to give us some kind of comfort knowing that although WE have slipped, at least someone hasn't even when faced with the temptation.

You're lucky you made that arrangement with your colleague to have drinks before she asked you out ... maybe you should start filling your diary with other activities too so that if she asks you again you can truthfully say you can't, without having to lie. Avoid situations where you and her are alone together. Avoid evenings and nights period!

Let me just remind you again, that even if you are ready to go through the torture of having an affair, your wife and your co-worker are not. If you do go into it, the self-esteem of both or one of them will eventually plummet, and I can tell you from experience that that's an awful awful place to be, and one that will take a long time to come out of. She will lose sight of who she used to be, she'll start hating herself, you know that's not what you want for either of them. If you care for either of them, be strong for THEIR sakes. Please, I'm begging you.

Be strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 8:46pm
Hi FBT,

I'm mainly a lurker here and read this thread last night. Not sure what the general consensus is about how you handle your situation, but I was thinking that honesty may be the best way overall. If your marriage is as satisfying and solid as you've posted about I'd be honest with the W and the OW. My theory is that a big part of your emotional charge from this is the "secrecy" and excitement of it. If you expose it, it won't have the "secrecy" appeal. Plus, if you really are thinking of straying, your W should know. Seems like this attraction thing really isn't a "I've met the true love of my life..." type of thing. I don't want to belittle your experience, but since you say you're happily married you should try looking at the potential A more as a signal that you have some underlying thing within yourself that's manifested as an infactuation with a co-worker; rather than you having deep feelings for this OW. I hope what I wrote makes sense. Sometimes the key to a situation lies in our *perception* of something rather than what the actual situation is. You said you and the W are no longer in the "romance" stage, and with a newborn, and your long working hours, etc., you probably do feel neglected on a certain level. I'd bet your W feels similar to you. Think about her, what is her life like being at home with the kids and not being able to see her H? You should turn to her. Either subletly let her know what's going on (that you have been tempted), or just start paying more attention to her. Work on rebuilding your marriage even though no real A has started. As for OW, go ahead and confess to her as well. She's very attractive, you've been in a sort of lonely rut for a while, and in a way you've developed "feelings" for her, but you realize that it's really your W and family that you love and you don't want to jepordize that so you feel it's no longer appropriate that you two go out to lunch and take walks or talk too personally {or whatever it is you guys do}.

I was in a similar situation as you several years ago. The main difference with me was that I was UNhappily married. I try not use my unhappiness with the M as an excuse for my A, because I had lots of opportunities to cheat. Since H rarely took me out he was very accepting of me going out with my single friends and ironically I got more attention after I got married than I had when I was younger and single. A few times I was tempted to have flings but I still felt loyalty to my H even though the marriage was not too good. Anyway, like you, I ended up getting to know a co-worker gradually over the course of about 3-4 years. It was very gradual and the majority of it was harmless. Lunch, a few walks during lunch. Rides home from work occasionally. He was unhappily married too. Oh, and one time (about 3 years into our friendship) he confessed he had deeper feelings for me. He worded it in such a casual way that I just downplayed it and pretended that I didn't understand what he was talking about. At that time I did realize I felt the same way towards him but I really didn't trust him and I still felt a certain amount of loyalty to my H and my marriage. After another few months though I confessed to XMM that I felt deep feelings for him too. We had an A for a few months and I broke it off because I hated the drama of it. 6 months later I divorced my H and I've been on my own now for a few years.

I understand the frustration of having feelings and not acting out on them. I understand how hurtful dealing with the truth can be too. But in my experience, honesty is usually the best. Openess helps. Trust is very hard to come by, and once you mess it up it's very hard to regain. At the very least talk it out with a therapist. You are walking a very fine line. Wish you the best of luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 8:17pm
Hi - my story isn't much different than lots here. But here goes:

I had a good male friend through my son's preschool. I was friendly with W, but MM was my buddy for the 4 years we were all there. My last year there, I divorced my (once-sweet) H, who had lost his way with drugs. The MM was my confidante & friend. Nothing more.

We moved on to other schools, but about a year later, he called to invite me to a function his W couldn't attend as she was out of town with the kids for a month. I now see how opportunistic THAT was. He even got her okay to ask me.

We had the perfect evening but it ended with a kiss & him telling me that he had loved me for years. This is why I always discouraged Faithful from telling his work friend about his feelings. It's an incredibly seductive thing to find out you've drawn such intense attention from any man, much less an MM.

I ran home that night but we started talking & emailing. that led to lunches and within about 4 mos., a full-blown affair.

