should i tell the wife?
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should i tell the wife?
| Sat, 03-06-2004 - 12:16am |
Hi everybody. im hoping to get some advice about my situation. i have been seeing a married man on and off for about three years. He's 20 years my senior and I am going to be 21 years old in few weeks. I just had a beautiful baby girl two months ago, and he is the father. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. he has three children the youngest being a 14 year old girl. He always said he had to stay with his wife even though he dioesn't love her because he needs to be around his daughter. i never bought the "i'm staying for the kids" story, but i liked being with him and knew that sex was the only thing we had in common although I have to admit I loved him tremendously and still do . well, the affair is over, and i've decided that i want to raise my baby on my own, and i don't want anyone to know she was a product of our affair. he has agreed to this. but i feel guilty about everything. everytime i see my daughter i am reminded of how it is my fault she will never have a father. I am so angry that he agreed to my decision so easily. what kind of man would just give up his daughter like that? one who doesnt want to get caught by his wife, i guess. well, tonite i called his house for the first time. his wife answered, and i hung up. i don't know what possessed me to call. i was going to tell her everything. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. if i have to suffer the guilt and shame for what i've done then he should have to too, right? someone tell me if im right or wrong. doesn't she deserve to know?
jessi
jessi

Good luck.
You have let this man get off scott free haven't you, how pleased he must have been to hear that you didn't want him to have any involvement with his daughter because it lets him keep his little world intact. I can understand how hurt you must feel at his easy agreement to walk away from your child.
At one stage in my affair I thought I may be pregnant and my now XMM took my hand and told me not to worry everything would be fine that if I was having his child he would stand by us both, he was prepared to tell his wife, we didn't know what the outcome would be but that is how I know he loved me when I needed him most he was prepared to stand by me and I was 44 at the time(old I know but my mum had me at 42) and have brought up three children on my own since my divorce! and yet he was understood if I was having his child how much we would both need him. Fortunatly or unfortunatly according to how I'm feeling it was just a scare.
You are so young (I have a daughter your age) I'm not saying your too young to cope with bringing your daughter up alone, as as long as she is loved by you she'll be just fine but it's hard being a single parent, financially and emotionally. If it were my daughter in this situation I would expect this man to accept his responsibilities at least in a financial way.
Should his wife know, yes but he should tell her. He has no right to walk away from you and his daughter.
You have to think what is best for you and your child, I understand why you feel you want to tell his wife (I'd want to too if it was me) but you need to talk to him if you can tell him that although you want to bring her up alone you may need some help from him now and again. Your daughter will want to know about her father when she is older so he can't pretend it hasn't happened.
It's not your fault your daughter has no father it's his, why do you feel any shame your daughter was born out of the love you felt for him. It's not the best circumstances in which to have a child but never the less she is a precious gift.
Edited 3/6/2004 7:30:41 AM ET by natty536
Sounds like to me that your hoping that if his wife were to find out she would toss him out the door, and that would mean that the two of you could finally be together. Wrong. First of all if YOU tell her he will probably feeled betrayed, sounds silly I know. The way that I would handle this would be give him a call and tell him that you went to family court to file for child support (which trust me, is your daughter's entitlement) and that the reason you were calling him was to give him a heads up before his wife finds out when the papers from court come in the mail. (But once you say this to him you must follow through with it) By doing it this way your at least giving him the consideration of prewarning him, which wouldn't hurt any chances of the 2 of you getting back together someday, one never knows.
I have one word of advice for you: DON'T.