The sickest thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
The sickest thing
12
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:27am
This is a hard post for me, but one i feel i must do. I have come to the realization over the last few days that my A has been over for a long time--but i have been trying to hang on to it, hoping it would start up again. Me and XMM seem to want to stay in each other's lives, but not in the way we were. I finally get that. He's not going there with me anymore, if you know what i mean. He hasn't dropped hints or clues that he wants to; he hasn't said anything intimate to me since February, when he last told me he loved me. We are buddies now and it's time for me to quit wanting and waiting for him to say he wants to start this up again. IT'S OVER and i am just getting it!

The sickest thing of all, something i realized yesterday, was that i have been willing to stay in my stale M as long as the possibility of XMM was out there. Don't ask me why: i guess i believed that if i stayed in my M i could always have my feelings for XMM to think about and fuel me; if i left H, then certainly i would start dating and hopefully fall in love and then XMM would be gone forever.

Well, without XMM, i don't think i can stay in this marriage, because i will certainly fall into another A again, i am sure, now that i remember what it feels like (thanks XMM) to be desired and loved and wanted and needed. So, maybe i should just let this marriage go to and start over.

I wish i didn't need a man, but the truth is, i haven't felt loved in more than a decade, so honestly, i am looking foward to loving again, but the next time with someone who is available and not so mixed up.

This is my process today. As many of you know, i have given myself and our therapist until June to make a decision about what to do with my life. If it were June 1st today, i would leave. I really would.

I am getting there; i get it. The A is over. The marriage--which brought on the A to begin with (both for me and my H) is nearly over. This whole thing has been a long and painful process for me, but i think i am getting there.

I cannot tell you how scared i am to think about divorce. Everything in my world will change. I will get used to it, i am sure, but my world as i know it will change dramatically. And for my children? well there entire life--everything they've ever known--will change too. Honestly, that is all too much for me to think about today. But i am getting there.

Clarice

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:34pm


Thanks for sharing your story Clarice. I am not nearly in the situation as you are however over the past five months I did seriously consider leaving my husband. I guess deep down I knew that I could not ever go through with it because my relationship wasn't nearly as bad as I made it out to be. In my situation, it was I who was the problem and I'm working on that now. But one thing that people kept saying to me as I went on and on about how I would surely shrivel up and die if the divorce did take place was the fact that "you are not the first to go through one." Hehehe I'm not poking fun at you in any way but for some reason when those words were said to me it was like a lightbulb going off. Hmmm I would not be the first, matter of fact very far from it.

Wishing you well either way.

Elf

(sitting quietly by cuz nobody responds to my posts) LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:02pm
Elf! I'll reply! I have gone through a very long process of what divorce might feel like for me. I have honestly worked thru each step: that i would have to give up my house; go back to work full time (i am a writer and work from home currently); I've even worked thru what this might be like for my two boys. Each step tooks weeks, if not months, to work thru. Then, a few weeks ago, i suddenly wondered if I woudl be OK not seeing my children everyday. I am stuck on that one now. I told my husband a few weeks ago that i did want a divorce and that i wanted full custody. Since then, the conversation has gone no where, honestly, because i haven't brought it up.

I don't think i mind the stigma of divorce, if there is even such a thing nowadays--and i certainly know my H and I would pull it together to not have such an impact on our children. I just want to be married and happy, you know, but i guess, what i am trying to say, is i wish it could be with someone else!

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:26pm
Clarice, you just captured what I've been feeling for the past little while. I am clinging to memories -- to how nice it felt to have someone calling all the time, thinking about me all the time, wanting to see me. But it has been MONTHS since it's been like that with xMM -- exactly nine months since he was really treating me the way I deserve to be treated, and this emotional A has only been going on for eleven months!!! And I can't blame him, either. An EMA is WRONG, no matter how much the people on the MA board act like it's right. My xMM treated me "badly" in their eyes because he realized that he couldn't do this. He knew where it was heading and he put a stop to it before it was too late.

Clarice, you deserve to be loved. You deserve a man who will treat you the way you want to be treated. If you truly know that your marriage is not going to work, then by all means seek a separation and take some time to figure out what you want from life. But be sure you're doing this for the right reason. Marriage isn't about text-messaging and lovey-dovey phone calls and that first-falling-in-love feeling. But you should be appreciated and romanced at least occasionally and you should meet your husband every night feeling as though with him lies your home, your comfort zone. If you're dreading going home every night, something has to change. Luckily for me my husband is my home. He is the man I will grow old with, the man who loves me more than anyone ever can or will. I briefly got caught up in the thrill of falling in love again and I guess I will always appreciate xMM for giving me that. But out of it I realized that I have everything I ever need in H. The grass is not any greener on the other side of that fence...it just looks that way from this angle.

