Should I tell my husband I Cheated

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Should I tell my husband I Cheated
9
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 8:39am
Hello everyone.. I'm new to this discussion board and I will be here a lot.. I will tell you everything what happened.. I need a lot of help and I just want one question answered right now. Should I tell my husband about my affair with a married man? I told him that we kissed and he said don't do it again that would be the last straw. I seen how hurt he was and he started crying.. Please help
Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 10:25am
Only you can make that decission .... everyone's circumstance is different. I told my H but only after the A had been over and we went to couples counseling. Best thing you can do for yourself is to get in to see a therapist.

*good Luck* & *hugs*

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 12:19pm
My wife told me about her affair and it was the best thing she could have ever done. Had I found out on my own I don't know how trust could ever return. Only you can decide what is best, but I think I would rather have a marriage built on truth (no matter how difficult the truth is) than to have a marriage built on lies. If you want to make your marriage truly work, then I think you should tell. If you're willing to settle for less than great, then keep it to yourself. Of course, you run the risk of losing him but you have no one to blame but yourself for that. My advice is do the right thing from now on, it's the only way to make up for things you've done wrong in the past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 12:50pm
I do not recommend it. I confessed - and am living a prisoner /wardon type lifestyle at this point. BUT some do highly recommend it like marriagebuilders.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 12:58pm
HI

I would not tell your husband. In this case preserve his feelings and try to forget about it. good luck....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 2:15pm
To those of you who would not tell, would you want to know? Would you like to live in ignorance while your spouse is running around on you, or do you think you would rather know the truth about the person you are married to? I think most people would like to know, even if it hurts like hell. I think most people can handle mistakes by their spouse more easily than they can handle being lied to for the rest of their lives. I guess it's obvious that I was the betrayed spouse, but I can't begin to tell you how important it was to me to find out from her. To me it meant that she respected me enough to give me the facts so that I could decide what I wanted out of my life. I much prefer to have a choice than to live life in the dark, not knowing who I am married to. Wouldn't you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 2:56pm
Hi and welcome...

I can't say what is right for you and you will hear a lot from BOTH sides of this decision - to tell or not to tell.

I chose NOT to tell my H. No one can know how they will react until faced with something, but in my case I want to try to save my marriage, and I don't think that would be possible if I told my H. He might forgive (probably not) but would never forget. It would destroy my children too. I am trying very hard to just be honest from this point on and never to do it again (not always easy) and to make up for it without ever telling him. I have asked God for forgiveness, and I continue to struggle with this in therapy. My therapist does NOT think I should tell my H. It's not easy but I honestly believe that the trust destroyed by telling him would never ever be able to be repaired and our marriage would not survive.

If I chose to tell my H, I would have to accept the possibility that he might slam the door on me forever and not be willing to even try with me to save our marriage. He might not, but unless I'm willing to accept any possible outcome, I can't do it. I feel guilty, I want desperately sometimes to tell him. I want to relieve my guilt and sometimes I REALLY want to just tell him to SHAKE HIM, wake him up to how serious our problems are... but the destructive power of confession is too much for me and I will not tell him.

Good luck and remember that no one can tell you what to do. You are the only one who knows yourself, your situation, your H... it's good to hear all sides of the discussion, but in the end you and your loved ones have to live with the decision you make.

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 3:00pm
Lurkerman,

I appreciate that you acknowledge you are a BS and did not have an affair yourself. Please understand that you can only speak from YOUR point of view. Every marriage is different, every person is different. In an ideal world, I could tell my H of my affair and we could work together to try to repair the damage. But I have to go with another option - that it's DONE, OVER, never gonna happen again. I am in therapy and dealing with it as best as I can. Telling him would be VERY destructive and the harm would outweigh the good. Confession is not for everyone and in some cases it's not advised...

I'm glad you are working with your W to repair things. Not every W has a H willing to do that.

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 3:29pm
I agree with what you are saying. Every marriage is different, and my viewpoint as the betrayed spouse definately gives me a somewhat jaded opinion. My wife thought for sure that I would leave her. I NEVER thought that I would EVER stay with someone who cheated on me. I couldn't imagine it, and I didn't understand how anyone could forgive something like that. Well, it happened to me and I didn't react the way my wife or I thought I would react. It was as if someone turned on a light for me. All the problems that I could never seem to fix or understand in my marriage became crystal clear. I am going to have a great life with my wife, and my marriage is better now than it has ever been. Don't get me wrong, it has been a hell ride. This is the toughest thing I've ever gone through, but at no time through any of this have I ever wished she didn't tell me. I can't begin to express how important it is for me to know the truth and not be played like a chump for the rest of my life. I have made my choice, I have chosen to stay with a woman that I love, who is a flawed human being just like all of us, and who is sorry for what she did. All of that is tough to swallow, but it's much better than being lied to, or not knowing the truth about the person you're going to spend your life with. Affairs are usually the result of marital problems. You can work to fix the problems, but you aren't giving it your all if you're not honest, and he can't give it his all because he will have no idea about the true extent of the issues in your marriage. If you want a marriage that reaches it's fullest potential then I think you need to strongly consider the truth as an option (like that is a surprise). That's how I feel, and it has worked for me. That is my story, so do with it what you want.

I know that this is a board that is primarily for women. I would not advise any woman to tell the truth if she felt like she might be in physical danger for doing so. But, if you're husband isn't the type of man that is going to hurt you then I would advise you to give him the respect and credit that you owe him, and that means telling him the truth. That's my opinion. You'll hear plenty of them and it's up to each person to decide what is best for them. I thought it would be good to hear from a man who has been cheated on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 4:11pm
>> My wife thought for sure that I would leave her. I NEVER thought that I would EVER stay with someone who cheated on me. I couldn't imagine it, and I didn't understand how anyone could forgive something like that. Well, it happened to me and I didn't react the way my wife or I thought I would react. It was as if someone turned on a light for me. All the problems that I could never seem to fix or understand in my marriage became crystal clear. I am going to have a great life with my wife, and my marriage is better now than it has ever been. <<

Your wife is a lucky woman. I would LOVE to know my H would respond as you did... I would love to be able to turn on that light for him, for both of us, that would explain some of our issues... I can't risk it. He might NOT be like you - he might kick me out, and I don't want a divorce (at least not now - I can't speak for the longterm future). I want to try to make it work between us... we have 18 years together and 2 children and we deserve a chance. I don't want to be like another woman on this board who describes her life now as a warden/prisoner relationship - another likely outcome IF my H let me even stay... I can't tell him. It's not ideal. It's not honest. It's not respectful of his right to choose. I know all the reasons I wish I could tell him, but in my individual situation, I just can't... I wish I had known how I would feel now when I made that awful wrong decision to say "yes" to the OM... but I can't undo the past and my mistakes. I just have to do what I hope will work out best for the future... and know that I at least learned from my mistakes and I am NOT doomed to repeat them.

Glinda