should i or shouldnt i ?? help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
should i or shouldnt i ?? help
16
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 1:05pm
MM birthday is comming up in a few days.. NC from him at all .. even tho it was Ill be in touch just give me some time.. but i really feel like i want to call him just to say Happy bday? good idea or not? i think in my messed up head that he is probably thinking i might call him or contact him for it , and that hes expecting and hoping i will??? but then again .. maybe hes not thinking of me at all ?.. OMG i hate this .. im so insane .. i dont get how time makes it better.. with every day of NC it gets worse the thoughts get more and more insane! where is he what is he doing is he thinking of me ... why was he oline all nite why wasnt he online at all today .. i cant stop .. im making my self insane but i just cant stop.. why is it so easy for them and so freakin hard for us?! how can he go with out talking to me when we did every single day?!?! how do they get thru !?! why cant i be like him ?!?! erased !! i feel erased.. i dont like it.. thanks for listening...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 4:46pm
i get what u r saying ... and ur right .. in my head i know that.. in my heart i dont...that is what im hoping for .. for things to be safe so I can at least speak to him again.. thats all i want.. just to be able to talk to him ... but i know as everyday goes by this is for the best and eventually it will be easier... but i just miss him so much right now i cant be rational.. and i know in my head that if he does contact me.. that someday this will be me agian.. all over.. hurting and wondering and waiting.. so its easier to just be done now... so logical.. but yet so freaking hard to do... i dont want his kids hurt... i wouldnt want that to be my kid... but it really was a harmless txt.. but enuff to make things unsettled at his home... and that i feel bad about... but not enuff i guess to let go compeletly ... im such a freakin mess... time right?!?! i keep telling my self .. every day with NC is another day closer to my sanity .... now if only i believed it ........thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 7:24am

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>

what is hard to grasp (and yes some of us know oh so well now)...that it was ENOUGH for HIM to let go. You TO HIM were insignificant enough for HIM to let go. In this modern day of technology and access...he wouldve contacted you by now if HE felt the SAME as YOU do.
He doesn't. Your MM doesn't feel the same way.

Do not find out the way I found out that I was insignificant...it was DEMORALIZING, HUMILIATING, and i soooooooooooo am the type to avoid that USUALLY. You have no idea...how I am..and I have to live with it everyday. Ive forgiven myself because we've all done things that make us look foolish. I am just soooooo damn glad that I didn't hurt anyone in the process but myself. (He is separated from his wife and papers filed but with another OW and living with her and her kids now). I pushed the "friendship" thing after HE reached out as a friend...and he proved to me that he really does...JUST think of me ...as a friend.....and how selfish selfish selfish a man he really is. Even if he *thinks* differently and wants to put on a fascade that way...the fact he couldn't be real with me...sacrificed my feelings...has the same results. So no matter how I rationalize things...I lose. No friend does that. I'll never know for sure...but now it doesn't matter. We often rationalize that they "really" feel for us no matter what their actions say. I cannot say that for certain now...because his actions speak volumes and if i don't let go of that "what if" ...it only diservices me further because no matter what...his actions spoke for him as someone I cannot count on for truth or compassion or passion for me ENOUGH Does that make sense?

Don't call, I wish my exMM hadn't called me...it was humiliating the way I responded. It was only for his ego. I thought it was for his soul. BIG DIFFERENCE. He'd call you by now if he had the SAME LEVEL of passion for you. You know this.
I am sorry, :::hugs::::::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:51am

dont be sorry lizzie.. i need to hear these things... i need to get it thru my head that this is all onesided and i care and he doesnt.. i know if he wanted to he would have contacted me by now ... for whatever reason ..

>>>>>what is hard to grasp (and yes some of us know oh so well now)...that it was ENOUGH for HIM to let go. You TO HIM were insignificant enough for HIM to let go. In this modern day of technology and access...he wouldve contacted you by now if HE felt the SAME as YOU do.
He doesn't. Your MM doesn't feel the same way.>>>>>

I wish i could print this out and keep it some where i could read it every minute of every day till it gets better... ur sooo right im INSIGNIFICANT.. i need to remember that in times of weakness... thank u .. i need people to be honest and real with me now cause my heart is totally ruling my head at this point... as long as i can make it past thursday , his birthday , with NC.. the next hurdle will be easier......thanks for ur input... sorry u had to go thru this crap.. i dont wish it on any one.. and it will never be me again in this situation..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 9:21am

ok now Whatamess...the upside to the "insignficant" part...is that

ITS VERY POSSIBLE TO BE SIGNFICANT TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS FANTASTIC AND WORTHY

I got kinda caught up in the "omg...all men must really feel this way and are this shallow or selfish" paranoia. You are not an insignifant person (hear that Max?) You just hooked up and were attracted TO someone who had a lower level of depth or want or ______ than YOU.

Then i came here and saw Max's posts (among other males on the MA Board). Gave me hope that there are caring feeling men out there...who have passion, compassion, and depth.

Not all still...but yes..there are men out there who do...and I remain hopeful but this time...i will not settle for less. Big learning experience. My motto...if you are not having fun, you better be learning from it.

I get a lil scared as Ive never at my age had the same amount of love for or from someone else. I either didn't care for them (and more in my case) I love someone who doesn't love me "love ya but not in love with ya". This has much to do with my physical apparence I fear but I have to work on both the insides and outsides harder. Pretty girls get that "pass" if you will...some things are more saught after...but I have eyes too that are attracted..and no i dont think I set my standards too high..as its not the pretty boys I am attracted to but rather a certain smart, together, pizzazzy personality to balance my somewhat mundane, accountable sense of self. Ive realized I need to be the right person to attract the right person...bring to the table so to speak...quit trying to fit a square peg in a round hole situation. We learn, we learn ..with every goodbye we learn.
I digress....you are not insignificant, but just in the situation you are in. I am forcing myself to be SIGNIFICANT to others who want to see me as such. I, alas, have nothing to lose anymore. I will never feel a lower pain i dont think...so that in itself is a lil comforting LOL as long as I keep getting smarter and learning rather than hiding or backpedaling.
:::extra bonus hugs::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 10:42am
i got where u were comming from.. this isnt about any one but exMM.. i get it.. needed to hear it.. keep reading it... thanks....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 04-27-2005 - 12:38am

hi liz,

i think u r right, if u are confident, u love yourself and independent u will attract the same person also

i was smiling when i read your post, i have not smile for a long time mind you, there are a lot of men out there that are sincere and caring and loving, real men who have passion in their hearts

i remembered OW telling me that i have to much passion for her and she told me that she felt overwhelmed with it

i heard this or saw this in some movie a long time ago , it said that in the old days when the Greeks died , they dont put anything on their tombstone at all, during the funeral they only want to know one thing, they ask if that dead had "passion"

im sorry i think im losing the train on thought

i guess when we are finally over our affairs and we can become ourselves again, someone out there might notice us for who we are and maybe will take notice

ok , i have no clue what im talking, i just want to say hi and thanks to everyone, just having one of those days that u feel down

max

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