Should I email ex OM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Should I email ex OM?
10
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 3:00pm

Hi there,

I am new to this board but have been getting a lot of good advice on other boards so I thought I would give this one a try.

Long story short - I had a sort of affair/friendship with this man who I adore. I am having trouble in my marriage and will probably separate soon, but that's another story to tell. Well, OM moved on because he met someone else (see email below)

I hope this email finds you well. I know I've been a bit out of touch lately. I'm happy to share with you that I've found someone who is rapidly becoming very special to me. I wanted you to know that I've really enjoyed our time together and hope we can stay in touch. I wish you all the best with your own personal journey and your new spiritual path. You're a very special person and deserve all the happiness life can bring your way. May we both find happiness in the New Year.

All the best,

-S

I was heartbroken. I met him one more time to give him some xmas cookies I made and wrote him a note pouring my heart out to him. This is what he wrote back:

Just wanted to thank you for the yummy cookies, wine and thoughtful note.
I will always consider you a friend regardless of where our lives lead.
I also sincerely wish you all the happiness you can find. Give yourself the space you need to find whatever it is you're looking for.

All the best and stay in touch.

-S

So after that note I figured NC was in order so I could figure things out. I want to make sure I am not leaving DH because of him (I don't think so, but I am not positive yet)

My first question to all of you is: Notice that he said "stay in touch" in both notes. Does he really mean that or do you get the sense that he was just being nice?

Second: We live in the same neighborhood of a pretty small city. I have seen him at 2 diffrent restaurants 2 weekends in a row with his girlfriend. This is very painful for me. Last weekend my friends took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner and he walked in 30 minutes later. It completely ruined my appetite and my night. This Friday, my mom and stepdad are taking me out to another restaurant and I am petrified that he may be there because it is known to be a good "date' place. My mother really wants to go. So I was thinking of shooting him an email giving him the heads up. Here is a sample:

I hope all is well. Since we keep running in to each other at random places, I just wanted to let you know that my mom and step dad are taking me to the Ginger Man on Friday night for my birthday. (The birthday that won't end. Good thing I am only turning 25 again!) You know how I feel and it is hard to see you and not be able to say hello, so I just wanted to give you a heads-up.

Take Care,

Should I send it?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:19pm

namaste,
If you keep sending letters, he's gonna keep on replying. It's a crazy vicious cycle. And his replies will never be what you want to hear from him. Plus, no offense, but your letter upon reading sounds a little desperate (I know that is not how you intended it to be-but it does) I would definitely just try my hardest to be a strong strong chicky and let it go. I swear I do the same thing, type up letters to send to senio'r sh*thead but after I read them I realize i just want answers that aren't really there and never will be there. I'm sorry that you are having probs in your marriage, I also am going through the same with my H.
Good luck to you on whatever you choose to do.

~nuttmeg

p.s. may we both stop giving our yummy cookies to undeserving men!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 8:29pm

NA

NO KEEP AS MUCH NO CONTACT AS POSSIBLE, focus on your own HUSBAND AND MARRIAGE do eveything possible to fix it if you can't then and only then do you leave but NEVER for the OM.

It is not possible to look honestly at your husband as long as your looking at him through another man with whom you only spend FUN TIMES.

24/7 time with this OM would have it's own problems maybe the same ones you have with your HUSBAND maybe not but there would be problems it happens when two people mesh there lives together 24/7 for a few years.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:52am

Hi there,

Just bumping up. I was hoping for more advice :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 11:47am

Hi again,

If it were me and I was sending an email because of running into him at a restuarant, I wouldn't send it. Let him be the uncomfortable one if he may run into you. You may be going out to eat in a few weeks and may run into him then too. I would just go and hold your head up high. Hope I helped a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:39pm

Namaste,

<<<(The birthday that won't end. Good thing I am only turning 25 again!) You know how I feel and it is hard to see you and not be able to say hello, so I just wanted to give you a heads-up.>>>>

Hate to sound like the heavy here, but this sounds like your fishing rather than giving a heads-up, and although you will say "No, I'm not", subconsciously this is what you are doing; Possibly hoping he'll remember your birthday? If he still wants to remain in touch, he will send you birthday wishes. Just understand that they usually never do, (even when we are in the blasted affair), so don't set yourself up for futher disappointment. He's gone, my dear. He has moved on, and you need to do the same thing. His "Keep in touch" remarks simply shows what a selfish !@#$!@# he really is. Just telling you he has met someone else was CLUE #1 that you need to let this go. I know this hurts, but you can get past this with NO CONTACT whatsoever, and if you see him, how about a big smile (while you flip the bird under the table or behind your back :)

~Id~

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 8:24am

I hope you haven't sent your email because I agree with a previous poster... your email (as written) does not give him a heads up, it's an invitation, a cry for attention and acknowledgment of your birthday from him!

Thinking about him and ALLOWING him to ruin YOUR evening out is a total waste of time and effort! BTW, it was YOUR perception that he ruined your evening and yes, only b/c YOU allowed it!

The man is single and therefore free to date anyone he wishes. Unfortunately, you allowed yourself into this relationship, you both had fun and now, he's ended it......time to lick your wounds, learn from your mistake and move forward. PERIOD!

As for OM's stay in touch comments, honestly, who cares? Most of all, you should not care......he ended your relationship. PERIOD! Besides, if he's like any other man, he wants to stay in touch for only one reason.....SEX....and only when HE wants it!

Your goal should be to start working on yourself and NOT by looking to this OM or by trying to bring any other new MAN into your life in hopes that they will give you the happiness which only comes from within YOU.

Are you willing to give your marriage a chance? If so, I suggest you start with individual counseling that will lead into joint counseling with your husband.

Start moving forward. Stop looking back at a relationship that never had a chance to grow into anything worthwhile. Stop *allowing* anyone to ruin your evening out! Start controlling your own happiness and destiny!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 8:37am
definitely do not email him..god your situation sounded like mine had. my advice is seriously do not email him..as i said in one of my previous posts on another discussion..i began to put the effort that i was giving my A into my marriage..but i don't know your marital situation...but maybe try that? the best attitude to show him is i'm fine, i'm over you and better off without you...even if it is a lie at first :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:20am

I agree with the rest of the posts here, and just want to add that I don't think you need to show him that it's hard to see him. Make him think you are strong and over him. If you run into him, be confident, hold your head up, even throw him a nonchalant "hello" and make him feel that he doesn't affect you anymore. I am 2 weeks out with NC, and I hope the next time he sees me that he wonders how on earth I can be so happy without him. Fake it til you make it. one day you will wake up and realize you're not faking anymore. (I'm still waiting for that, but it's getting easier!!) Good Luck!!

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:45pm
Thanks everyone for your posts. I've taken your advice and did NOT email him and guess what? I didn't even see him this weekend anyway. Woohoo! This is just what I needed to wake me and see how pathetic I am being. Thanks y'all! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 9:36pm

Staying in touch prolongs the pain and creates more questions in your head. Like the ones you listed, "Does he mean this?" "Should I do that?"

If you have to ask, you already know the answer.

Don't do it, sweetie. Be strong and you're going to come out of this just fine.

Hugs to you!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t