Should I tell my wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Should I tell my wife?
15
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:56am
First, thank you all who have posted and helped me with my situation. Please help me again. Just when I thought things were starting to get better, another bad development occured. I found out last night that the OW had tried to contact me through my best friend shortly after we began NC because she was miserable. My friend told her to stay away from me, and if she needed someone to vent to, she could call him (they have known each other for years.) One thing led to another, and they ended up spending a night together. I realize that technically, my relationship with her was over, and I can't expect her to live like a nun while I work on my marriage. Yet, the fact she was with my best friend so quickly after we began NC hurts me more than I can describe with words. In the last week, I've been betrayed by my wife (see my other post,) my OW, and my best friend. I feel so sad and alone. I am debating whether to tell my W what I found out about my friend and the OW. Would you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:01am
Okay, so your *real* question is, should you tell your wife that the OW's crazy H contacted you, NOT should you tell your wife that the OW slept with your friend... That makes more sense now.

My gut feeling is that if you agreed to tell each other if the guy contacted you, you should probably hold up your end of the bargain. Maybe it's something best brought up in MC, though.

Meanwhile, I know this is easier said than done but, you need to let go!!!! The first step to letting go is to stick to NC; fight the urges to contact OW no matter what else may come out about her. Can you see outside of your emotions enough to realize that breaking NC to confront her might not have been the best choice? What is done is in the past; you have made your choice to stay with your wife, so you need to not concern yourself with what the OW is doing anymore. Not to mention, if the H is not the most stable guy in the world, every bit of contact you have with her could be putting you, OW, and your wife, into harm's way.

I wish you loads of strength. It may not seem so now, but happier days are around the bend, if you can just make the effort to move ahead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:10am
Going,

Oh my.. First I would like to say that your story wasn't getting

too confusing. All As or at least mine was and still does confuse me.

Can't believe her H did that.. Must have been such a shock to you.

If you tell your wife how do you think she will react? I know after

being in a similar situation as yours when both H/W have had affairs

that it is different. Do you think she will show you the support you

need right now? Really hope the best for you.. Tried to think of the

right words to say but not doing so well today..

Lost


Edited 9/24/2004 11:23 am ET ET by lostnhim

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:44pm
There seems to be a lot of people involved here and they seem to be freely talking. Therefore, complete honesty would in my opinion be the best policy. This doesn't sound as though it should be a deal breaker for your DW. LOL!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:31pm
Hiya Goingnuts,

Going to add my voice to the choir and chime in with a hearty YES! Tell your wife especially since it was part of whatever bargain you struck between you.

How can you begin to seriously rebuild your marriage when honesty is lacking from the recipe? All cards on the table seems to be the best policy given that there have been so many lies & deceits flying around.

If DW has had her own EMA and is working through that, then you can certainly begin to understand each others' need to grieve and work through both your respective EMA's. You could well find support in a place you'd least expect it.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:39pm

"If you were the W, would you want to know?"


I am sorry for your pain, I haven't yet read what your wife did to you, but as I was reading through this thread your question here prompted me to respond.

Love

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