Should I tell the wife of my affair with her husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013
Should I tell the wife of my affair with her husband?
22
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 12:33am

Anyone,

I just found this site tonight and I am searching for anyone that can advise me on what to do. I ended a 10 year affair with a married man in November of last year (11/1/12) and haven't  seen him in 10 months. I broke down this past June and called him because I wanted to apologize for my behavior, for sleeping with him for 10 years, and say I wanted to clear my conscience. He never left his wife and I divorced my husband after 30 years of marriage because I kept  thinking he would. During our affair he confessed that he had an affair once before me and his wife caught him. Of course he told her  this woman didn't mean anything, even though he slept with her more than once. She forgave him. He told me of this prior affair after I slept with him, I was thinking he was just like me, a first time adulterer. Unfortunately his wife caught him again, this time with a picture of me and my phone number was in his phone so she confronted him.  He lied to her and said he didn't love me, hadn't slept with me and would do anything to stay with her. Away to marriage counseling they go without him ever stopping his affair with me. We continued to see each other for 9 years.  I finally had enough after he brought his wife to the same place we always stayed at when he was in town for the weekend, not caring that I saw him.  I told him to leave me the hell alone and he did. Fast forward to me calling him to clear my consience in June, and we spoke a few times but he was very cool towards me. I asked him to come see me when he was in town, he lives in another state and travels a lot for his job. Before he said he would he called to say that he was having trouble at home, to which I said I didn't want to know about it just stop to see me. He finally had to call me and say his wife caught him again with another woman and he was in a lot of trouble. It turns out when I ended it in November he found a woman 20 years younger to carry on withwhile living in Florida for his job, and he told her he was divorced. Met her family and was dating her heavily. She called him when he was at home one weekend looking for him and his wife answered his phone. She found out the whole story and told his wife what he was doing with her. Now the woman that he was involved with has tested positive for STD's. He was picking up women and sleeping with them before he found her so she has diseases but not sure if he does. What a mess. I I just want advice on if I should call his wife and let her know that he was with me too, and it was 10 years not just a few weeks like she thinks. I am concerned that he is going to give her a serious ilness if she hasn't got it already, and she needs to know he is a pathological liar with a narcissistic personality. I am NOT seeking revenge, it will expose me and subject me to humiliation and ridicule, that I deserve by the way, but I want her to know.  He deserves to be caught before he hurts more people. His wife is too insecure to kick him out, and they are Catholic so maybe this would help her make the right decision. NO I don't want the sick man, just want to make a clean start for my sanity. My marriage was ruined by my stupidity and belief of every smooth talking lie that he told me. Thank you for any replies,  I know I was wrong and have asked for forgiveness from God many times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Why in the world would you call the OOW? You are way too involved in this MM life. Why didn't you tell the W during the 10 years you were sleeping with her H? I don't think your intentions are honorable. You say that his W has low self esteem. Maybe she believes in M and commitment and doesn't want to break up her family. I think you are the one with self esteem issues. His W made a vow to him to love honor and stay M to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Be honest with yourself and admit that all you want is REVENGE.  I was "his wife" and I knew all about my ex's affairs, and I was treated for a few STD's myself.  I didn't need any of his women calling me to tell me what I already knew.......that he was a sick, stupid liar!  And yes, just like the poor wife in this story, I thought that if I ended it, I'd be alone for the rest of my life, because I was overweight and all that went with it (which he loved to tell me constantly) until one day out of the blue, I just decided I deserved a whole lot more than I was getting from him, and so did our sons........so after 20 years, I divorced him........and that was the best thing I ever did for myself.  Don't blame the Catholic church.  There is no ban on divorce in the Catholic church.  The ban is on remarriage while the ex is still living.  Stay away from him, his wife, his sex partners and everyone connected to him in any way.  Work on yourself, learn to live with your own mistakes, and learn that you're better than he is, and you deserve better than him.  He's a lying, disease spreading, lowlife scumbag, and don't you think you deserve better?  One day his wife will realize she deserves better, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002

