Should I send this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Should I send this?
9
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:24pm
To: xMM:

There is an old Alanis Morrisette song: "You Outta Know," that I was listening to this morning. Like Alanis, I think you should know the mess that has been left behind with me from our relationship. My life has been nothing but chaos since I met you--and I really wish I never had. I never, ever would have entered into anything with you, had I not believed my marriage was seriously in trouble. So you are completely absolved of any responsibility there--not that you have taken any anyway.

I would give anything in this world for little league to be over--so that I would never have to have contact with you again. I will not be coaching or commissioning ever again and I do not ever want to hear from you after June. (Funny, I don't hear from you now anyway).

After you made a promise to me in February to care more about "the important things in my life" you have failed to do that miserably. This has lead me to believe, that we never were friends to begin with. I was your friend: I listened patiently about so many things going on in your life (most of them minor I might add) and you never, ever "followed up" about anything important going on in mine (my son has Asperger's; fear my husband is gay; my H's affair with another woman; my cousin has become addicted to drugs; a member of my church hung himself). You needed and wanted something from me last spring and early summer--I now feel used and objectified about that. You never were my friend. Friendship is a two way street, and certainly our relationship has never been that way. I see that pretty clearly now.

Only I understand you so fully now. You are everybody's favorite guy in the neighborhood and work world (which there is cross over with me on both fronts). I will never do anything to tarnish that for you. But I don't think much of you. Sorry for that. I have learned so much this past year. The only thing I hope that you can take away from me, is to please be careful in the future with whatever woman you find with beautiful eyebrows--because you may not fully understand how vulnerable (as I was) that person may be. What was a dalliance for you--and a way to get some of your sexual and emotional needs met--has become a life altering experience for me.

Please do not ever call me on my office line again. If you need to reach me, please call my house number. I don't expect you to reply to this email: you've never responded to anything important I have ever said to you. I am and was worth so much more than this--and you know it.

I will never, ever tell about what happened between us. You said to me once: "You never tell, and I'll never leave you." Only I need to know what happened--I am the only person that matters in that equation; no one needs to know anything, because I know enough. You also said to me once that you didn’t want to hurt me. You have hurt me in so many ways that you will never, ever understand. You have said so many insensitive things to me I can't even count them all. And even through all of this, I believed in you: but you let me down.

I am looking forward to the day, when you will return as just a name on the little league application. I have no idea if my boys will continue to play in the league. It is certainly a small sacrifice for me to stop coaching (which I love to do) in order to have you completely and fully out of my life.

Be careful who you tell you love in the future.

X

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:33pm
Ummm NO!! The letter will accomplish nothing but futher his ego. ANd you will wonder why he didnt respond- you will wonder what he was thinking when he got it - it will allow him to remain in your mind. Consider it like a journal entry - you got your feelings out. Its up to you to avoid the contact. This initiates contact. I understand your anger hurt and pain beleive me - I wrote many letters - ones that now I wish I NEVER did send because I didnt get a response. Just close that door in your mind and walk away and do your best to change you. Let him deal with himself - only he can learn his own lessons. Its not for you to do it for him - he knows what he did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:41pm
Clarice,

I would not send it! I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing you are still thinking through and about him and all his crap. The fact that you took the time to write it and with the emotion you did, will just say to him that you are still emotionally involved. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are sad, or angry or anything!

I know you may need it for closure. I too feel like there are things I would like to say to my xMM. And, one day, I probably will. BUT NOT while I still have any emotions for him. Tell yourself that when this man no longer has any ability to effect you emotionally (good or bad) that you will say your peace. It might be in six months or it might be in a year - in fact, probably by the time that happens you won't even feel the need to.

You are better than him and better than the situation you have found yourself in. Just make a firm decision in your mind that he is not good enough for you or your attention!

Just my thoughts - from someone in a very similiar situation.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:43pm

NO NO NO NO NO NO....do NOT send this.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:56pm

Clarice, while it is well-written, I don't think I'd send it. There's too much in there that would/could cause retaliation on his part. Maybe not on a conscious level but definitely on the subconscious level!


If you really do want to send him a 'final' type email, put a lot less personal stuff in to it. The feelings stuff would be okay, but the specific examples and things like that I wouldn't put in. If you want I could go through it and send you a mini-version so you could get what I mean.


If it were me, I wouldn't send it but I would feel as if I had purged some of those pent-up feelings and thoughts. Use it as an experience to let it all out as if you were going off full guns on him. But, don't send it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:28pm
Clarice,

I know I havent posted to you these days but I have been reading all your posts and you know my heart goes out to you. (I havent been in a good state of mind to talk to people BUT I had to respond to this).

I have to agree w/ the other posts and say no to sending it. At the end of day you will do what you want to do, as we all do but I have to say I think you are feeding into his ego more w/this letter.

