The sickest thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
The sickest thing
12
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:27am
This is a hard post for me, but one i feel i must do. I have come to the realization over the last few days that my A has been over for a long time--but i have been trying to hang on to it, hoping it would start up again. Me and XMM seem to want to stay in each other's lives, but not in the way we were. I finally get that. He's not going there with me anymore, if you know what i mean. He hasn't dropped hints or clues that he wants to; he hasn't said anything intimate to me since February, when he last told me he loved me. We are buddies now and it's time for me to quit wanting and waiting for him to say he wants to start this up again. IT'S OVER and i am just getting it!

The sickest thing of all, something i realized yesterday, was that i have been willing to stay in my stale M as long as the possibility of XMM was out there. Don't ask me why: i guess i believed that if i stayed in my M i could always have my feelings for XMM to think about and fuel me; if i left H, then certainly i would start dating and hopefully fall in love and then XMM would be gone forever.

Well, without XMM, i don't think i can stay in this marriage, because i will certainly fall into another A again, i am sure, now that i remember what it feels like (thanks XMM) to be desired and loved and wanted and needed. So, maybe i should just let this marriage go to and start over.

I wish i didn't need a man, but the truth is, i haven't felt loved in more than a decade, so honestly, i am looking foward to loving again, but the next time with someone who is available and not so mixed up.

This is my process today. As many of you know, i have given myself and our therapist until June to make a decision about what to do with my life. If it were June 1st today, i would leave. I really would.

I am getting there; i get it. The A is over. The marriage--which brought on the A to begin with (both for me and my H) is nearly over. This whole thing has been a long and painful process for me, but i think i am getting there.

I cannot tell you how scared i am to think about divorce. Everything in my world will change. I will get used to it, i am sure, but my world as i know it will change dramatically. And for my children? well there entire life--everything they've ever known--will change too. Honestly, that is all too much for me to think about today. But i am getting there.

Clarice

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:38pm
yes. rachel. our situations sound similar. my H and i have never had a healthy sex life at all--not even when we were dating. when i was reading your post, it was as if i could have written it. my XMM pursued me relentlessly (i was not at all interested at first); he made up reasons to come to my house. he called me all the time, emailed me like it was instant messaging (sometimes we spent the entire day togehter just emailing). He told me he loved me very early in the game. He had never been thru something like this before. He then became very conflicted.

Anyway, he was also unhappy in his M--his W is closed, quiet, cut off, authoratiative and they don't have a lot of similar interests. He and I, on the other hand, are like twins. we like all the same things and think similiarly about all sorts of ideas and issues.

I do think the EMA helped him get things togehter with his W. I suspect that she and her family (whom i know) think something has gone on between us.

We remain tyring to be in each other's lives--i am not sure how much longer that will last, because i have found, it is making it IMPOSSIBLE to let it go. He still calls me whenever he needs advice or support (though he rarely wants to talk about my situation, as i think it scares him to death--he once told me he really feared our relationship woudl cause a divorce between me and my H).

Thank you for being there. How can i support you?

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 10:42am
Thank you Clarice for this post and for all who responded to it. This has been a very difficult week for me and I have been feeling so alone and lost when it comes to sorting out my feelings in my marriage and my fear of failing and divorce. It helps so much to know that there are other's out there who are thinking things so similiar. I can't thank you enough for sharing!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

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