Silence, fishing, and NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Silence, fishing, and NC
9
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 11:52am
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 12:18pm

Basically, NC is a way of killing the A for good. It's a fool-proof form of self protection -- and, believe me, we're all fools in need of protection when coming off an A. NC=no new hurts - this is 100%. It doesn't mean that NC, in itself, does not hurt... especially in the beginning -- but the alternative, C, is worse! Continued contact keeps the sh*t soup stirred up.

What NC feels like to him? It depends on the him, I guess. Now, this is a reeeeeal hard fact to accept for a newbie, but it really, really does NOT matter how he feels or deals with NC. He is responsible for taking care of his own side of the street all by himself - like a big boy. And, you too. It's only your job to watch out for YOU, not him. NC is not intended to vex X, nor is it a tool for retribution or spite; it's just what is _required_ for you to heal (and if he heals too, yea, but that is not your concern.)

Regarding fishing: yes, they are all attempts to engage you. All of them. Even if his intention is seemingly altruistic, EVS -- still, he's attempting to reengage. Have you read one, single post here about the X making a fishing attempt that left the poster feeling warm and fuzzy? No. Newbies might _think_ they want some sign from the X, but when they get it, they regret what they wished for. 100% of the time. Even if the poster gets an initial jolt of satisfaction, "oh, he still wants me... thinks of me...", the next wave of emotion is sickening confusion, or anger, or regret.

Trust the Vets: there is no way to remain "friends" and NC is the only, only, only way to go.

xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 12:28pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 12:58pm

Alice~


<<>


Precisely!


***************************


Dee~


Excellent post. I just wasn't in the mood today to rehash what has been said on here over and over again, but you did a bang up job of explaining it.


Thank you,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 1:05pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 1:08pm

Alice,


Though not a vet by any stretch of the imagination, I feel I can honestly address one of your questions regarding what NC means for him. Dee was right when she said it depends on the AP and I can only relate how my xap handled. How do I know? Because in one of the many times we re-engaged in the A he admitted to me what it was like for him, the NC thing. He poured out his soul, so to speak.


Now I take what he

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2008
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 1:20pm

Hey Alice,


Unfortunately we are not made like men we can't think like them and we can't begin to understand how they think.


My XMM once told me ~ that when thoughts of me came into his mind he pushed them aside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 1:34pm

The ladies here are so wise... and one day, Alice, you are going to be one of the vets here guiding the newbies to the light of reality.


I didn't answer your question about what NC says yesterday in our email conversation and I apologize. I didn't think it was a real question- more of a hypothetical, but I totally get it. NC says you are done- plain and simple. There's nothing else to say, it's just done- and nothing says it louder than never communicating with him again. It prevents you from appearing like a crazy/looney/emotional/stalker. It prevents you from digging a depper hole from which you will try to crawl out of. It prevents you from being vulnerable. It allows you and xap to heal. It's sad to think of forever without him, but it stings a little less each day.... I promise.


At the beginning of NC, I didn't think I'd make it. I just kept coming here and digesting everything the vets said. I trusted that since they've been through it and were okay now, that I would be too if I followed their advice. And guess what? At day 105 NC I can say that I am okay. I mean really ok. Yes, thoughts creep in of him on a daily basis. But the minute by minute struggle to cope is gone. He is not the first thing on my mind in the morning, nor the last thing on my mind at night. I rarely wonder how he feels about all of this- I truly accept that it doesn't matter. And I got here by going NC completely. It helped me heal dramatically. The cycle was cut off- no new hurts to deal with- and I am moving on. And I know you will too.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 05-13-2010 - 3:25pm

Please hear what Dee, Jane and others are trying to get you to hear.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 2:36pm

I’ve been lurking around here a lot today, looking for some good helpful posts that will help me remain strong and this post immediately caught my eye and I have liked what I’ve read on here!