Should I tell her?
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| Tue, 05-25-2004 - 7:52am |
My wife has had some kind of affair, emotional, probably physical, with a single man 5 years younger than her. I have had to leave the home because things were not good and looked like they were never going to improve.
I have never really confronted her with my evidence. PI caught her at his home twice in the last 8 weeks.
Does anyone here believe that confronting her with the hard evidence does any good, or does it make me look like nothing more than a snitch? I would really like to save my marriage for many reasons, but it has been nothing but a one way street now for about 2.5 years. We have been to counseling, but the affair has never really been talked about.
She has actually even told me about the man, tells me they are friends, but that is it, she claims.
So, does confrontation with the hard evidence serve any real purpose in this situation? Would it create a needed crisis or would it just make things worse?
All thoughts appreciated. Thanks,

hope that helps
SB
Seeburg
Good luck in dealing with this however way you choose best for you and your marriage...
Since you took the time to come over here and ask a sincere question without harsh words, I am going to throw my 2 cents into the pot, too... keep in mind that this advice is from a middle-aged woman who had a long-term affair and finally divorced her H in the middle of it all...
Should you confront your W with pictures? My advice is no ... don't confront her with evidence. My reasoning is because it serves no purpose in healing your marriage, IMHO. I believe it could even make things worse. If saving your marriage is truly your goal, you will confront your W about the problems in your marriage and ask her if she is willing to work on your marriage and maintain a monogomous relationship with you during the time that you are working on that marriage. Take it from someone who is taking everything to the grave with her, I would have still denied everything short of my XH catching me in the act with MM... and even then I'd probably have come up with something rediculous like, "we were just two friends 'playing doctor' ... don't pay any attention to the two people between the sheets..." and so on. And, if you have those kind of pictures, well she would know that you knew anyway.
My point to not letting her know is also that you already know about the affair and so does she. Do you really need a confession? Showing her the pictures is going to put another scar on your marriage. She will, somehow and somewhere, resent the fact that you were tailing her. I know it was justified on your part ... but, it is still a sort of betrayal in a way too. Let me ask you this ... would you ever admit to having her followed if you hadn't come up with anything. Probably not. So, think about your real motives behind confronting her with pictures. My guess is that it's more of a 'aha, now I've got you' type of thing - that would be human nature.
Lastly, keep this in mind - Healthy marriages don't have affairs in them. I know that most betrayed spouses don't like to hear that train of thought. But, it's true. It was not your fault that your W went and had an affair to solve her marital problems. But, there are problems and that is a 50-50 fault thing. My advice is to try to fix the marriage through counseling, affection, talk, understanding and no blame. I agree that you can't fix a marriage while an affair is going on. But, I do think that you can confront the issue by saying that you think there are severe problems in the marriage and you would like to give it one last serious shot at fixing it. And, in fixing it, you need a promise from both of you that during that time you will remain faithful to only each other. You don't have to dig up all the gory details to get the promise. Then, just watch her actions from that time forward.
I've come to the conclusion that most people know that the other person is cheating. At least the thought passes through the BS's mind at sometime. I think it's just intuition. My XH new and I couldn't confess and he had no solid proof. Again, short of being in bed with us, he couldn't come up with anything solid enough for me to admit it. If he had tried, it would have been more creative lies from me and more frustration in our marriage. He accused me many times and it got us nowhere. We are divorced now because I couldn't be in a lie anymore and I was in love with someone else. Not fair to either of us. I had my affair because I was emotionally dead in my marriage and felt trapped... I thought (stupidly) that there was no other option. In other words, it was an 'exit affair'. My guess is that I would still be in my marriage if my XH had become more emotionally connected with me, more affectionate, and seemed like he loved me. Being a little biased, I do believe that most women will tell you what is wrong in a marriage long before they cheat... I know I told my XH ... he just didn't listen. So, if you want to save it, start listening and asking. You can start taking an inventory of your 50% of the problem in your marriage. I think that women tend to cheat when they feel unloved by their H and unheard in their marriage. Knowing women, whatever the problems are in your marriage, I'd bet they probably center around something emotional (not sexual). We are emotional creatures.
This is just my long-winded way of telling you to forget showing the pictures. Hope it helps.
Bird
"ask her if she is willing to work on your marriage and maintain a monogomous relationship with you during the time that you are working on that marriage."
And when she lies and says that she has always been faithful, that monogamy isn't an issue, then what? The mantra of infidelity is deny, deny, deny...At all costs. So really, when she states the mantra of denial, then what? How can he seriously work on his marriage when she continues to lie to his face and he knows it?
I would show her the pictures and to heck with her feelings of betrayal and self-righteous indignation over the evidence. Obviously if she wasn't cheating this wouldn't be an issue and second, if she actually cared about YOUR feelings, she wouldn't have cheated on you. After you show her that you know for certain then lay it on the line, if you want to save the marriage then it's monogamy or nothing. Don't let her turn it around and put any blame for the affair on you because it is not your fault.
As for the idea the way you received this information being a betrayal...No, it was not a betrayal, the betrayal was the infidelity. Whynot, you were cheated on, do not let her turn this around and make it seem like you violated her in any way, shape or form. Do not let her turn the spotlight to you and the evidence. She is wrong here, not you. You did what you had to do for piece of mind because truthfully if there were no signs of infidelity then there would be no need for the tail.
Callistus
"Follow men's eyes as they look to the sky, the shifting shafts of shining
What would ever keep her from saying that she would stop the affair and then just go deeper into hiding? Absolutely nothing. We all know that stopping the mess of an affair is probably the hardest thing we've ever done. And, stopping it because of fear or guilt isn't the best way to save a marriage. The affair is a symptom. Treating the symptom doesn't solve their problem. I just don't see a need to point out the big white elephant in the room when everyone knows there's an elephant standing there. The goal should be not needing the elephant anymore - not standing there gawking at it. Ok, so my analogy is probably simplistic and really lame - but I couldn't think of anything else.
