Should I tell the wife of my affair with her husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013
Should I tell the wife of my affair with her husband?
17
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 12:33am

Anyone,

I just found this site tonight and I am searching for anyone that can advise me on what to do. I ended a 10 year affair with a married man in November of last year (11/1/12) and haven't  seen him in 10 months. I broke down this past June and called him because I wanted to apologize for my behavior, for sleeping with him for 10 years, and say I wanted to clear my conscience. He never left his wife and I divorced my husband after 30 years of marriage because I kept  thinking he would. During our affair he confessed that he had an affair once before me and his wife caught him. Of course he told her  this woman didn't mean anything, even though he slept with her more than once. She forgave him. He told me of this prior affair after I slept with him, I was thinking he was just like me, a first time adulterer. Unfortunately his wife caught him again, this time with a picture of me and my phone number was in his phone so she confronted him.  He lied to her and said he didn't love me, hadn't slept with me and would do anything to stay with her. Away to marriage counseling they go without him ever stopping his affair with me. We continued to see each other for 9 years.  I finally had enough after he brought his wife to the same place we always stayed at when he was in town for the weekend, not caring that I saw him.  I told him to leave me the hell alone and he did. Fast forward to me calling him to clear my consience in June, and we spoke a few times but he was very cool towards me. I asked him to come see me when he was in town, he lives in another state and travels a lot for his job. Before he said he would he called to say that he was having trouble at home, to which I said I didn't want to know about it just stop to see me. He finally had to call me and say his wife caught him again with another woman and he was in a lot of trouble. It turns out when I ended it in November he found a woman 20 years younger to carry on withwhile living in Florida for his job, and he told her he was divorced. Met her family and was dating her heavily. She called him when he was at home one weekend looking for him and his wife answered his phone. She found out the whole story and told his wife what he was doing with her. Now the woman that he was involved with has tested positive for STD's. He was picking up women and sleeping with them before he found her so she has diseases but not sure if he does. What a mess. I I just want advice on if I should call his wife and let her know that he was with me too, and it was 10 years not just a few weeks like she thinks. I am concerned that he is going to give her a serious ilness if she hasn't got it already, and she needs to know he is a pathological liar with a narcissistic personality. I am NOT seeking revenge, it will expose me and subject me to humiliation and ridicule, that I deserve by the way, but I want her to know.  He deserves to be caught before he hurts more people. His wife is too insecure to kick him out, and they are Catholic so maybe this would help her make the right decision. NO I don't want the sick man, just want to make a clean start for my sanity. My marriage was ruined by my stupidity and belief of every smooth talking lie that he told me. Thank you for any replies,  I know I was wrong and have asked for forgiveness from God many times.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005

Having been on the other side of this, telling her will only hurt her more. I was with a man who cheated on me, we were together for 5 years, I knew about a couple of the other women and still wonder how often or when he would do it. I'm now just starting to date other people after finally leaving and I know I have horrible trust issues, I just think anyone I'm with is going to cheat or is with other women. But him cheating on her isn't your fault it's his, however, you should know that she hates you and would never want to listen to what you have to say. Sorry for being harsh but its the truth, at least from my perspective.

However, since there are stds involved, i think you need to tell her something. I got chlamidia once while we were together, I'm not sure how long I had it either since I had gone 2 years between a check-up, and also was lucky my doctor does that check as part of an annual.  Not only was I being cheated on but having that std for so long also harmed my reproductive health, and the one i had is mild compared to other stds out there if left untreated.

i think you should write her a short email, or text, saying, "I know for a fact your husband slept with a woman who has x, you need to get tested". I will hurt her but it will hurt like ripping off a bandaid. I would rather get that then a phone call or a long letter apologizing, then also putting in there that she may have an std. Honestly, SHE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU'RE SORRY!  And I'm sure, she doesn't want to hear from you.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

No, I don't think you should involve yourself.  You can only hope that this guy told his wife about the STD...he'd have to be really stupid not to as I think if she is not treated, it will be passed back to him.

