should I call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
should I call?
6
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:07am
I feel like I am over stepping my posting rights because I have posted several times. I feel like I am whining, but it does help to get others opinions on my feelings.

When my A ended, it was ugly. Alot of name calling and out of control emotions - although it was 90% me, he did get a few in as well. I said several things that I shouldn't have said. Personal attacks that I knew would hurt him. I know that xMM hates me although that is probably better because he tends to contact me after we have ended things before. But I have spent almost 3 years with him, and I don't want him thinking that I am not the good person I always was. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter....if he hates me, I can be guaranteed that he won't call me or e-mail me again. Who cares what he thinks of me? he was just playing along like I was getting what we needed from each other.

But then the other side steps in and says he was so important to me, he was the center of everything the entire time we were together, I don't want him to think that the loving and wonderful times were all a lie. I am in serious danger of breaking NC. I have a feeling if I called him, he would be nasty with me because I hurt him - its only been 4 days since we ended it. He is a VERY strong, STUBBORN man. The type that if he didn't like what I did, I would pay for it for weeks. Always bringing up the bad things that I had done (more like the things he didn't want me to do - i.e. out with friends, smoking, going to a night club --which I only do maybe 3 times a year). He always compared me to his W - she had only ever been with 1 man before him, never went to a bar in her life, never had a drink, would never smoke, etc. He is a police officer and deals with terrible people on a daily basis. Alot of bar fights, etc, and he always compared me to these people. It always seemed like i was trying to convince him that I am a good person. I have an education, a good full-time job and make good money. I have a nice house, drive a nice car and care about my friends and family. But still, I have this overwhelming need to make him see that. I don't want him to hate me...but more than that I don't want to care if he hates me.

I don't let my H walk all over me. I never have. If he acted with me the xMM did, I would have pushed him to the curb. Why do I have this overwhelming urge to kiss up to xMM when he tended to be so overpowering? Should I call and try to apologize for the terrible things I said? The sad part is that most of what I said was true...I had a tendancy to stroke his ego. Try to make him feel better about things he and his W were having problems with....maybe I lied the entire relationship like he accused me of. Maybe I didn't care as much about him as I thought I did, but I don't think that is true.

I am sorry for the rambling. Has anyone else ever thought this way or am I just nuts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: frisco059
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:22am
DON'T CALL THAT MAN!!!!!

In fact, check out the book by that name:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0786884274/qid=1096039037/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/102-5567465-4539351?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

I don't think there is anything to be gained by contacting him now. Ultimately he will respect you more if you walk away with your head held high, instead of coming back with your tail between your legs, apologizing for things you said that were true, knowing he will be "nasty" to you.

Be strong, fight off the urge to contact him, one hour at a time. It is time to move ahead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: frisco059
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:42am
I have a question for you, besides making yourself feel better if you did call him, what would calling him accomplish? It is over between you and xMM and to break NC now will accomplish nothing. I have been thinking and aching to call xOM but I come here and read and post and I have a few friends from the boards that know the situation and I email them, all say the same DO NOT BREAK NC. xMM can think what he wants, when he wants, no matter what you say or do. So leave it alone and work on you, find a new hobby or take a walk.

It sounds like he criticized you for imperfections he didn't like, there was an article in July Oprah magazine and they called this "You spot it, you've got it". It talked about things we point out in other people and that unconsciously we are pointing out and finding the things that we don't like in ourselves. He compared you to his W, well if she was so wonderful, what was he doing in an A??? You shouldn't make any excuses for him, just because he is a police officier and deals with terrible people on a daily basis, so what a lot of people do, but that does not give them any right to compare people to the criminals they see all day. You didn't deserve that. You know what you have accomplished with your life and you don't have to let him bring you down because he doesn't like that you go to a club or something.

Think long and hard before you pick up that phone, you have gone 4 days keep going. To have an ugly conversation that ended the A, it may have just made it easier for both of you to walk away, don't open that door even a little. I wouldn't worry about posting too much if it makes you feel better, you will get honest responses even if they are brutal but you will also get support that you need.

Hang in there.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: frisco059
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:50am
Don't call!!! Esp. since there's no guarantee the conversation won't turn ugly again, and then you'll feel even worse.

I broke NC once with exMM...all we did was argue, and I hung up on him after saying insulting things. It was totally out of character for me. I had a brief moment of regret...like you, I didn't want to leave him with a bad impression of me...but then I realized, WHO CARES? He treated me very poorly at the end, and at other times, so he deserves no better from me. I handled him with kid gloves for too long. I have nothing to feel guilty about...I treated him FAR better than he ever deserved. If he chooses to remember just that one conversation over everything else, that's his problem, not mine.

I will never see or hear from him again, so what he thinks of me at this point is irrelevant. All that matters is MY my future, and my H.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: frisco059
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:32pm
Hiya Frisco,

NO you should NOT call.

As others have pointed out, it's over, by whatever method or means, it is now over. There is absolutely nothing to be gained in your contacting him.

Here's something else to put in your pipe, he is expecting you to call, to suck up, to apologise, to make him feel better. He's spent a great deal of time ensuring your self-esteem is sufficiently low enough to ensure you come crawling back to him.

SHOW him by your ACTIONS that you will not permit yourself to be manipulated any further.

No Contact WILL set you free if only you will let it.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: frisco059
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:07pm
thanks to all of you for your replies. I guess I already knew that I shouldn't but oh how I want to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: frisco059
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:24pm
mk -

Thanks for posting this book title! I just ordered it! Hope it helps me.