should i or shouldnt i ?? help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
should i or shouldnt i ?? help
16
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 1:05pm
MM birthday is comming up in a few days.. NC from him at all .. even tho it was Ill be in touch just give me some time.. but i really feel like i want to call him just to say Happy bday? good idea or not? i think in my messed up head that he is probably thinking i might call him or contact him for it , and that hes expecting and hoping i will??? but then again .. maybe hes not thinking of me at all ?.. OMG i hate this .. im so insane .. i dont get how time makes it better.. with every day of NC it gets worse the thoughts get more and more insane! where is he what is he doing is he thinking of me ... why was he oline all nite why wasnt he online at all today .. i cant stop .. im making my self insane but i just cant stop.. why is it so easy for them and so freakin hard for us?! how can he go with out talking to me when we did every single day?!?! how do they get thru !?! why cant i be like him ?!?! erased !! i feel erased.. i dont like it.. thanks for listening...

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 2:19pm

mess,

dont call, when that day comes, be with some friends, if u feel like calling , call a friend instead, stop that fantasy in your mind, its gonna drive u crazy, u know what, give your cell phone to someone else on that day

ask yourself what will u gain from calling him ? it will only give u more pain

post here on that day and let it all out

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 2:35pm

What

DON'T CALL THAT MAN, unless you enjoy feeling like this and want it to continue even longer.

As the old saying goes "it is always darkest before the dawn", you will reach a point soon were things will begin to improve if you don't cave in.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 3:16pm
Don't call him. Right before my No Contact began, it was my XMM's birthday. Things weren't great, but they weren't completely over yet. I knew they were nearly over though. But I still felt the need to send him some wishes with online cards. I did that, and all I got out of it, was his comment that I always seemed to be there for him. That reminded me that yep-- I sure did. Always. And it was time I wasn't. No joy in wishing a happy birthday to someone who isn't there for you in the way you need. And don't let him make you feel erased. You're not erased. DRAW YOURSELF INTO YOUR OWN NEW LIFE. Pick up the pencil, the pen, the crayon and make yourself anew. Without him, you can do anything. Write down your goals for this year. Do what you can to create yourself, not let yourself feel erased. Because you're far from erased..You're just beginning!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 3:37pm

Hey mess,

My Xmm's b-day is today. We haven't had contact for over 3 months, and like you I thought maybe I should send some greetings. I know he's half-expecting it,and he will probably be disappointed, hurt and PO'd at me! I went through a week of agonizing over whether to contact him or not. I almost caved. Came to the board here instead, and got some great advice! Don't do it! You will only set yourself up for more hurt. What if he doesn't respond? Then you get to hurt all over again. And if he does respond? That will either put you back to square one, or eventually put you back in the A, and still you get to hurt. Don't give up any progress that you have made. It's so not worth it.

Try to stay busy, and find the you that you were before the A. Or find the new you that you can be because of the things you learned from the A. You are a worthwhile person!! Don't let him have all that power! Take it back from him and stay strong!!

Owl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 6:59pm
thanks to all who replied so far.. your all 100% right i shouldnt get in touch with him .. i should let it go ... and hopefully I will .. i know he wont respond and i know i wont get the reaction im looking for and it will hurt even more then it does now.. man this hurts... i thank u all for understanding and i will probably write here that day instead of calling or writing him .. its gonna be sooo very hard... this is the first step.. cause in 3 weeks i go away on vacation and am staying a block from him.. wasnt planned.. total coincoidence !! can u imagine!! but i know he will be around and i dont want to run into him there .... its a small community... so if i can do this first step maybe i can go and enjoy my vacation ... thanks again .. wam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 7:25pm