Do not involve yourself.  This woman has been hurt enough.  Many betrayed spouses know enough to get themselves tested when they learn their spouse has been sleeping around.

Do not involve yourself.

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't really see the point.  He already said he's having trouble at home because his DW found out about this 3rd woman--I mean, she caught the woman before you, she was suspicious of you and now there's a 3rd one--I think she has enough info there to realize (if she wants to) that something is going on.  Maybe that woman already told his DW that she had an STD or maybe the woman told his DW that he's been sleeping w/ a bunch of other women.  I surely can't see that it would help his DW to learn that he had an ongoing long term affair with you.  I really think that you want to do it to clear your conscience (which it won't do) or to justify to yourself that you didn't waste a lot of time and that you meant something to him.

I am confused about 2 things though--first you said you apologized to him--for what?  The ones you owe the apology to are  your exH and his DW--although I'm sure that his DW won't care to hear from you.  Your former AP was equally as guity as you were so there was no need to apologize.  2nd, why would you ask him to come & see you?  You ended the affiar, so if you don't want to start it up again, I can't see any reason why you should want to be with this guy or even talk to him ever again.  He's bad news.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013

Thank you for the feedback but I need to clarify my situation. He is not divorced from his wife, the other woman that he was caught with this time didn't know he was married so the wife was not mad at her, she willingly listened to her and even returned her phone calls to find out the details of their affair. There were pictures,texts and voice messages that she had for evidence and the wife got them all. I have spoke with this other woman also, this guy was stupid enough to tell me her name and I found her phone number so I called. I told her I was a friend of the wife's so she spoke openly since I already knew about the details from him telling me. She told me everything they did and I heard his voice in every lie he told her. I was told the same things. She said his wife told her that  if she divorces him she can't "get" anyone else, no one would want her, she has sagging boobs and butt. She is insecure and so I think she will let it go again and he will do it again. I know this sounds so crazy, I promise you that I am a well educated woman, I just got swept up in the attention so I too am an insecure person. I want to tell his wife but not reveal my identity or speak to her just a message of some type. I destroyed all the photos and deleted messages and texts so I wouldn't be tempted for revenge on him after I broke it off so I don't have much physical proof but I do have years of family history that I would have no way of knowing had I not been involved  so I would think it would be believable.She will get tested I'm sure since the woman told her she has STD's. I guess my desire is to not let him get away with continuing to destroy women's lives, especially since I respected him enough not to reveal our affair and then as soon as I am out of the picture he is at it again. If my husband had a 10 year affair with a woman after we had marriage counseling and I thought he was staying away from the other woman I would want to know. It may help her reach a decision to leave easier. One more thing, I was diagnosed with HPV 4 years ago. After many surgical procedures to treat me praise God I am clear now. I couldn't get him to talk about it, or admit that he gave it to me and now he is doing it to other women. If I can stop him I want to,if I can prevent one woman from getting this then I will.  I don't care about what happens to me, I will never get over this,  just learning to live with it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013

Please see my reply to MusicLover 12, I don't think I explained myself well. Thanks for additional comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013

Please see my reply to MusicLover12, I don't think I explained myself well. Thanks for additional comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013

Please see my reply to MusicLover 12, I don't think I explained myself very well. I appreciate any additional comments. Thanks.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007

Hi there,

I agree...I wouldn't contact her at all.  I am sure she has been hurt enough and you will only be adding insult to injury.  If she is smart, after knowing her H cheated, she will get tested. 

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Your further explanation does nothing to change my advice.  Stay out of it.  His life will unfold as it should. He has lessons to learn and you will only interrupt the process. You can't go saving the world from him.  Move on.

Clarity 

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013

wClarity: You are absolutely right, I have decided to not contact her. I would serve no purpose by hurting her more. She has enough to deal with now and she has already told their 2 adult children and her side of the family so he is hurting (embarrassed) too since they have seen him do this before. They will not speak to him. I just wanted to help her be medically safe and to never trust him, he is a pathological narcissistic liar, but in her heart she knows it. I have no business telling her how her husband is, I'm just as guilty.I will step away from this now. Thank you for your replies.

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