A simple mistake? Does it count?
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A simple mistake? Does it count?
| Sat, 08-21-2010 - 9:31am |
In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare give up, and remember…………that you are a being of immense power and breathtaking beauty created in the image of God.

Hi Rather,
I know you have been 'here' long enough to handle some tough love coming your way -- I have been a little shy in dosing it out lately, but I am trusting (and hoping) you can manage this. It is coming from a place of concern and care.
Here goes:
You know the answer to your own question. It wasn't a simple mistake: nothing could be further from the truth. You know that because you are feeling the after effects of the withdrawl. It sucks, and it exists to remind you of the painful hole which you have barely climbed out of.
"Eighteen weeks, one day and five hours into NO CONTACT with her and the phone rings."
You made it so freaking far out - let this be a reminder to us all, that time alone can't do the work of setting us free from the addiction. I know you have been working hard Rather at putting this affair behind you. Why oh why didn't you hang-up. Say it was a wrong number. Say anything, but remove yourself from harm's way. Your drug of choice came a calling and you were there in one moment, shirt sleeve rolled up, tapping for a vein. Your wife sitting right there, knowingly or unknowingly wonder what you were doing. I wonder what her reaction was - did she accept this as a 'simple' mistake? Did she ask you why you didn't just hang up the phone? You had a split second to choose your wife, but you didn't. You chose to soothe your ego: you indulged yourself at the expense of your marriage.
"It didn’t sound like a fishing trip from her. Do they have to?
Any attempt at connect is, in my opinion, an attempt to engage in the affair. It doesn't mean that they are necessarily wanting 'you' or the 'affair', but they are wanting your external validation and are too selfish to do their own work to move on.
"She does works for us. Was it business? Was it her natural flakiness? Does it have anything to do with her birthday is Monday? Is she going through all the same questions that I so regularly go through and think about? Was she hoping that I was home alone? Was she really calling to talk to my wife about business? I can’t list all the questions that have gone through my mind in the last sixteen hours."
NONE of these questions matter - because the answer is the same: it doesn't matter. Really? Do the answers to any of these questions matter? How will they bring you comfort? Who the freak cares? I know you do - but ask yourself, why do you care? You are allowing her to get back into your brain and squeeze her way back in between you and your marriage. You gotta fight harder than this. You have come too far for this Rather. You have more insight into this than you are demonstrating. I can see how fully the fog has blinded you. You don't even sound like "you".
"The conversation was too short. I wish I hadn't been there to answer the phone."
Just like the alcoholic - one drink is too many and a thousand not enough.
"I have been sick just thinking about it. She didn’t say anything out of line."
Her actions were completely out of line, and so were yours. She could have just stayed silent, and it would be all wrong. The actions are what matter - remember - not the words. Both of you acted in dis-respect - for one another and for your families.
"If something happens that you have no control of, how can you explain it."
You may not have wanted this call, I know you didn't, but it revealed exactly where you are at in moving forward, and your vulnerabilities. I think it is SO important to reflect on the choices you did have, the control & power you had, but decided to NOT act upon. Recognizing that we have choices is so important in moving forward. We always have a choice to move in a different direction. And believe me, I know that it seems like you had no control in the situation, but you did. I remind you of this, just as I remind myself. If I don't have any choices, power & control in the situation, then I will be left feeling totally helpless and victimized. Use this situation as a learning opportunity, and a spring board to moving forward. Don't give her the power Rather. Seriously, your beyond this, aren't you? I believe in you.
The 'devil' exists inside you Rather. She is not the devil, even though her behaviour was destructive to you. The battle to heal is within you. You have no choice but to get a grip, ground yourself and start moving forward again.
I will look forward to hearing how you are doing, and I thank you for sharing your painful story with us. I know I will take your experience and use it to examine the many areas of healing I still have to do to prepare for a such a 'moment' in my life.
Stay with us Rather, and remember:
"YOU only miss what could have been. I know YOU don't miss what really was." (-:
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
I have to agree with TU on everything she
~Iddy~
RMB
My heart goes out to you.
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
It doesn't matter if it was a simple mistake or not.
BINGO!!!
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Rather -
I think the phone call has caused you to have the realization that (as others have pointed out to me) your XAP is still "renting too much time in your head". You are right - her calling your house was the "more right" thing to do, if in fact she really needed the information or whatever prompted the call in the first place. My advice moving forward would be to always look at caller ID before you answer (I absolutely don't understand this one - maybe I'm obsessive, but I always look) If it is XAP, let it go to voice mail or if your wife is there - hand her the phone and let her answer it.
Bodhi :)
RBM,
You gave me some of the best advice upon my entering this community, and although you are so much further than me I will give my best crack at this.
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I think Bohdi's idea of xAP renting space is a good one. However, I know it's not easy to be a landlord who just throws the renter out on the street, and doing so is could just lead to the renter being more destructive. I guess I am just saying that maybe planning it out completely is actually a mechanism to help you NOT act on it. Especially if you the geeky type. Having a cluttered thought about the situation would just lead to increased anxiety, resulting in acting irrationally. Instead, because you have it all planned, as you went to put the plan in motion the rational you, the STRONG you, would be able to take over and keep focus.
I can however totally relate to this specifically. I have thought about how I would want to send a card to my xAP on her birthday, and what it would say. This year on her B-day was the first time we saw each other (and the EA turned PA) and so that day has added significance. I actually thought I could send something and in it would just say "I still think of you everyday and hope you are well". This I would do after 7 months of NC!!! Right, sounds nuts enough that there is no way it will happen, but I still thought about it!
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And soon 6 months will be a long time, and then a year...
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Dont stop thinking to highly of yourself! Is it better to set goals to high for yourself and come up a little short, or set goals way to low and achieve them with minimal effort and no real growth? I can speak for me and admit I dont know for sure at all. With the amount of space XAP is renting in my head right now I can't imagine it ever being vacant. But what I do is believe in those that have become sure. Have moved beyond, yet still come back here to reassure us that it is possible, such as Victory's post earlier this week. And believe me, especially being a newbie (and proud of it, of course I am a big fan of Scrubs) hearing such things is almost a double edge sward. It is so comforting to think that eventually this pain will go completely away. Yet at the same time to think that someone who caused me to take risks I never imagined, and feel the entire gambit of possible human emotions, will eventually be completely indifferent to me was a hard and bitter pill to swallow. So can anyone KNOW how far they can get...NO, but we all can have BELIEF in how far we can get, and with that comes belief in each other.
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It is no one's fault. I myself got caught up in that part of your post, and I am sorry. But you know what RBM? Doing so really, really helped me refocus after an extremely hard day on Friday (where I myself invoked the 48 hour rule for the first time). Reading your account of your reaction to just the word "Hi". <>
My timer ended right then. I knew there was no way I wanted to put myself through that after how hard I have worked over the last few weeks. Also, along with the desire I know is still there, I still have deep caring for XAP, and I in no way wanted to put her through any kind of similar agony. So again I am sorry to get caught up on that, but at least know that while doing so shifted focus from the root of your problem, it helped clarify the root of mine.
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You only think that because you think so highly of yourself, and so do I my brother, so do I. Dont ever stop! I hope that as the time winds down on your 48 hour clock that you have found some peace. And have once again found that old you.
Peace&Light
Foggy