Maybe these things enter our lives for a reason. Maybe, like a movie, we're meant to grow from these experiences and learn something about ourselves. Maybe it's not about living happily ever after with these OM, but in finding out who we are and what we want from our lives...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 6:47pm
Lilah: you A sounds a lot like mine. My XMM was reluctant from the 2nd day after it started. Sadly, i never felt guilty because i just want out of this marriage so badly. But XMM was always torn up over it and i spent a good deal of the A helping him sort thru his feelings about his W and me. I know way more about his relationship with his W than i ever should have. I became his confidant; while all the while, it was hurting and killing me that we couldn't be together.

The only difference, in our stories, is that my home is not where my H is. We rarely talk (he sits with his back to me at breakfast every morning). He begrudingly goes along with anything and all i want to do (he has a lot of displaced aggression).

I don't know. I just don't know. I am tired of all this. I have managed to work myself up into a frenzy today over XMM and H and H's OW.

Do you and XMM stay in contact. I have really started to believe and see that is the main reason i am having such a hard time getting over it. And like i said, i do miss the constant phone calls, the connection, the talks we had--he told me he would think about making love to me every 10 minutes of every day. But it was more than that; we were friends. we are a lot alike. We do and love and have passion for all the same things--we would talk endlessly about the day's events in the newspaper. Oh, on and on and on. I have a H that doesn't talk to me about anythign at all.

I am just complaining now. I just hurt today.

Clarice



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:21am
clarice~

Although our marriages are vastly different, there are some commonalities in our thought processes. I, too, thought if I could continue with exMM that I could somehow "survive" the marriage and stick it out for the kids. All I learned through the A and the ending of it (which was more of MY desire to make it more then what it really was) taught me that my h really does not respect me as a person, as a woman, and as a individual. ExMM taught me so much, about how some men truly do respect and honor women....and not all of them are controlling and manipulative. But I know that once I leave my marriage...I'm taking a break from relationships for a LONG time. And I suggest that to anyone who leaves a marriage....take time out to learn how to love yourself again. The more you love yourself, the more you attract that which you seek.

Like you, I was afraid of divorce...and afraid of upheaving my children's lives...but I know if I continue here, it will only get worse...for me..and it will give the wrong messages to my dd's.

Your post was FAR from sick...it was an honest look at yourself and your situation. Congratulate yourself on that....many people refuse to look at themselves in such a critical manner so to produce positive change.

just my thoughts....big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:52am
Me and xMM work together but we're not in the same area. The bathroom is right next to where I am, though, and we travel the same hallways and sometimes I do have to go to him for work-related things. Plus my head guy's office is very near his so I'm over in his area quite a bit. When I'm over there sometimes I'll stop in and say hi because I did that BEFORE all this started.

Honestly, I think NC is easier but it's impossible when you work together. With NC you can get stronger with every passing day but if you have to see them, you yearn for what you can never have. You feel that attraction again and know you'll never be able to do anything about it.

I think you need some time to yourself, to figure out what you want to do. I DO think the MM we were involved with were very honorable and that's a good thing. I think some men who are in unhappy marriages can enter into an EMA a little easier but there are some men out there who are just creeps and that is NOT what I'd want to be involved with. They may not have all the issues our men have, but they would use us and spit us out. If I was going to have a near-EMA, I'd want it to be the way we had it. With men who were really aware of what they were doing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:34pm
Wow Clarice. Your situation is so similiar to mine its almost scarry - from the fact that you have two boys and in a unhappy marriage, to the timeline of your affair - I think you mentioned the first two months were great but its been going on for nearly nine months.

In the beginning, my XMM persued me. He told me within a matter of weeks that he was in love with me, that he had never felt as strongly about anyone as he did me and he mentioned on several occassions that he was ready to leave his wife - didn't even know if he could wait it out throught the holidays until first of the year. We both said that leaving our spouses was a decision that needed to made outside the affair - which is absolutely impossible to do. I was blown away by his attention, affection and compliments. He made it a point to see me at least twice a week - even living an hour or two away in a different town. Suddenly after about two months, I think he realized the seriousness of the situation - that he would be leaving his kids and the complications that come with that. His wife asked him if he was having an affair and of course he denied it - I would too considering all that you stand to loose if adultery is in the divorce picture. He did tell her he didn't love her anymore and that he was only staying for the kids. He did admit to me somewhat recently that she has really been trying hard to keep things together. So, I think that has made the situation at home much more bearable for him.

