She's away...I'm gonna run...
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| Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:33am |
Secondly, this "backing off" just can't work the long run like this. At least, without possibly as much pain and suffering as a full blown A. We just work too close together and feel too much for each other...at least I do. Sure, maybe *I* can back off and make my message clear. Maybe *I* can finally get her to realize what my goal is. Maybe *I* can be the one to successfully end this "nothing" that has been between us...but then what? Then *I* need to continue to see her everyday. *I* need to live with the knowledge that this terrific person was purposely hurt by ME just because we got along together??
So...I'm going to run. I've accepted a position in another department. It's in the next city over, and will unfortunately put me farther away from my family, higher taxes, long commute, blah blah...but this is the ONLY solution I can find to TRULY breaking off this "nothing." I'm told my transfer may not happen for a couple of months, but my OW just left on a week's vacation. I am going to ask that this transfer happen ASAP. I'll inevitably receive the "But why?" e-mail or phone call...but by then it will be over with. I can just explain that it was something I had to do, something that just came up. I had to go.
Am I doing the right thing? What's done is done though...I'm moving for sure. I'm the one running away. I have to sacrific more time away from my family to do so. I don't know if others on this board would have done the same thing having the opportunity, but it's the only way I can see to avoid all this pain. I'm crazy about this person...and shouldn't be. Is it cowardly? Should I go while she is away? If I can't transfer in time, I will surely have to confront her personally. Then what do I really say when she asks why I did this? NOW can I reveal my feelings, so we can get the (quick?) pain over with and have some CLOSURE?
More Faithful...yet More Tempted than ever...

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We had lunch together; it was great seeing her again. The joking around, the chit-chatting...but something seemed different...something seemed "less" than it was before. We talked about our spousess, my family...it was as great as it was two weeks ago...but more "friendly" than it was "romantic"...I sort of got this feeling that, maybe, she realized I was backing off - so now she was backing off too - but neither of us wanted to lose this great friendship. Wouldn't that be GREAT??? or not?
The topic came up of my transfer - or what MAY now become my promotion-and-NO-transfer - and she mentioned it more matter-of-factly saying "I heard some things. Congratulations-in-advance if they give you something..." and that was it. There was no mention of my wanting to "get out of there", no talking about my leaving (or "wanting" to leave). It left the door closed for me to talk about what I had done, or why I did it in the first place. Although scared out of my wits, I kept searching for a time to bring "it" up - but it never came.
We parted abruptly afterwards because she had a meeting, and I never saw her again the rest of the day. It was weird...yet, I'm not really phased by anything. I'm not really sure what I feel. Things got turned upside-down so fast...I never expected any of this. I still have some "feelings" for her, but (maybe just today?) they are not as intense as the last few days. The whole "friendly" lunch helped calm things down, or something.
I still want to transfer, heck even turn down the promotion as long as it won't ruin my future career - if for anything just for my sanity. But today felt like a good day. All the stress I had been building up to release never materialized. I hope my next encounter is just as easy...
FBT and Relieved...?
My xOM was back for a week and he just flew back to his overseas office an hour ago... we had dinner together and I gave him a lift to the airport... and we could carry out a normal conversation which was a relief to me. I'm an idealist... I do hope this was a sign that we will not lose our friendship despite all that has happened. Hearing about you and your 'safe' lunch has given me some hope!
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