I know that from my experience, my XH could have helped to save our marriage if he had been more loving, affectionate, and more understanding. From reading this board for the past several years (ughhh, it's been that long), I see a common theme among the married women. They are women who feel like their needs have gone unmet for a long time. So, in desperation, they have an affair to try to meet those needs. This is a big mistake... but we don't see it at the start. I think most women would rather get their needs met from their husbands. I also think that women have a greater chance than men of turning back to their marriage once their needs start getting met... not scientific, just a hunch that it is true. I know I tried to get my needs met from my XH before and during the start of the affair. He flat out refused because he was in too much pain and that's all he could see.
No one ever knows if the spouse is going to keep on with the affair, even once caught. We all know that. But, if this couple makes an honest attempt at their marriage, they may have a chance and the big white elephant will longer be needed. And how will WhyNot know if she's still cheating? Well, he knew the first time with a gut instinct that led him to hire a PI. The BS knows most of the time. I think that the marriages that have the greatest chance of success are the ones that share equal blame for the problems in the marriage. Everyone says that a BS is never to blame at all. Well, I can tell you that my XH was very much to blame for my cheating. Had he given an ounce of energy towards me, even a scrap, I probably wouldn't have had an affair. I was so starved for affection at the time. I didn't know what else to do to ease the pain. I had no idea that it was going to hurt even more and it seemed like the only solution at the time. I think that the best chance of survival of a marriage is to humble yourself and accept the blame - both parties. I still don't understand why it is such a terrible thing for a BS to say that they screwed up too. If the whole goal is to save a broken marriage, then humility is the way to go in my book. If my XH had caught me and cornered me by furnishing his proof, that certainly would not have softened my heart or fixed my marriage. It might have made me stay out of fear or guilt or any one of a number of negative emotions. But, it definitely wouldn't have made me say, 'oh my god, I just love this guy to death because he is meeting all of my needs...what am I doing to him.' I would have been ashamed, guilty, angry that I'd been caught, and trapped in a corner.
I know that honesty is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. But, IMHO, I believe it has to be willing honesty - not forced. Who knows, if she felt like her H was a soft place to fall, she might just open up on her own. And that kind of honesty could never be replaced with a forced type of honesty. So, she confesses under diress. Then what? They will be fighting about that affair until the cows come home. He will always wonder if she stopped out of fear or if she really loved him.
It comes down to either wanting to be right or wanting to save your marriage. I know that my responses to this thread are not going to be popular. I know that Dr. Phil would say I was in utter denial. But, I'm thinking that a lot of BSs never get over their spouse's affair and the marriage breaks up or the affair continues because they are playing victim the whole time. And, society reinforces the victim role. The problem is that victims rarely get what they want. He wants a healthy marriage. I don't think he will get that with cornering her. Maybe, he will get it for the short-term. But, I doubt it will last. Threats, hardness, and cold reality are not attractive - especially to a woman in pain. Let's put it this way, if he shows her the pictures, there's no going back. If it blows up in his face, he's still lost his marriage. If he changes and tries to fix his marriage, inspite of his knowledge, and tries to get her to turn back to the marriage, it just may work. If it doesn't and he still suspects that she is cheating, he then decides if he wants to leave or corner her. If he corners her without fixing the problems, the uncertainty will always be there. That's a heck of a way to live with someone.
That's just where I'm coming from and I realize that other people have a different opinion. That's why this board is so great. Hey, even OW can't always agree. I think he just needs to digest everyone's opinions and then look at them as they would apply to his marriage and his set of values. I will say, though, love and forgiveness get you way farther in life than anything else. I'm not saying to be a doormat. I just think there is a place in between an onslaught and a doormat. I think it's at least worth a try. Sometimes the best solutions to seemingly terrible problems is just vulnerable honesty and humility. It more often than not gets you more in the end.
Bird (very long-winded as usual)
Don't show her the pictures. It will just fuel a very delicate situation. I do think that later, as you are working on things, you should tell her that you had a PI tail her and take pictures. I don't think you can lie or keep that kind of secret if you truly want to fix things.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best, whether that is staying or leaving. you deserve honesty, fairness, and mutual support in your marriage. I really hope you both can work towards that. Good luck!
Agreed, very long winded (just kidding, you write very eloquently), but you didn't answer the question, you actually tap danced around it. You said in your initial post in this thread, #4:
"If saving your marriage is truly your goal, you will confront your W about the problems in your marriage and ask her if she is willing to work on your marriage and maintain a monogomous relationship with you during the time that you are working on that marriage."
I responded that he knows she is cheating and that the mantra is to deny, deny, deny. So, Whynot approaches his wife,
**This is NOT a debate board. Callistus, I see that you post on the BS board...please, if you are a BS, remain there. OR if you like to debate such things, please go to All Sides of the Affair board. We here are trying to heal from past transgressions---please allow us the space to do so, without judgement or harsh words.
**Silentbird...very eloquent postings...made me think and see a different view of things. Thank you.
**Whynot....why are posting this here? I read the entire thread on the BS board. You had about 33 or 34 responses to the same question there. I believe you received some very, very good advice and comments there, so I am wondering why you would pose this same question here? This is not meant to be harsh--just curiousity. You're an intelligent man, a physician by trade, but your seeking for answers outside yourself and some kind of validation for a decision that only you can make. You know which direction to go in....go there.
**Cl's....can we end this thread?
namaste~
dharma
On second thought, never mind.
Callistus
"Follow men's eyes as they look to the sky, the shifting shafts of shining
This discussion has been closed.
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