Should I tell my wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Should I tell my wife?
15
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:56am
First, thank you all who have posted and helped me with my situation. Please help me again. Just when I thought things were starting to get better, another bad development occured. I found out last night that the OW had tried to contact me through my best friend shortly after we began NC because she was miserable. My friend told her to stay away from me, and if she needed someone to vent to, she could call him (they have known each other for years.) One thing led to another, and they ended up spending a night together. I realize that technically, my relationship with her was over, and I can't expect her to live like a nun while I work on my marriage. Yet, the fact she was with my best friend so quickly after we began NC hurts me more than I can describe with words. In the last week, I've been betrayed by my wife (see my other post,) my OW, and my best friend. I feel so sad and alone. I am debating whether to tell my W what I found out about my friend and the OW. Would you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:16pm
Ouch. I am so sorry...

It would probably hurt your W to know how much YOU are hurt by what your best friend and exOW did. I can totally sympathize, but maybe this is something you should keep to yourself? This sounds like such a sticky situation already...why add to it. You need to concentrate on YOU and your W, and ignore what exOW does. Easier said than done, of course, but if you want to move on, you can't care about what she does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:45pm
Ouch is right! That really sucks!! But it puts the OW in a whole new -- not so bright -- light, doesn't it?

My question is, why *wouldn't* you tell your wife? I agree that you don't want to hurt her with the knowledge of how much this information hurt you. But I think if you want to really work on rebuilding your marriage, you need to stop keeping secrets from one another. JMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:52pm
I don't know...I think at some point, you just have to stop it all with the OW. Its just adding another layer to the situation if you follow what happens b/w her and your friend.

Is it relevant to you and your W, really? If you think it is, then go ahead and tell her, though you should give it to her straight and tell her how much it hurts you that she did that...no sense in sugar-coating your feelings.

So I guess my advice is...if you tell her...tell her the whole truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:27pm
Sorry to hear that, GoingNuts. :( You've had a lot of surprises lately!

I don't know if this will help, but I'd like to try to shed some light on what OW was probably going through that led her into this situation. As you know, the affair is an addiction and ending things was very painful for both of you. She was most likely in terrible withdrawal and was looking for anything to ease the pain a little and give her a fix. I know many women on this board have posted saying that they were tempted to jump into another affair for that 'high' in hopes to numb some of the pain. If your best friend showed even the slightest interest, I would imagine she'd have a terrible time not giving in. She was hurting, alone, and someone (who happened to be close to you) offered her attention, made her forget her pain for a little while. She had to have been so torn apart, just like you were, and looked for comfort wherever she could find it. Also, I know I've become a little closer to my XOM's friends at work. (They don't even know about us, but it makes me feel good to be close to them AND know that no matter what XOM thinks, these guys respect me and see me as a good person.) It's strange, but in a way she was reaching out for you and settled for the next best thing.

As for your best friend...I don't know. :(

Just wanted you to maybe see things through her eyes to ease your pain and anger.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:17pm
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Lily, thank you for providing the insight from the OW's point of view. After thinking about it, you are probably right about her pain and motivation to start another affair. Understanding helps, but it's going to take awhile for me to get over my pain. Perhaps, it's the best thing, though. It makes me realize how much better of a person my W is than the OW, and it motivates me to keep rebuilding with more strength and vigor. I'm still not sure whether or not to tell her. Part of me wants to have no secrets from here on out; yet another part of me wants to avoid more potential pain. There has been so much already. If you were the W, would you want to know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:39pm
As the W, I don't think I would give a flying fig who the OW was sleeping with, as long as it wasn't my husband.

I guess what I'm thinking is, if it somehow comes up, don't hide it from her; but if bringing it up would be completely out of context, there's probably not much reason to talk about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:36pm
Amen, Sister Friend!

I agree with Katie. :)

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:36pm

Complete answer to your last question:


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:38am
Goingnuts,

I am so sorry about that.. When it rains it

pours.. Grrr!

I will have to agree with the majority here about

not telling W. I dont see what it would accomplish

as far as helping you rebuild you marriage.

If anything it would give you something for your wife

something else to say negative about her in future

arguments (JMO). I still care about OM and still to

this day will not let H say anything negative about him.

Just curious I didn't see it in your post about how

you found out that OW spent the night with your friend?

Did your friend tell you about it? If he did I dont

see how he is that great of a friend knowing the pain

that you are still going through.

Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 10:34am
Lost--great question. The reason I didn't disclose who told me was I thought the story was getting too confusing. Actually, the MW's husband visted me and showed me the phone records of his wife calling my best friend. He did this to A) hurt me; and B) to see if I knew anything more about it. Of course, I knew nothing, and was I floored. I later called my best friend who at first told me he was just listening to her whine about missing me, but later admitted that he couldn't lie to me, and told me that one thing led to another, and they spent one night together. That hurt. Later, I called and confronted the OW, and she insisted on meeting me to tell the story. Our meeting didn't present any great revelations, other than that she had made a mistake and she was so sorry. Even though we are in NC, the whole thing hurts me more than I can describe. I am already depressed, but this set me back further than I was at the start of NC. Because I am so depressed and nonfunctional, I want to tell my wife the cause of it, so that she won't feel as if she has anything to do with my recent mood change. Additionally, we agreed that if the OW's husband was to contact either of us, we would tell the other (he's not the most stable guy in the world.) These are the reasons I am debating whether to tell my wife. Still not sure what to do....

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