Should i send him a "final" email???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Should i send him a "final" email???
2
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 1:51pm

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since i last posted,i don't know if anyone will remember my situation or not so here is a short recap:

Married for 7 years,met OM online and ended up having an 18 month affair...left Husband during that time and tried for Divorce,but neither of us filed.OM knew i was married from the start but i let him "believe" i had filed for Divorce and it had become final about 6 motnhs into the Affair.Husband ended up calling OM and telling him the truth,OM was very hurt and angry(of course),i offered to walk away and leave him alone,he told me he would TRY to get past the lie and work on us...found out OM had bought an engagement ring only a week before Husband told him the truth,he took the ring back and told me we would have to start all over again and things would be completely different now that he knew i had lied to him.Just so you know,OM was Divorced for 3 years due to Wife cheating on him and swore from the first time we met he would never love or marry again and trust was a MAJOR issue for him.H ebroke off the relationship constantly due to his growing feelings for me and the fear of being hurt again,but he always came back saying he had never been that close to a woman since his divorce....after My Husband told him the truth(that we were still legally married)OM and i lasted about another 2 weeks and,over the phone one day he ended it.Im sorry that wasn't so short after all but here is where i need some help/advice:

It's been 17 months since things ended with us and i find myself still "stuck" in the past and not being able to fully let go.I still,to this day think about him every single day and have that ache in my heart when i think of him.For a long time there was no contact,but recently i added him back to my messenger(where we use to talk every day)and he added me too.There have been a few short emails and we have chatted a couple times(mainly to say happy new year and how have you been type stuff)Oh yeah,i might add that he made a point of telling me only THREE months after we broke up that he was engaged to be married,and my Husband and i eventually got back together and have since had a new baby.I guess what i'm trying to find out is why i'm having such a hard time moving away from this relationship i had with him.I loved him so very much and he was "it" for me during that time.I never told him the truth about divorcing because i was scared to lose him,and on top of that i knew what he had been through in his first marriage and didn't want to hurt him like she had...(a sad cop out i know,but the honest to God truth)

Every aspect of my life is happy other than not being able to let go of him.My Husband and i are good together and although i know deep in my heart i'll never love my Husband like he loves me,we are right for each other and our family is a happy one.Since OM and i have been over i have read numerous articles on the word "closure"..I really believe in my heart i am still suffering from lack of.Like i said,OM ended it over the phone and repeatedly i cried and begged him to see me face to face to talk,to give me the chance to say "goodbye"..he refused and to this day,our only contact has been through the computer or texting on cell phones.He never gave me the chance to say all the things i wanted/NEEDED to say,the explanations and reasons i have/had for not being honest with him.And to top it all off,when he told me he was getting married so soon after we broke up,i was thrown into another emotional whirlwind that i STILL don't understand???How could he be with ME for almost 2 years fighting his feelings and fearing love and commitment and turn right around and fall inlove with someone else and get married to HER within 6 months???(By the way this girl is my age,29 and he is 42 and she worked at the local newspaper in his town and he knew her well..he always told me she was so "plain" and would faint if a man even LOOKED at her)What the hell??? That doesn't make sense to me because he is SO different from that and what he was attracted to in a woman doesn't fit her AT ALL!!!

I am just really,really still messed up emotionally over this and i want to send him a very long and heartfelt email telling him EXACTLY how i feel and what all he meant to me and how badly this has messed with my life.I don't know if it's the right thing to do and i don't know what,if anything,it would accomplish.I know all the "experts" say you should write a list/letter and burn it...but what if you WANT the other person to see it??What if you NEED them to see/hear how you're feeling??All i know is i'm still holding onto this love for him and i want to move on and let go!!!I'm so tired of thinking about him,i'm so tired of loving him.How did all we share become so little and meaningless to him?How the hell did he fall in love with someone else so soon after being in love with me?These are the things i need to know.

I am so sorry this is so long,i needed to vent and i REALLY need some help and advice on what i should do.Should i send him the email??Someone please help!!
To anyone who might reply,thank you so very much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 3:25pm

I can see that this is still hurting you so much. I agree with you that you probably didn't get the closure you needed. And while that closure is probably important, it is something you can come to on your own. If you are willing. I can see why you want him to read all the things you have to say. One thing you may want to ask yourself is "why do I really want him to read my thoughts"? Do you want him to understand because you don't want him to think poorly of you? Do you want him to change his mind, and in some way do you want him to want you again? Its just something to think about. Do you want this to initiate contact again? If after thinking of the reasons you want to send him a letter, you still feel that it is important...then I would suggest sending it from an email account that you can delete. Send the email, delete the account. And don't look back. Delete him from IM and block him from email. Otherwise, its not closure you want, but a new opening.

Everyones circumstances are different...but the feelings are very much the same. It is hard to accept that someone may hold ill feelings about us, or even have a perception of us or a situation that we want to clear up. But...if you choose to try to clear it up...after the time that has passed and the lives you have both created...I'd say there is great risk in reopening old wounds and risking something hurtful happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 6:26pm

Advice: This is your problmen not XOMs problem deal with it yourself and leave the man in peace. End all contact once and for all your only making it harder by haveing any sort of contact with him, if you keep contact your recovery could take years more then it has to.

On top of this your HUSBAND and Family deserve better from you then to have you spending time and energy on XOM and the past.