Should I?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 07-24-2004 - 10:14pm |
I feel like I still need that final conversation with him because everything ended so abruruptly. To provide a little history xMM's W found out twice that something was going on between us. The first time she allowed us to remain friends but our "friendship" had to be kept in the open. For the most part it was but there were still the text messages and frequent meetings. When we got caught again she told him to choose me or her. He chose to work on his marriage and stay with his kids. The last time we saw each other I wrote him a very laong letter explaining how I felt about everything at that time and what he meant to me. He promised to remain in contact occasionally but after a few weeks of not hearing from him I tried a few times to send some "feeler" text messages. The last time we spoke via text message he said that him and his W were getting along great since the A ended and it would be better if I left him alone. I have respected that mainly because of the people on this board. I read the posts daily about alot of the women here who have put all of their focus back into their marriages and their husbands (I am single, BTW). I have read numerous times how upset and irritated the people here become if their X tries to contact them.
It is like I don't want him to forget about me. We shared so much together and I fear I will never feel like how I felt with him again. I could never start another A with him again but I miss his friendship and the connection so much. I have gone on with my life because you have to. It has got easier but there has not been one day that has past that I haven't thought about our times together or just wonder how he is doing and what he is up to.
To be honest I have no idea what I would even say to him if I contacted him. I want him to know how bad he hurt me but I am afraid that he would not even care. I wonder if he ever still thinks about me. How he is doing. I have had so much time to think about everything and I have questions about stuff in general, but what good what it even do to have them answered. Probably the biggest question I have is how can you just go on like that after what we shared? We were practically married to each other just living in separate households. He has never tried again to contact me. It was always me in a time of weakness.
I realize that it happens when I feel down about stuff in general. Kind of get that worthless feeling. xMM always made me feel better and it was nice to have someone who cared. I just can't believe that I still feel like this sometimes after it being so long!

I wish there were words that would make you fell better but there are no really.
You said you would not have another afair with XMM but are you sure that the first one is really over in your heart,you need to accept that it is over that all the stuff that is an affair is not really real it is more smoke and fantasy then anything substantial, men leave it behind much more easly then women do, maybe it is there hard wireing.
Have you started to date yet, there some good men left out there, there is real love out there waiting for you.
If you were to break no contact and he was willing you would be back in the affair faster then you could say hamster vomit.
Free
I would encourage you to stay away.
Re-read what you wrote:
"It is like I don't want him to forget about me. We shared so much together and I fear I will never feel like how I felt with him again. I could never start another A with him again but I miss his friendship and the connection so much. I have gone on with my life because you have to. It has got easier but there has not been one day that has past that I haven't thought about our times together or just wonder how he is doing and what he is up to."
What you are looking for is love from him and he's already shown that he's not going to give it to you - and he asked you to respect that. For that reason alone you should let him go.
My xMM ended our affair on July 2nd. I feel EXACTLY the way you described. I don't want him to forget about me, ever. I miss our intense connection. I miss feeling wanted and craved and longed for. Funny thing is, we have decided to stay in contact as "friends" and all of those wants of mine haven't been satisfied. In fact, I think it makes it worse. When we talk on the phone (I haven't called him since it ended, he's called ME) we chit chat about trivial stuff, home, job, his kids, etc. If I send him a text message it's like "hope your day is going well" or the like. It all seems so FAKE! While I do want to know what he's up to, what I really want to know is that he's MISERABLE without me and that he's having a difficult time breathing without me! How healthy is THAT? LOL
You've done GREAT to let him go so far. Don't put yourself back in the place where you have to mourn the loss of the relationship all over again. I'm considering letting completely go of my xMM myself but haven't found the strength.
When it comes down to it, we should NEVER let anyone have that much power and control over us. It just spells disaster.
Much luck and love - Mislead
Yella, we are both about the same # of months out of our affairs. I can understand how you're feeling. Every once in awhile I do feel the same way. Who wants to be forgotten?
Have you ever noticed on this board that men post about their pain at the end of an affair -- and it is genuine, deep heartache -- but then we rarely hear from them here again? It's like they are able to get the pain out of their system and move into the acceptance phase much easier than we are. We women tend to dwell and obsess. I don't think these men are really forgetting us, though, they just deal with life differently.
Anyway, yella, hang tough. You will burn a lot brighter in his memory if you retain your dignity and stay in his PAST. He will ultimately respect you a lot more if you respect his wishes.
I know that the A is over in my head but I think my heart hasn't quite the memo yet. A big part of this is because I am afraid that I will never find anyone to make me feel like he did. It was like he was the perfect boyfriend - he wanted me, made me feel great, we had an incredible connection and also he was an emotional person. I have never quite stumbled on a guy like him who could share his feelings so well. I read alot here about people's A's where the guy is controlling and doesn't really care but my xMM did. I almost wish that he just used me was a jerk - I think I could hate him and forget about him much easier. But because everything was so great, I am only left with a year of great memories that replay in my mind. As much as I say I could never go back into another A with him I do not doubt with a little contact I could slip right back in.
I also realize that I doubt I could still even be friends with him, though I do miss his friendship so much. After his W found out the first time we tried that. I was so frustrated with him because it was so hot and cold - one minute comments were being made about getting back to the way things were and the next minute it was fake talk. I understand now that he was trying to push himself away but at the time I was so frustrated because I didn't know what was going on. I held onto what ever part of his love I could get because I didn't want to lose that feeling.
I have began to date other people but it just hasn't been the same. I know that I need to give it time but once again I start to fear that I will never find someone like that again.
One last thing - I have a very good older, married guy friend. He is one of the only people who even know about my A. It is a strange funny story but we kind of met because we were both dwelling over the ending of our A's. He is in an unhappy marriage but stays because it is easier than having to go through the trials and tribulations of a divorce. He has had numerous A's and he has been so helpful to me because he explains why the guy acts like he does. It basically comes down to what most people here already know - women are much more emotional and tend to dwell on things. The guy mourns too but moves on. Sucks fo us,huh? One of the only things that have kept him from starting another A is seeing how much an A has effected me. I assure him (mainly because of this board!) that many women obsess and dwell over the their ex-lovers in ways he can only imagine.
I completely understand what you're going through. But it's better if you keep moving on forward and never look back. I have been trying to establish NC to xMM for quite sometime now. And everytime, i get better, He just keep popping up. And makes me feel worse. I also misses xMM so much. And like you, we also had a great friendship. He's almost so perfect for me. Yet, no matter how much you want him, you will never ever have him coz he is not yours to keep.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, we may never understand but im sure, there'a very good reason behind it. My A thought me how to be brave in life. Thought me not to fear being alone. And most of all thought me that happiness can be found not only from one person. You just have to learn to open ur eyes. Learn to appreciate each and every person in your life.
Anyway, hang in there like everyone here is doing.
Ciao!
sweetie