Should I delete his old emails? :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Should I delete his old emails? :(
6
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:19am
Hey everybody!

I'm still staying strong, but still have that nervous feeling in my stomach. It comes and goes, but has pretty much been present during every part of this A...it's such a fine line between excitement, nervousness, dread that he will do something to upset me, and worry that I will not have the strength to deal. No closure, of course, and we work together so getting up for work is not fun. But I'm hanging in there. Ready to have control over my nerves again!!

I'm writing today because I am trying to get up the nerve to delete all of his old emails. That was our primary way to communicate, so there are lots of them. Of course I automatically deleted all the ones that upset me (rolling my eyes here) so all I have left are the sweet exciting ones. I've been hanging on to them for validation. They are literally the only concrete thing I have and they remind me that he wasn't all bad. I even have some really old ones from before the A just to remind me that we were friends. I hate to lose them, but it does give me a sad feeling when I come across them in my inbox. I just feel like deleting them will take away anything good that was ever between us and just leave the bad taste in my mouth. (Especially as friends and co-workers-we got along so well) I know this isn't healthy, I just need a little support in doing it.

Hugs,

Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:24am
Yes.

Plain & simple; yes. Delete the emails. That is the past. You need focus on the present. If you want to drive a car forward, do you spend time gazing in the rearview mirror?

Delete emails. Delete the shortcut to his address. Delete his phone number off your cell phone. Get rid of stuff. All of this helps in moving forward.

Go do it, and come back here and report to the board that you've done it. We're going to hold you accountable!

;o)

****************************************

No Contact. All the taste, fewer calories.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:36am
I agree with you (Lily) deleting them is hard. The first time I had to do it was because I had to switch e-mail accounts (I thought my H was catching on at the time) there were over 400 of them-so there wasn't an easy way of forwarding them all to my new account. I admit I would read over them from time to time (especially when things weren't going good at home) as a way of escapeing. Now that the A is over (I broke it off 3 weeks ago) I still find myself grappling with the issue...do I delete them or keep them? I re-read all of them (the 40-ish that are there) in hopes of finding out what went wrong and why didn't I see the message written on the wall (that I'm nothing more then a sexual plaything to him). I guess there is a part of me that wants him to be a bigger man then what he is. That what happened between the two of was done out of love and not done out of physicall need. At least that's why I did it.

But back to the topic-I figure I'll take babysteps in doing this. I rushed into the A and look at the trouble it got me into...so I'm taking leaving slowly, one day at a time. The first step was NC (which HE BROKE), I've stopped checking my e-mail 18 billion times a day (okay it was never this much, but it sure felt like it). I figure I'd give myself another couple of weeks and then delete them then another couple of weeks to blocking his e-mail address. I'm in a better postion then most my MM lives 2.5 hours away so accidently running into him is next to impossible. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:39am
YES.

Think of it as an exorcism of sorts.

Delete them, and then do something to CELEBRATE letting them go. Reward yourself with something you love!! You deserve it!!

xo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:56am
Lily

Yes get rid of them and then go do something POSITIVE with your husband something that will make you feel good about you and your marriage.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:58am
Lilyann77,

You should delete them. As someone else said, those conversations are all in the past. Move on. Maybe you can't delete ALL of them at the same time, but do get rid of them.

It helps not to see his name in your inbox.

I'm not sure why you have the bad taste - I'm assuming he ended it and gave you no closure. That would be very difficult, but you do need to move on. Don't let him control you like that. You are the only one that should be in control of your life.

Remember that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 2:39pm
Lily,

I completly understand this one too - I don't want to delete mine either! I deleted what I wrote to him in our secret account and I have deleted most of what he sent me.

It is hard! Do it gradually if it helps. I got rid of the very sexually explicit stuff and kept a few milder things. I realized that there really isn't much that wasn't explicit - he used me for what his wife wouldn't do and even wrote out long fantasies that really pushed my limits in terms of what I found acceptable. I got rid of that stuff right away! It wasn't anything really awful - just typical male fantasy stuff.

Look at what you like about the e-mails or what you don't want to give up by deleting them and see if you can learn something (are they filled with compliments? Desire?) and whatever you like best about them might say what you need to work on getting with your husband. I am trying to do that myself. Use them to learn something!

I like the idea about rewarding yourself! Treat yourself to something special just for you! I like that idea for me!!!