Should we still be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Should we still be friends?
6
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:12pm
I didn’t know there was this kind of support on the Internet for someone having an affair. There’s a bunch of support out there for the person who had been cheated on. But I never found support for the person who did the cheating. I mean yes, it’s devastating for the one who has been cheated on, but it’s also hard for the person who did the cheating and is trying to move on. Like myself. Thank you for this site.

Here’s my story. I’ll try to keep it in a nutshell, although I know I tend to write too much. I have been married for 6½ years as of this summer. About 3 years ago, I started an A with my co-worker. We were working at a small start-up company, so there weren’t many people around. Just management who worked upstairs and the two of us working downstairs. So it was easy for us to fire up this hot A of ours. The OM was single and was not seeing anyone. For a whole year before the company hired anyone else, we worked together for long hours and even during the weekends. We both had a ton of work and were at work 95% of the time we were together. We were both attracted to one another.

I was happily married at the time, and thought I could never fall in-love with anyone else. My H was my first love and the world to me. Until I met the OM, I never thought I could love anyone else. This was the first time someone other than my H was attracted to me and it felt great. In the beginning I just wanted to have a small office fling. So did my OM. We never thought it would lead to actual LOVE.

As the months rolled by, my OM and I fell in-love. He wanted me to leave my H and marry him. I was going crazy because I loved both my OM and my H. I was in-love with my OM, but I still deeply care for my H. I couldn’t leave my H and the foundation which we had.

This A of mine went on for a year and a half without my H knowing. My H would get upset at me when I came home from work late, and my OM would get upset at me for going home to my H. This whole messing was driving me crazy and hurting both of them, but I couldn’t let my either of the man go. I was so lost. When I was with my H, I wanted to be with him only. When I went to work and was with my OM, I wanted to be with him only. Loving two people was taking it’s toll.

Finally at the beginning of last year, after my OM putting tons of pressure on me to leave my H and marry him. I finally decided to leave my H. One night I told my H that I fell in-love with another man, my co-worker. My H was devastated. I also told my H that I never slept with the OM, which was a lie. For some strange reason my H believed me. I told him that yes, my OM and I had kissed and stuff, but never did the deed. For this reason my H still wanted me to be with him, because he still loved me.

My H and my OM both gave me time to choose who I wanted to be with. In the end, although I chose to stay with my H, it has been hard for me to move on. For the past year, my H and I have put this behind us. At times, my H is still very hurt and despises me. But all in all, he still loves me very much, so long as my OM and I never slept together.

Since last year the OM and I are no longer working for the same company, which was good because that way we don’t see each other everyday. A few months after I choose to stay with my H, my OM and I still met once or twice a week. But later, we only chatted online, talked on the phone and email.

The OM told me that although I can’t be his, at least we can still be friends. Of course being friends with him means not letting my H know we are friends.

It’s been many months now and my OM told me that after all the pain I’ve put him through, he’s over me. He says that he still loves me more than a friend, but just that he is not in-love with me anymore. Sometimes I feel I cannot be friends with him because I still love him and long to be with him. It would hurt me to see him with someone else. Most of the time I am ok and feel I can be friends with him. Sometimes I just want to call him and meet him. Not for anything in particular, but just to hear his voice and see him for I still do care about him.

Nowadays, my OM and I still talk on the phone about once a week. We chat online about 2 to 3 times a week. Of course we both keep our conversations simple. I haven’t seen my OM for awhile now and fear that if I do see him again, I will be too weak to move on.

My question is: Should I still be friends with the OM? Who out there are still friends with their OM? What are your stories? Please share.

Also, my H still loves me and wants to be with me because my OM and I never slept together. I feel bad that I lied to my H and I don’t know what to do about this. I’m afraid that if I tell him, he’ll leave me for sure. What are you opinions?






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:37pm
If you go back through the old threads on this board, you'll see this subject rehashed quite a bit. Most of us have tried the friendship thing at some point, and the overwhelming majority of people conclude that a friendship with the XOM does not work. There are very, very few exceptions. Given that your H cannot know about the friendship, and given that you still have inappropriate feelings for XOM, I would not expect you to be one of those exceptions; in fact, I think it would be a big mistake for you to try.

You have made your decision to stay with your H. It is time to prove that you mean it by not continuing to carry on a secret relationship behind his back, and not putting yourself in temptation's way by continuing to communicate with XOM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 8:55pm
GiGi,

I also work with my XMM and truly hoped we could still do the just friends thing, but it isn't going to work. Although we agreed at the beginning of the A that we would respect one another's wishes if and when it ended and that our friendship was the most important thing to us, it just isn't that way in reality.

