should I contact OM's W??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
should I contact OM's W??
14
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 3:21pm

I've been debating about whether or not to come clean to my husband (whom I'm soon leaving, but not because of A) about the A?? In addition to this I want to know if I should contact OM's wife and let her know what her new husband has been up to, both before and after their wedding? It does seem a bit cruel and vindictive, but don't they have a right to know?? Her and her husband (OM) are also friends of my sister and her husband. So it's a rather close circle of friends.

What would you do? Leave it alone, or get it all out in the open? I am risking losing OM's friendship if I did this which at this time for some unknown reason is still important to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:30pm
Thanks for both sides of the argument. I do realize my intent for wanting to do it is a bit selfish. My only thoughts were if I was engaged and my fiancee had slept with another woman, I'd want to know! It wouldn't matter who from, having that information I would be able to make an informed decision about whether to get married or stay married to someone who has misled me, lied and deceived me. She has absolutely no idea that he didn't even want to marry her she merely there for convenience and security. I would definitely want to know that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 4:36pm

I agree that this is the kind of information she may need to have. On the other hand, you are probably the last person that she wants to hear it from. Do you know someone else who could tell her? Or is there an anonymous way that you could get the information to her? You also have to decide whether you are prepared to talk with her should she find out that it was you and whether you would be honest with her and answer any questions that she has. You also have to be prepared for the fact that she will have some anger directed at you and that she might not be very pleasant towards you.

I know that a lot of women (including a friend of mine) say that one of the worst things was having suspicions and then being made to feel like they are crazy by their spouse who just continued to deny everything. I told MM a long time ago that, if his wife contacts me (all she would have to do is go through his email or cell phone log to find me), I will not lie to her and I will not deflect her back to him. I will honestly answer any and all questions that she puts to me. And I will take her ire because I earned it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I am glad that you are thinking about her in this situation. I wouldn't call is selfish for you to want her to have all of the information about her marriage.

Jules

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 4:47pm

Funny enough - when I read my own post, it made me wonder why I don't do the same thing and tell MM's wife. We remain friends, but that's not why. If I lost his friendship, I'd live with it. We live far apart and only see one another a few times each year and now only when it is unavoidable because of work. Mostly we just email. I guess that my thinking on it is also rather confused.

One the one hand, there was never any thought that he would leave her and we don't talk about her much but I know that he loves her. Part of me wonders if I should bring her this hurt and pain when it's basically over and I don't see him as cheating again.

On the other hand, maybe he will cheat again - I sure as heck can't count on him not stepping outside of the marriage since he has already done it. And I do feel horribly that she doesn't know about this. Part of me feels like it's a knowledge that she deserves so that she can make decisions on how she wants to go forward.

On the third hand (sometimes wish I had a third hand - I could type and be on the phone at the same time), I think that I am chicken. I am afraid because, were I to tell her, I would have to come face to face with the pain that I have contributed to causing. Knowing it is one thing - having to see it would be another.

I dunno. I am just rambling here but thought that this is as good a place as any to try and work through these things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 6:15pm
Just remember that if you do tell the wife that once MM knows you said something that that friendship is gone forever. And dealing with the fact that you hurt someone is horrible. Yes I'm glad she knows and can make an informed decision but the look on her face when I told her will be in my head for a long time.Just something to consider. I don't think I would have ever told her but she came to me to blast me and I deserve it but I still lost my temper. She tried retreating back with a 'he cheated on you too' but I know better. He only has 24 hrs per day and he wouldn't have had a spare moment. He was on the phone with me almost every second of the day or we were with each other. There's my 2 cents worth.
LilRocket

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