Should we cross the line again
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| Thu, 05-13-2004 - 8:38am |
My 5 month affair ended 3 months ago. We still see each other at work. He said he wanted to remain friends after the affair because he felt like he could talk to me about anything.
At first it was very difficult for the both of us to go back to the way things were before the affair. There was always the looks that he would give me , he gets a certain look in his eyes when he looks at me.
We have talked a few times about how hard it is for the both of us, how he still wants me,etc.
One other person at work knows about the affair. He picked up on it early on. He talks to me about it alot and thinks that me and XMM still want to be with each other. He thinks that XMM is waiting on me to let him know how I feel and that I want to start the affair up again, he said he can tell just by being around the both of us.He says we both need to be honest with one another.
The truth is that I do want to start the affair up again. I miss the intimacy that we shared, all the phone calls, everything about it. Once you have been so intimate with someone, it is really hard to go on, especially when you still work with that person.
I guess what I need advice on is this... What if he is waiting on me to make the first move this time and I never do, I am being stubborn waiting on him to do the same. I don't want to miss the opportunity if it is there. But on the same hand, I would be totally humiliated if he told me that he didn't want to start the affair again. It seems like it would be even harder to be around him after he rejected me. I guess that is the way guys have always felt when they get rejected by women.
Also, the other cop that knows about our affair told me that he believes (not just in my case, but affairs in general) that there is a 99.8% chance that after every thing calms down, and we feel like we got away with our affair without being caught by our spouses, the affair will start again. What does everyone think about that?

Honestly? Only YOU can decide what it is you should do....listen to your inner voice--NOT that voice that fuels desire, but the quiet little one. There are many of us that have done the back and forth many many times over. It gets harder EVERY time you end it and get further sucked into this whole addictive process. Is that where you want to go? Where is the ending of this? Do you see you both leaving your marriages for each other? Or is it simply for the sex?
An affair will be comprised of sneaking around, lying, scamming, loneliness, despair, guilt, anger, jealousy, dishonesty---did I just describe you? If not, is that how you want to feel in a relationship? Is THAT a loving relationship???
The best course of action would be to find WHY you are so attracted to exMM and then addressing those issues. Tempted, we ALL struggle with the same thing. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to work with exMM....that would drive me insane. I guess I'm somewhat fortunate that all contact has been eliminated...BUT if he ever emailed me I would find myself struggling too.
This other cop, the one who is telling you to be "honest with each other"....STAY AWAY FROM HIM!! He's a pot-stirrer and looking to cause trouble. Don't listen to him and try not to engage him in these conversations...it serves no purpose. WHY would someone encourage this????? I would question HIS motivation....sometimes people like to watch others self destruct.
just some rambling thoughts....big hugs...this is hard.
dharma
ps...what the other cop said about being not being caught and starting up again...typical cop talk---remember the element of society that the deal with---criminals who generally DO NOT stop their behavior unless caught (and then even NOT then). If you want it to stop, you will. My exMM and I were NEVER caught in the 2.5 years...not even close.