If you have made the decision to remain with your H then I think you should give it your all and completely letting go of Xom will have to be part of that all. I was lucky that my H never knew about XMM and I am also lucky because XMM is leaving my office for another job as of next Friday. I do not plan to maintain contact with him after he leaves. It makes me very sad because we have worked together for many years and had a very close attachment, but it is a chapter that has to close. I want to get on with my life and continuing that emotional rollacoaster due to the A. is not what is best for me. I think as long as you have XOM in your life in any form or fashion, you cannot really move on and make your marriage heal and your life peaceful. Our marriages should we chose to remain in them deserve our best efforts and these so called friendships if continued, will not allow us to give our best to our H's or to ourselves either. It is sad, but I do believe it is true.

My A lasted 3 years and has been ended, my decision, for over two months and I am happier and more at peace than I have been in a very long time.

As for telling H about sleeping with XOM, my personal oppinion would be to not tell him. Others may disagree, but I don't see what purpose it would serve to open the wound back up and make it deeper at this point.

Good luck to you.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:30pm
Gigi -

First let me say that I agree with you about being thankful for this site. It's hard when you don't have anyone to talk too...

I completely understand what you are going through (see my situation titled "Married woman having an affair"). I was only in my affair for a few months, but we worked right down the street from each other. We both worked in offices where we didn't have to report to anyone, so we would have lunch together daily, we would meet for coffee daily, talk on the phone & email each other constantly, etc. It was crazy.

I too, like you, was very happy in my marriege. My husband is a great guy, and I couldn't believe that I had somehow fallen in love with another man. My OT, too, told me he loved me and wanted to marry me - only he ended up breaking up with me, partially because he thought I would never leave my H. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if he had asked me to leave him. He kept telling me that he didn't want me to leave my H for him - he only wanted me to do it if I really wanted too. My H gives me a really good life (financially) and my OT said he could never give me that life and if I left my H, he was afraid that I would resent him for taking me away from that.

Again, like you my H found out - sort of. My OT called my cell phone late one night when he thought I was out with my friends. My phone was on vibrate on the kitchen counter and my H heard it and looked at the caller ID. Then when my voicemail went off, I heard the beep. I checked the message and my H asked who called and I lied. Then a few weeks later I drank too much at a party and said something about other men wanting me. Later that night, my H checked my email and read an email from my OT. He was devestated. I too, lied. I told him that there was nothing going on between us and that my OT had been a friend and developed deeper feelings for me. I said I told him that I would never have those feelings for him and that we could no longer be friends. My H too believed me - and I still feel guilty about that.

As far as being friends goes...OT and I are trying (secretly, of course). I don't know if it can work or not. I feel guilty being friends with OT because of my H. And I can't deny the fact that I still want more than a friendship with OT even though he says that's all he wants. I still feel that connection with him. We hooked up last Friday night and OT wanted to sleep with me. He said it would just be sex - I couldn't do it...as much as I wanted too. I knew the next day I would feel even worse. I guess it's too early to tell what lies ahead. Just know that in your case - you made a decision. A decision to stay with your H - don't let your friendship with OT mess that up.

Good luck to you - I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Actressdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:48pm
If you have to keep it secret it is not a friendship it is an affair.

If you cannot say or do the things you say or do with this other person in front of your spouse then it is a affair.

Once you cross that line into an affair crossing back is next to impossible, together you have betrayed your spouse, this person is your spouses worst enemy how can your spouses worst enemy be your friend.

There is only on reasonable course of action and that is TOTAL NO CONTACT with the XAP, any other road leads to the divorce court.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:10am
my opinion is NO WAY! You are playing with fire. You think you can control this thing? Give me a break. You are still engaged in an emotional affair. You are still lying to your H, who stuck by you even though you did something that was really damaging to your marriage.

You said it yourself

"I haven’t seen my OM for awhile now and fear that if I do see him again, I will be too weak to move on."

Do yourself a huge favor and find out what YOUR life could really be. Dump this so-called destructive friendship (real friends don't ask you to do something that requires you to lie to your family & friends, didn't your mother ever tell you that?) and find out what it means to live IN your life, instead of finding ways to distract yourself from it. Give it a chance. You might be surprised.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:17am
gigi

being friends with your exom will not work for now. like you, when i see him again it takes me back to square one. i want him again. i will still have to see him socially and you will have to seee him at work but the friends thing will happen someday but not right now. nc is the only way out.

gigi, if your h has given you a chance take it. dont ruin what you have which is real. if you have kids like i do, think of them. thats what i am doing. i dont have any sexual feeling for my dh right now, but i think once i get through this horrible nightmare i am going through i will be able to fall in love with him again.

the affair thing is very strong. it is like a drug and the withdrawl is very painful.

we need to come here and vent instead of turning to om again.

hope this helps thanks for listening