The sickest thing
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| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:27am |
The sickest thing of all, something i realized yesterday, was that i have been willing to stay in my stale M as long as the possibility of XMM was out there. Don't ask me why: i guess i believed that if i stayed in my M i could always have my feelings for XMM to think about and fuel me; if i left H, then certainly i would start dating and hopefully fall in love and then XMM would be gone forever.
Well, without XMM, i don't think i can stay in this marriage, because i will certainly fall into another A again, i am sure, now that i remember what it feels like (thanks XMM) to be desired and loved and wanted and needed. So, maybe i should just let this marriage go to and start over.
I wish i didn't need a man, but the truth is, i haven't felt loved in more than a decade, so honestly, i am looking foward to loving again, but the next time with someone who is available and not so mixed up.
This is my process today. As many of you know, i have given myself and our therapist until June to make a decision about what to do with my life. If it were June 1st today, i would leave. I really would.
I am getting there; i get it. The A is over. The marriage--which brought on the A to begin with (both for me and my H) is nearly over. This whole thing has been a long and painful process for me, but i think i am getting there.
I cannot tell you how scared i am to think about divorce. Everything in my world will change. I will get used to it, i am sure, but my world as i know it will change dramatically. And for my children? well there entire life--everything they've ever known--will change too. Honestly, that is all too much for me to think about today. But i am getting there.
Clarice

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Anyway, he was also unhappy in his M--his W is closed, quiet, cut off, authoratiative and they don't have a lot of similar interests. He and I, on the other hand, are like twins. we like all the same things and think similiarly about all sorts of ideas and issues.
I do think the EMA helped him get things togehter with his W. I suspect that she and her family (whom i know) think something has gone on between us.
We remain tyring to be in each other's lives--i am not sure how much longer that will last, because i have found, it is making it IMPOSSIBLE to let it go. He still calls me whenever he needs advice or support (though he rarely wants to talk about my situation, as i think it scares him to death--he once told me he really feared our relationship woudl cause a divorce between me and my H).
Thank you for being there. How can i support you?
Clarice
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige
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