should i tell him he hurt me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
should i tell him he hurt me?
5
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 9:11am
i broke no contact the other day and spoke to him on the phone. we talked for a little bit and then he had to go. i asked him to call me back and he said he would but didnt.

i started to realize he didnt care about me and really wasnt my friend. i had told him i was hurting and needed to talk to him and he didnt care to call me back to talk.

i want him to know that he hurt me by telling me what we did was a mistake. i want him to know he played me for a fool and that i fell for his game. i want him to know that i also fell on believing he was my friend.

i realize that i really grew to care about him and atleast i wanted him to be my friend in the end.

i want to take control and never see him again. but i have a party with him on saturday and the wedding in november. i really want to say we are not going to go, but i am afraid that would make matters worse and lead my h to know about the A.

i know i have to suck it up until november. but seeing him each time hurts. its like a wound that can not heal.

i am still in love with him and those emotions can be so strong.

please help me......

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 9:22am
USD

To answer your question NO, he does not care way lower yourself anymore in front of him.

Find a reason to stay away from the party, way would your husband suspect a affair I am sure there are others how will miss it as well who were not in an affair.

At the risk of offending you or others who read this, affairs on the whole are not based on healthy love or friendship, there about usng other people to put a bandaid on some internal wound, the bandaid has gone away, all that is left to do is to heal the old wound and the new one caused by using a dirty bandaid.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 9:45am
Telling him will serve ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE. None. It won't give you closure. It won't tell him anything he doesn't already know; trust me, he KNOWS he hurt you. And most of all -- it will not change his mind; it will not bring him back to you, it will not make him decide to not get married, it will not heal that wound in any way, shape, or form. It will most likely only make you feel even worse than you already do when he doesn't respond in a way that makes you happy.

Maybe you do have to see him again at these events -- and I'm sorry that you do, I know how hard that is going to be -- but you do NOT have to have any more destructive conversations with him. You CAN control that!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:07am
Hiya UD4H,

You ask if you should tell him he hurt you. I'm wondering just what purpose it would serve? Wouldn't it just be an invitation to yet more hurt?

I imagine the conversation might go something like this:-

"Hi OM, I don't think you've hurt me enough yet, so could I have some more pain, please?"

"Why sure, UD4H, how would you like it dished up today? Shall I tell you some more about my wedding plans? Or shall I just make promises to phone when I have no intention of keeping them? Perhaps I should simply ignore you some more?"

He's feeling relatively safe in the belief that as a married woman with much to lose, you'll continue to keep the secret of the affair thus preserving his wedding plans and ensuring his own happy ever after.

As difficult as it is to hear/read it, the bottom line here is he doesn't actually care how much you've been hurt, honey, since you were an equal partner in the affair. The fact remains that you chose to embark on the affair and nothing happened to you that you did not expressly permit.

Take a good, long look around you and judge for yourself whether it is worthwhile throwing away all that you do have for someone who (regardless of how much or how little your affair meant to him) clearly wants to spend his life with someone else.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 10:26am

"i broke no contact the other day"


Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:25pm
One conclusive point: If you can acknowledge that the OM has TOO MUCH POWER over you, then therefore you are in no condition to communicate with him REGARDLESS. You need to retreat, to protect yourself...think about yourself first and foremost. Then you will be in a stronger position to figure what will be right for you: to confront him or not, etc..

I wish I have been following everyone's story...I do not know the specifics of your relationship with the OM (for example, why you have to see him? You guys friends with the same people? Work together? Familial connections?)

Without the specifics, I wish I can offer you more realistic ways of how to overcome this. Thing is if you do get the chance to encounter and tell him of your "frustration," you may not get the response that you may want to hear/see (facial expressions, etc..) which might even frustrate, hurt you even more. The worst part is having him to still troll around, possibly looking smug (well according to you), not "caring." However if your interactions with him are limited (tightly controlled), maybe you can take the step to approach him...whatever, however he responds, you may never have to see his response from that day on.

Not all individuals are the same; only you know him at your heart (yes, truly admit to yourself what kind of character he is...and force yourself to remove the "rose-colored" glasses). If you know deep down he is sensitive, would respond to your needs...then maybe you can tell him to seek closure. Maybe he takes the term "Jerk" to all time high...But then via your post, the man did not return your phone call. Many reasons why he did not do so...I have to discount "he did not care" excuse...most likely far from that. Probably figured there was no point in consoling you because the relationship is over, finito, el fin- no carrot stick. The friendship line HAS BEEN CROSSED...you are NOW EX-GIRLFRIEND. Guy psychology is whacked but at the same time, truly SIMPLE.

QUESTION TO YOU: What do you hope to gain by telling him how he hurt you, etc..? Have him break down, sob that he really loves you all along...? Ask yourself this- FORCE the truth out of yourself. If you are hoping for that look of "adoration"...you need more time, enough to prepare yourself for whatever actions he set forth...emotionally armor yourself.


ALSO (and I do not know the courtship, wooing tactics between you two) do not rely/depend on the feelings he showed when you two first got together...ALL HONEYMOON FACE. Are you hoping for that glimmer of honeymoon face when you "confront" him? The truth.....