Amen, Fissadore!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013
Fissatore. Thank you. I feel like I had a cold glass of water thrown in my face. Yes, revenge is the answer, I think I just didn't want to admit it. You have been through a lot and sounds like you are a very insightful person. If you aren't a Therapist or Counselor of some type, you should be. I do deserve better and so does his wife. I'm sorry for both of us, me for being so gullible and insecure, but most of all for her. She has to live with his constant lying and cheating because she is not strong enough to leave. Maybe one day she will gather the strength like you did. I will be fine, I have a lot of soul-searching to do but I AM worth it. Everyone deserves a second chance.Thank you for your honest advice. God bless you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2013
Why_ask_why, thank you for your reply and yes, I am in this way over my head. It's none of my business. I chose to stay in this relationship with him because of his lies. I believed he was leaving her as he said and I NEVER wanted to hurt her or his family. I would never have called his wife and he knew it because my ex cheated on me and I knew how hurt she would be. How crazy this all sounds as I am writing, I don't know who I have become over the last 10 years. I am letting go and moving on and I am not calling his wife. God will decide where there marriage goes for them not me. I am truly ashamed of myself . Thank you again for your honesty. God bless.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 11:36pm

  The is no reason to be ashamed of yourself.  That does not do you any good.  Moving on requires dropping all the baggage.  It is a very good time to use for self growth.  This is a time to know yourself.   Onward to the rest of your life.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2013

a couple of things come to mind. 

first off, i read many of the replies...and keep in mind, these are only opinions from others...and none of these 'others' walk or will ever walk in your shoes. they are not all words of wisdom or scripture, only opinions. 

if it were me, i would most likely tell her. especially if you feel it would do you some good. whether it's revenge, guilt, scorn...whatever, who cares the motive, only the outcome...the outcome for you and you only. that might sound selfish and self-centered, but seriously, you need to take care of you. you don't know this woman and for as much as she might hate you, how many years have you spent hating her...if for any reason, because she is with him. 

another possibility, give her the option. what i mean by that is...ask her...."if your husband were cheating on you, would you want to know about it?"...then go from there. i wouldn't get into nasty details that would be TMI (and intentionally hurtful) but i would give her enough to leave no room for doubt. 

if it helps you (and you don't need to defend your motives to anyone) ...again i say, if it helps you for whatever reason, tell her. and what may i ask is wrong with revenge? why should you be the one left standing, holding the bag, hurting? with that being said, and after a little more reflection, YES, i would def spill my guts. my opinion is, it will help you move on and give you closure...no loose ends. 

best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2014

newgal.... i googled the exact predicament you were in.  I had a very similar circumstance of 5 years not 10 and yes i left my husband. Mind you the marriage was dissolving due to his alcoholic bi-polar issues anyway, but meeting this guy gave me the push. He did leave as well, but could never break off completely. She was a sweet woman with no harm besides frumpy, home body and not sensual. A great mother and wife in most ways.  I got sucked into his charm and believed a lot of lies as we all do. I now say " I chose to believe him: for deep down we are smart enough to know what a married man will say for new fire. I googled this question to seek help.  I have to say that yes I want the man stopped. he wasted 5 years of my life. and now he is out doing the same heart game with other women. The wife turns an eye to it for lack of definite proof.  I do want to save other women from him.  another sight said that if someone is revealed and all know and watching he is less likely to strike again. Just like a burglar isnt going to steal if the camera is on.  So yes i want the man stopped, but unlike you to be honest i want revenge. What dignity do i have left? he brought me and my children into him with promises of marriage , protection, and providing... to be the Shepherd of our heart when he already was the Shepherd of someone elses (wife) he never really ended it but allowed my family to think he did. Then went back when the pressure was on... he also went to couseling and saw me the whole time.... I shamefully am honest enough to say i want to hurt him back. I know better. I know "revenge is mine sayeth the Lord" but man after all the hurt , i want him to reap what he has sown.  If he had mended with wife and was making an effort I would say all wasnt in vain. That he restored his marriage. But no he just wants the respect of his family that he is the good husband and still needs things on the side.  Ironically i was tempted today to also delete all emails and through out all of his pj's and such I have to rid myself of temptation to go to her.  But haven't yet.  Was curious to know if you left it all alone..... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2014

I have been on both sides. As the wife, I would have wanted the OW to come forward. A person can lie to you a thousand times and you might know it in your heart to be lies; without proof, you can't justify moving on or beaking up your family or marriage.

It's easier to excuse a fling or something that is portrayed as meaningless (Trust me, I know, been there), but an affair that long? 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2013

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