Should I Marry OM? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Should I Marry OM? Help!
3
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 3:22pm
I began my A 18 months ago. I was married for 20 years and I separated from my H because of my A. My OM was single when the A began. He was involved in an 18 year relationship which has been over for 3 years now. We have great times together. I have experienced feelings with him that I never felt before. He makes me happy and he holds my heart. He has told me that he loves me and wants to marry me. I truly love him.

I want to marry the OM but the problem is this: He still continues to go to his former girlfriend's house to do his laundry, chores, etc. He still has personal items, like clothing, tools, etc. at her home. They do not have children together but have many pet cats which he feels morally responsible to help her with.

I know that I cannot marry this man with this woman still in his life. I have spoken to him about this and he has given her back her house keys. He is looking into storing his belongings with friends. I know that this relationship will never progress until she is totally out of the picture. The process is going slow.

I understand that he was in a relationship with her for 18 years and there is some attachment. I was married for 20 years and have two children with my H. I do not want or expect my H to be doing things for me. Maybe I'm too proud for that.

Do you think that I am wrong to want her gone? Do you think it is wrong not to let the relationship progress until she is out of the picture? How long should I wait? I made one huge mistake with my 1st marriage. I don't want to make that mistake again. I want to get it right the next time. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:31pm
HI Mis

1) the other woman should be completly gone or you should be pets are just an excuse.

2)The experts warn very strongly not to jump from one marriage to a second to quickly, you need to reslove the problems that you contributed to the marriage or your just going to bring them to the new marriage.

3)The stats are pretty bad about M your AP only about 2 percent of such marriages make it, more then 95 percent end in the first year because the two cheating AP did not fix themselves first.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:34am
Thanks you for your input, mefreenow.

My marriage ended after 20 years because of my A. I got married very young (20 years old). I know now that I did not marry for love -- but to get out of my parents home. During my marriage I was busy raising my two daughters -- who are now older. H and I did not spend any couple time together when the kids were young. Right now, I feel that I am in the prime of my life (40 years old) and should be enjoying all life has to offer. I figured that my H would want to do the same. WRONG! He is content to sit at home and surf the TV channels. He has no hobbies, friends, or interests. He is very anti-social and looking back I relaize he always was. I suddenly realized that my children would be on there own soon and it was just going to be my H and I. We basically had nothing in common but our children. I knew that if I stayed with him I would be terribly miserable and unhappy --life is too short for that. I moved out. I am enjoying my new found freedom. I am going out and meeting new and interesting people. I am living on my own for the first time in my life and it is wonderful.

The A began 18 months ago while I was still with my H. Now I know what it feels like to be in love for the first time. We are both happy and content in a relationship for the first time in our lives. The OM's situation is extremely similar to mine--married young/divorced, older children who are now married themselves. He was in an 18 year relationship which ended 3 years ago. They were never married. Basically, the same situation--nothing in common, both unhappy. He went to counceling after the relationship ended. He says that he learned that failure to communicate was the cause of his failed relationship. He says couples MUST talk, talk talk. He is constantly making me talk about what I am feeling. I'm not that good at it, yet, but he says that I'm getting better.

Anyway, his former girlfriend is very bitter about him leaving even though 3 years have passed since the break-up. As I mentioned he still has some personal belongings in the house they used to share. His apartment is tiny. He also still helps her with the cats. She is part of a cat rescue group. He wants to get married and I have told him that our relationship will not progress unless she is totally out of the picture.

He told her this weekend that he is happily involved with someone and very much in love and could not help her out anymore. He returned her house keys, and told her he was moving his stuff out of the house. Well, she had a total COW. She screamed and yelled, brought up stuff from 20 years ago. She knew everything there was to know about me and about us, which I found to be very scary.

I now feel bad for him and for her. I also feel that this stuff should have been resolved 3 years ago. They both just put it off. She is not involved with anyone else and has been very dependent on him. I don't understand this because I am cherishing my new found independence. She is making his life miserable and he feels bad that he upset the "apple cart." I know in my heart of hearts that she must be gone for our relationship to progress. I also have this sickening feeling that we will NEVER be free of her. I don't know what to think. I guess time will tell.

Got2Go--Peace--Out

Miss Evil One

(I'm not really EVIL)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 2:03am
Missevilone

And here I thought you were the big bad wolf.


Be well

Free