I know its hard. You go through so many different emotions. It sounds to me like you may feel somewhat used which in turn is making you very angry at the moment. You cant make yourself crazy with all this wondering (trust me I know). I think you need to focus on fixing your life to make you happy right now. You obviously have some big and life altering decisions at the moment. God I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I really, really do.

I do believe you are reacting at the moment from the "anger emotion". Be angry thats fine but I think if you send it you will end up feeling worse. What if doesnt respond then what? Will you be satisfied w/ no response? What if he does? You said some pretty strong things in there and what one may take as hurful. If it was me responding to that letter...I would respond back pretty harshly. I would say some things in retaliation to hurt you back. He may not, but if he does I think that your state of mind couldnt handle that right now.

It seems to me you have come to alot of realizations over the past few days. Take this information and digest a bit before reacting.

Easier said than done. Believe me I am living proof of it. Remember, we are all in a somewhat similar situation but we are not in yours so when we read your post it is easy for us to look at this objectively and tell you what to do or not to do.

I am sure it feels like a tough decision right now and perhaps our advice is not what you really want to hear. Maybe you need to go and clear your mind a bit before you decide what you want to do. Good luck.....

xo!

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:50pm
Just one more perspective...

You know the old saying "Silence is Golden" - it really is. There is probably a part of you that just wants to tell this guy off and perhaps hurt him a little for hurting you - but a letter such as this just tells him you're thinking of him (even if its negative) and remember guys like this feed off of attention of any kind. If you really want to put him in his place (and more importantly - move on) put a smile on your face and get busy finding other things to think of than this man. Do this for you. He doesn't deserve anymore of you - not one little bit.

I really do know how you feel. My OM was very similar to yours. It will get better if you just stick to NC and worry about your life not his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:12pm
Dear Clarice: I think your letter is absolutely wonderful! I think it was probably a really great feeling to get all that crap down on paper. BUT now I would destroy it! I understand that you have a burning desire for him to "hear" your pain and regret, but if this guy is truly a narcissist this isn't going to accomplish that goal. Like the other posters said, it's going to make him feel all trumped up. Narcissists love attention to begin with, and if its attention which resulted from hurting you, even better. They feed off it.

You've had some fascinating new insight into this man and its natural that you feel betrayed. The person you thought he was, turns out, fits the profile of a narcissist. Now you realize that you were banging your head against a brick wall all along. It stinks, but you need to incorporate that new information into your experience and move forward with it.

There's plenty of positive things you can do with this information - most importantly, make sure you run like h#ll the next time you meet a narcissist (you'll have no trouble spotting them from now on, I assure you). The fact that he's a narcissist relieves you of any responsibility for the outcome of the relationship so you can start forgiving yourself in case you're thinking you were "less than" or could have done something to change where the A was heading. Bottom line, honey, if he's a narcissist the entire A was out of your hands.

Finally, you're not going to change his opinion about anything anyway. He sees it his way and his ego will not allow him to see it any differently. The most maddening response you could possibly get is to pour out all of that anger and emotion and - NOTHING! Absolute silence on his end. You have an opportunity to protect yourself from additional hurt here but minding your own business, concentrating on yourself and picking up the pieces of your life, and letting him go his own way. I can almost guarantee that you will not get the desired response from that letter and as much as you don't believe it now, the fact that you don't get the desired response is going to make you hurt even worse.

JMHO. Hang in there, honey! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:28pm
thanks guys. thanks for saving me from myself. i will not send it, but it felt great writing it. i have worked thru my rage this morning and feel ok for the moment.

Some things: yes. he knows what he has done to me. he's not stupid. and yes, he has talked with me ad nauseum about how he hurts when he knows he has hurt other people. so, i know, he knows, and deep down, i know, it bothers him.

Yes. i see clearly now this email would have pumped up his ego further.

And yes, now that i believe i have greater insight into his personality, i realize that i have been banging my head against a wall since the A started, ended, NC began, A sort of started again and now NC again. I couldn't figure out what i was banging my head about: but it was this: THE A WAS ALSO UNFILLING because this man is a narcisstic! I once commented to my cousin: gee. i wish my MM would treat me like other mistresses! He never could do that, because each and every contact he had with me, was about his desire for sexual and emotional gratification. I could have been a tree! It wouldn't have mattered.

You know you have hit something right on, after you dig and dig and cry and pray and pray and cry and dig--and then suddenly, you dig so deep that you get to something--and that something is the pit in your stomach, because you know what you've discovered is true.

Many many thanks to all of you! I really don't know what i would do without you all!

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:18pm
Hugs to you Clarice, sorry it's been such a rotten week! I am glad you decided against sending the message!!!! I've written a few of those myself, but never with the intent to actually send them. It just does feel good to get the words out sometimes. Anyway, sorry to be late chiming in, but wanted you to know I'm behind you! :)