We saw each other several times a week & many weekends for the next 3 years. At first, I was just in it for comfort because it seemed safe -- my kids didn't know, my ex (who actually lived in a duplex with us!!) didn't know. At first he insisted he would leave his W after a year. Of course that didn't happen. I'm so grateful that didn't happen now. I didn't think so by then!

Every time I tried to break it off, we always maintained contact -- first the notes or emails, then the long, late-night calls, then lunch then eventually or immediately back to the affair! So when I read posts where people "just want to stay friends" with xMM, I know how lame that can be. It's just a weird manipulative game we play on ourselves.

By the third year, I was starting to grow & come into my own again. I had moved away from my exH the year before. I wanted a good life for my kids & myself. I wanted out of the A.

I started reading the posts here fall of 2002 -- I was "foolforlovej" back then. I started weaning myself from the A by spending more time with my friends, my children (who I believe I never neglected, but the A does drain alot of emotional energy & is VERY distracting), my work. I started working out avidly. I was SO buff and skinny - think Linda Hamilton in T2.

I made myself start dating single guys. I told everyone I knew to fix me up. I did Internet dating (safely). I met nice guys but no va va voom. I spent less time with MM. I would "forget" to turn on my cell phone at night (due to caller ID, he wouldn't call my house). I was too busy at work to talk or to meet for lunch. My weekends were booked.

As I withdrew from him -- this weaning went on for about 6 mos. -- I opened up more to the world & its possibilities. I liked myself & my life without MM bolstering me.

I met a wonderful divorced dad at a school function about a month later, we went out & had a great evening. Va va voom! I immediately (the next morning) told MM that I wanted to give this new guy a chance & couldn't see him for a while. I was still too chicken to end it! He ended it instead though he kept coming back afterward & even promised to leave W. By then I didn't want that mess anymore. I wanted a good, clean life.

I knew that even if NOTHING happened with this new guy, that there would be someone -- available & sweet & honest & sexy & in love with me & willing to show it publicly AND privately. I had a life again. I was hopeful again and I just didn't need the affair crutch/addiction anymore.

I can honestly say, though it was still hard to walk away -- I still sometimes craved the attention I had from MM for months after (real relationships aren't as intense & emotionally dependent as an affair, thank God -- the therapy really helped me cope with that). I spent about 4 mos, 8-9 sessions in therapy. She helped me get myself on track to find my happiness & strength to live a better life -- free from the prison & addiction of the affair.

I have never been happier in my life as I am right now and have been since the affair ended. The "new" guy is now my guy. And it's great. It's not filled with trauma, drama & tears. We laugh & we go out! We do things together - bike riding & weekend trips & dinners in PUBLIC. I know his friends -- he knows mine He knows my kids & I know his -- and we all spend time together. He is my best friend & the best lover I've ever had.

But you know what? I could never have found this, if I hadn't opened my eyes up to the possibilities of a happy life without MM. That I could be happy all by myself, and knowing that I did not need MM or any man - set me free me to fall in love again for real. Isn't that ironic?

Even now, I know that if things end with my guy, that I'll be just fine. I'll miss him & our relationship, but I'll still be me & have a good life & be happy.

I don't think about MM much anymore. He showed up once at my house late at night, drunk & telling me we still had a future. I just pitied him. I told him I'd call the police if ever showed up at my house or work again. Haven't seen him since, except in a grocery store. I just said hi & never stopped. Nothing's going to stop me now!


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 8:26pm
Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 10:33pm
FBT,

Are you okay? Hang in there.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:58pm
They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder"...the rest of it should go..."may cause lunacy in certain cases..."

I haven't really seen my OW in two weeks. Only one day did we say a few words to one another. The rest was spent e-mailing a little back and forth, and me playing "busy" and unavailable. I am beginning to believe that the time spent apart did NOT result in a waning of emotions probably because we have a lunch scheduled tomorrow. All this time I have tried being AWAY from her has instead had the opposite effect. I have USED the time apart to craft 2 billion ways to say, "I have really enjoyed getting to know you, but this has become a bit serious for me, so I think it's best for both of us that I move on..." or some other babbling speech like that. I've gone over scenario after scenario, possibility after possibility, each time TRYING to "get out" of this emotional mess that I'm in - but sometimes, honestly, letting the thoughts play out to what MIGHT have been or what may be...God how it's difficult to not go down that path...

After deciding to call in sick last Friday, I was looking forward to the extended weekend to spend a lot of time with the family, which I did and am very happy for doing so. But in all truthfulness, I am still finding that whatever "free time" I end up having results in thoughts of her...at least, thoughts of our upcoming lunch and what I will say, or do...I just hope and pray that she'll be OK with everything, that she'll just say, "It's all OK. I've felt the same way, and am grateful you're doing this for both of us..." I really think that would be the best outcome from all this...

FBT and Watching the Clock