should I contact OM's W??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
should I contact OM's W??
14
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 3:21pm

I've been debating about whether or not to come clean to my husband (whom I'm soon leaving, but not because of A) about the A?? In addition to this I want to know if I should contact OM's wife and let her know what her new husband has been up to, both before and after their wedding? It does seem a bit cruel and vindictive, but don't they have a right to know?? Her and her husband (OM) are also friends of my sister and her husband. So it's a rather close circle of friends.

What would you do? Leave it alone, or get it all out in the open? I am risking losing OM's friendship if I did this which at this time for some unknown reason is still important to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 3:37pm

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What IF you weren't splitting with your H, and it was HIM that was splitting up and wanted to contact YOUR H to tell him what you've been up to? You're right, it's vindictive, and you're behaving as a woman scorned, not as someone that has his wife's best interest in mind. As pissed off as I am towards XMM, never, never, never would I ruin him like that. He is her problem now, let it be. When I told XMM that I loved him and cared about him back then, I meant every word of it..and that means not acting out of anger, but rather let both of us move forward with our lives.




Edited 3/14/2005 4:38 pm ET ET by hurtpup
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 4:05pm
My first reaction after reading your posting is that you hold a lot of anger towards your xMM. If you care about him at all, do not ruin him like that. My xMM got caught by his wife almost 2 months ago. She emailed me. What i did was trying my best to convince her that it's just online flirting between us and nothing else because that's what he asked me to do. He's my friend first and I respect his wish to save his M. We had one email exchange for the last 6 weeks. He just want me to know that things are getting better at home and that made me sleep better since I have been feeling guilty about the whole mess.
You need to figure out what exactly you want and just let go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 4:17pm

Don't do that. If you do it OM will think your ARE being vindictive and he wil probably hate you for it. Don't end this on a bad note. If its not meant for you and him to be together your going to have to learn to deal with that. Think of all the problems you are going to cause other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 4:36pm

telling others about an affair is really you just wanting to rid yourself of guilt (IMO) or wanting others to be affected by it for some reason.

Your xMM will most likely do this again. Its not your job to "warn" his wife. She would not be very open to your "help" since you are a participant...not a victim of a robber. If he was harmful or dangerous...i'd change my mind. But since he didnt force you to participate in this...your help is not needed.

I am glad you questioned yourself, just look to your motivation and but please also...want to look in the mirror.

You would regret it and yes many of us fantasize about it usually immediately after someone has betrayed US somehow.

You need to forgive yourself..and in order to start doing that you have to a) accept your role in it b) want to like yourself. This is not the way to go about doing that.
Good luck, and good job posting about this feeling instead of doing it impulsively. You can see how that is a sign of change for you already =)
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 7:06pm

there is already so much pain, no need to sow more im my opinion

i hope u find some answers here or at least some insights

take care,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 7:17pm

unhppilymarried

I don't give a crap what XOM thinks or weather he likes you or not it don't matter at all.

What matters is WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION FOR TELLING HIS WIFE AND YOUR HUSBAND, way are you considering this. You are considering telling your husband just as you head out the door, whats the purpose....TO GET THE LAST SHOT IN, what other reason can there be ?????

DON'T DO IT, I think you want to hurt both men that you blame for hurting you, belly up to the bar and take EQUAL responsibility for your life being the way it is.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 7:33pm

Sure why not? Why stop there even? Why don't you take out a front page ad and announce to the world just what kind of person YOU are while dragging everyone else down into your pit right along with you. <-- That's sarcasm BTW.

Really tho what would YOU think of someone who did that?

You made your move in secret now just move back out again in secrecy. Ended my 8 year A two weeks ago BTW. Instead of getting even why not just get yourself free?

Riven

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:11pm
Since you're already getting a divorce, I don't see any reason why you should tell your husband about the affair, but especially don't see why you should tell his wife. I don't know what your story is, but I would guess that your reason for wanting to tell her is for yourself and not her. Why hurt her in this manner? I think you would certainly have much more dignity if you walk away from the situation and leave it as is. If he's nothing but a cheating cad, she'll find out eventually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:24am
Well I can tell you this much. I did tell the exW about xMM's other affairs. She visited me at work one day and made a physical gesture towards me like she wanted to choke me. Unfortunately I have a terrible temper and I let her have it. I told her about 3 of the other women. One whom she considers a friend and they had an A for 2 yrs 3 yrs ago. One of the other chicks was someone she was suspicious of all along. The other was someone he went to school with. I didn't tell her about the escorts he paid for in the city. Anyway, some days I regret telling her but then other days I don't. I did it to make him pay ultimately but I did hurt her more. For that I feel tons of guilt. However this is how I think of it, if my H had an A and we split, then they split and he starts telling me all the right things and I might take him back, I would want someone to let me know this wasn't an isolated incident but has been occuring for most of our marriage. Why would I want to go back, fall for him again, assume life is good with him and he's my loving faithful husband again then find out again down the road that he hasn't changed. No thanks, tell me the facts now and I can deal with them now, don't wait until we have more kids or whatever. That's just my opinion. Now if she goes back and it appears that she is, she's doing it knowing all the truth. He'd never tell her, he's a coward at the least.
Try not to kill me here, it's how I see it.
LilRocket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 3:06pm

I am going to be the voice of dissent here. I am not going to tell you to definitely tell his W or not to. I will say this, I spend a lot of time on the All Sides debate board and, if you look there, many betrayed spouses say that they wish someone had told them what was happening.

Without knowing what her husband is up to, she is not able to make informed decisions about her own marriage and her own life. Some would say that she deserves to know that her husband is lying to her, cheating on her, and generally not abiding by the rules of marriage that he agreed to.

I have not been married (I was/am a single OW) so I cannot claim to have a personal view on how you should handle this. But it seemed to me that you were getting one point of view only here and that the other POV should at least be considered.

Jules

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