Should I tell my wife?
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Should I tell my wife?
| Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:56am |
First, thank you all who have posted and helped me with my situation. Please help me again. Just when I thought things were starting to get better, another bad development occured. I found out last night that the OW had tried to contact me through my best friend shortly after we began NC because she was miserable. My friend told her to stay away from me, and if she needed someone to vent to, she could call him (they have known each other for years.) One thing led to another, and they ended up spending a night together. I realize that technically, my relationship with her was over, and I can't expect her to live like a nun while I work on my marriage. Yet, the fact she was with my best friend so quickly after we began NC hurts me more than I can describe with words. In the last week, I've been betrayed by my wife (see my other post,) my OW, and my best friend. I feel so sad and alone. I am debating whether to tell my W what I found out about my friend and the OW. Would you?

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It would probably hurt your W to know how much YOU are hurt by what your best friend and exOW did. I can totally sympathize, but maybe this is something you should keep to yourself? This sounds like such a sticky situation already...why add to it. You need to concentrate on YOU and your W, and ignore what exOW does. Easier said than done, of course, but if you want to move on, you can't care about what she does.
My question is, why *wouldn't* you tell your wife? I agree that you don't want to hurt her with the knowledge of how much this information hurt you. But I think if you want to really work on rebuilding your marriage, you need to stop keeping secrets from one another. JMHO.
Is it relevant to you and your W, really? If you think it is, then go ahead and tell her, though you should give it to her straight and tell her how much it hurts you that she did that...no sense in sugar-coating your feelings.
So I guess my advice is...if you tell her...tell her the whole truth.
I don't know if this will help, but I'd like to try to shed some light on what OW was probably going through that led her into this situation. As you know, the affair is an addiction and ending things was very painful for both of you. She was most likely in terrible withdrawal and was looking for anything to ease the pain a little and give her a fix. I know many women on this board have posted saying that they were tempted to jump into another affair for that 'high' in hopes to numb some of the pain. If your best friend showed even the slightest interest, I would imagine she'd have a terrible time not giving in. She was hurting, alone, and someone (who happened to be close to you) offered her attention, made her forget her pain for a little while. She had to have been so torn apart, just like you were, and looked for comfort wherever she could find it. Also, I know I've become a little closer to my XOM's friends at work. (They don't even know about us, but it makes me feel good to be close to them AND know that no matter what XOM thinks, these guys respect me and see me as a good person.) It's strange, but in a way she was reaching out for you and settled for the next best thing.
As for your best friend...I don't know. :(
Just wanted you to maybe see things through her eyes to ease your pain and anger.
Lily
I guess what I'm thinking is, if it somehow comes up, don't hide it from her; but if bringing it up would be completely out of context, there's probably not much reason to talk about it.
I agree with Katie. :)
Lily
Complete answer to your last question:
I am so sorry about that.. When it rains it
pours.. Grrr!
I will have to agree with the majority here about
not telling W. I dont see what it would accomplish
as far as helping you rebuild you marriage.
If anything it would give you something for your wife
something else to say negative about her in future
arguments (JMO). I still care about OM and still to
this day will not let H say anything negative about him.
Just curious I didn't see it in your post about how
you found out that OW spent the night with your friend?
Did your friend tell you about it? If he did I dont
see how he is that great of a friend knowing the pain
that you are still going through.
Lost
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