When we first started the affair I knew I was not happy in my marriage, we were having major issues prior to that and it had been months since I had slept with my husband. So, I think this is why I allowed the A to happen. I know it was wrong but like you I almost felt like it could keep my marriage together - as crazy as that sounds! I was filling the void in my marriage elsewhere which made being at home with H bearable. Now that I know the affair is over, I am considering even more seriously, leaving my husband. I think the affair reminded me that there is so much more in a healthy relationship than just going through the motions of raising kids and maintaining a household together.

Also, I think as you mentioned your xMM did, mine overnight seemed to change his behavior.

XMM never would call things completely off - I believe because he truly did love me and wanted to be with me. However, I think once he realized that leaving the marriage wouldn't be easy, and life at home became somewhat better, and that the affair in general became complicated, too emotional, painful and just outright exasperating at times, he decided to pull way back. We went from talking on the phone three and four times a day to once a day, to seeing each other several times a week to once a week and most recently (before calling it off) to maybe every two to three weeks. We would still be seeing each other now (albeit not very frequently - but still "technically")if I had not broken things off a few weeks ago after an argument. I haven't spoken to him in over two weeks. And, I can say that NC makes it much easier!

Also, I still can't bring myself to sleep with my husband. Honestly, that started before the affair - loosing any kind of sexual attraction for him. Do you sometimes wonder, how did my life get so complicated! I am a reasonably level-headed, responsible, and intelligent person. Others that do not know any of my situation think I have it so together - great job, kids, family, house etc. Wow, appearances can be misleading huh?

Please keep us posted on your siutation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:46pm
There are definitely worse things than divorce...and for one me it was much worse going home to a house with so much tension. Even after being single now for 8 years, I remember the feeling of peace of walking into my own apartment after my xH and I separated. It was a wonderful feeling to go to a place where I wasn't mad at anyone and no one was mad at me.

I got a job offer in another state just a few months after my ex and I separated. My daughter and I lived about 300 miles away from him. For the first 2 years of the divorce, my daughter and I would get in the car and drive 2.5 hours the first Friday of every month and meet my ex halfway between our houses. She would stay with him for the next 9 days and then we'd switch back. It was NOT the best situation but it was a compromise that worked for us. However, at first I cried most of the time my daughter was gone because I had never been away from her that long. Soon, however, I started enjoying the time and I would try to cram as much social life into that break as I could. She's with her dad now for a week and I'm really enjoying the break and so is she. I miss her, but what I'm saying that we've adjusted and my daughter is an incredibly smart, well-adjusted, young woman. There's no doubt that it would have been better for her to grow up with two loving parents living in the same house but that wasn't a possibility. My ex and I have always been friends and have been able to work out sharing custody with few problems. I know he wishes he could see her more often but it's difficult with the distance between us but we work it out as often as possible.

As for me, I cannot imagine how my life could really be better. I enjoy being single (except for finding a date for work Christmas parties). I would love to be in a loving supportive relationship, but HONESTLY don't usually feel the need for a man in my life. One could argue that I had the affair because I wanted a man around, but in all honesty one of the best things about xMM is that he was "safe" because he was married. There's no question that, as I fell in love with him, I wanted a relationship with him. But I wanted "him" not the "relationship" per se.

One of the best things about being single is that no one gets angry at me if I go skiing or mountain biking instead of cleaning the house or doing laundry. (I really don't mean that as a joke.)

Hope this makes sense....


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:23pm
yes. my XMM is a good guy. He's everybody's favorite guy in our area. Dearly loved by many. I do know he is mixed up, confused and conflicted and wants more out of his own marriage--but he is deeply committed to that marriage and that's ok.

It is hard to do NC when they are still part of our lives. It seems to be all about expectations. As long as i have none, i don't get hurt and i don't want more. I am grateful, often, for what we had even though, you know, it still hurts.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:27pm
thanks dharmagurl. I really appreciate your post and it feels good to know that some of my thoughts are had by others in similar situations. I stopped posting here in Septebmer or so, as that was my plan: to hang on to XMM and M--and just go happily along in this complicated state.

Thanks for being there and for understanding.

Clarice

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