WAM,

i know how hard it is not to contact the other person, i/we all struggle with it everyday, i myself am obsess with the idea of contact with the other person, but what would we gain from it, honestly, think of it, other person can ignore which would make us hurt some more or other person can response and what would we do if they did, would we let ourselves be sucked into the affair again or can we restrain ourselves

anyway its a lose-lose situation , we might have that temporary dose of false happiness like a drug but then it will cycle back to the same behavior and we are in pain again

i hope and pray that u can find strength of not contact xMM, on that day post here or call some of your friends just even to leave a message, go to yahoo and log in an chat online into those communities just to keep u busy, if u are work, be with co-workers and make sure u go out to lunch with them, try not to spend some alone time coz that is when the urge to call will creep again, we want to get that drug

i know u can do this, other people have done it and so do u, and sure u will feel great after that day is done, its just another day anyways

post here as u must, there is no limit on how many post u can do anyways

max
- jsut bored, i did my ironing already and cleaned the house and its only 4:22 pm here on the east coast, i hope u all in the mid west / east are keeping warm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 9:00pm

Whatamess,

I'm not the greatest giver of advice but I have been there, and now I'm beyond there so here goes.

<>

I would tell you to DEFINATLEY NOT call him, especially since it sounds like the NC was initiated by him. I know it will seem very difficult but I think you will find yourself feeling really upset if you do call and get no response, or a response you don't like.

He probably IS expecting you to call, which, in my opinion, is all the more reason why you shouldn't. Show him that you are strong and can get by on your own without him. Also, you will be showing him that you care enough to respect his wishes of NC.

<<>>

I know it feels that way now, but trust me, you haven't been erased. I can guarantee that he is thinking of you. I'm not sure of your situation or why it has ended, but I'm sure when he sees that you are fine without him, he'll be crawling back. I just hope you're smarter than I was so many times, AND DON'T TAKE HIM BACK!!!!

It's a vicious cycle, and you will more than likely be hurt over and over again if you do.
Good luck to you!
Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 4:52am

What,
We're in the same situation. About a month ago, MM abruptly cut me off without any warning, and I felt disrespected. And yet, I used to wait if he comes online, checked my e-mail almost every hour, feeling more disappointments. Anyway his birthday was early this month, and like an idiot, I sent an e-mail wishing him the best b-day ever. Of course, there was no response to this day. It hurt more than the unexpected NC he imposed. I was supposed to fly out to the west coast this coming Thursday to see him, but I'm cancelling that. Up to now I was just a lurker, but I've read a lot of posts that give so much strength to hold on to what's left of my self-respect. As the days go by, it's getting easier... pouring my extra time at the gym and feeling much better about myself. I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow, and I hope it will help me stay the right course.

To all of you who have been so generous with your wisdom... continue to fortify us! We need you, and thank you for letting me post.

illbfine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 7:41am
thanks for the advice.. all of you .. not that this is a good feeling but knowing im understood somehow makes alot of difference to me ....I know ur right if i did send a card or e mail .. it would get no response.. he wanted the NC because his daughter found a txt msg from me and told his W... things blew up in his face and he needed to work on his life and get control back....... there for we are in hiding and NC till the dust settles.. he said hed contact me wed be friends and we would talk again give him time and eventually this will be fine .... it hasnt been that long, but i just dont know how after mths of contact every day how u just stop ... it would be so easy for him to contact me at work when no ones round .. use a calling card to call me.. so easy .. i just make myself nuts cause cause it should be so difficult for him , maybe it is and i just dont know ... but what kills me the most is he presued me!! i never wanted to meet him i just wanted to be his buddy , have nice convos on line and then i did ./.. against my own advice i did .. and now here i freaking am... part of me wants to respect his wishes.. and hope hes having as much of a hard time with this as me.. the other part of me wants to call to rock his world...so maybe then i can be the one to say dont call me... im just so confused... thanks again.. im sorry , u all are probably sick of this already ! i know i am lol...!!! thanks wam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 12:27pm
So when or if "things calm down" and he calls, are you going to let this continue? It sounded like that was what you were hoping for or waiting for? Not that I haven't been there. But this is a big deal..that you could walk away from now before it gets any worse than it is. If someone in his family now has knowledge of a text message, in my opinion, he should definitely be walking away before it hurts his kids etc. I know you are thinking of all the ways he "could" contact you in secret, but do you want that still? Knowing that your contact may reveal something to his kid(s)?
You should let go now before it gets any deeper and causes more hurt. I know that its not so simple, but it's the only way to do it. Too many possible troubles that can erupt by being involved with a married man.

Pages