Single Women- Dating after the affair
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| Thu, 06-09-2005 - 11:52am |
So I am a single woman, and I have made a conscious decision to date again. Throughout the entire affair, I have considered myself single, but I believe I have pushed prospective partners because of my feeling and sadness for MM.
I think dating someone (perferably single :) ) will help me get out of this long period of emotional ups and downs I have, butI don't know where all the "good" men have gone. I am 25, and the quality of people available or at least the ones interested in me seems to have seriously dwindled. Now, I am not sure it it is my lingering feelings for MM, or I have changed since being in this relationship with MM. I would say I am reasonably attractive, and I have a good job. I am at that age where pretty much all of my friends are already married or on their way there. The only prospects lately seem to be jobless or men close to twice my age. Once you reach this age, do you just take the left overs or am I just being picky?
Believe me, I am not even looking for marriage after my experience, just someone to enjoy spending time with and not feel bad about self worth in the process.
Another thing, do you ever find yourself feeling sorry for people who are getting married or engaged? I find more often then not now, that I hear about an old friend or a co-worker getting married and my first thought is to pity them (not out loud of course), but this is definitely not normal.

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omg - me - yes - I do - same thing here... UGH!!!! I couldn't agree and identify with your post more!
TOTALLY feel like the quality of guys out there now are leftovers... I've been a member of match.com and eharmony and yahoo for about 4 months and I've rejected about 100 guys... had interest in MAYBE 10 (that might be stretching it), seriously emailed 5 and talked to ONE on the telephone - I've not GONE OUT with a SINGLE guy!
I've found there are two types of guys left... 1) the leftover guy... the poor souls who've never really dated to begin with... the "dork" still looking for a good soul to see past his physical appearance. I wish I was that good of a person... I just end up feeling sorry for him and moving on to the next guy... who tends to be 2) the independent bachelor who for whatever reason has found himself still single in his late-twenties. He's "laid back" and "will try anything once" ugh... I feel like I could recite his entire profile. He's into sports and all outside activities - including physically active things like "hiking and mountain biking" he wants you to know he's fit and likes his physique. He's the kind that won't go for anything less than the HOT, skinny, blond; although that MIGHT be the reason he's still single.
Anyway... I can't STAND thumbing through the ads because they are truly one of those two! And then these guys who are in their late-twenties and divorced. While I'll give them, alot of people get married too young and then realize what they did and some of the divorces out there are much needed... I just don't see myself marrying a guy who's already gone down that road with someone. Already watched a woman (or girl) walk down the isle and *thought* she was IT for him! Did they not realize the huge commitment that was or did they SERIOUSLY think that was the one for him? Either scenario doesn't thrill me! Although seeing a man who LOVES his children gives me a sense of admiration for him... I don't want a man who has already experienced that either... I want his admiration to be about OUR children - I don't want him to have already experienced watching his child come into the world because I haven't yet!
Okay so I obviously have alot of hoops already set up and I don't need to tell you all ALL of them! LOL But I could... cause they ARE important! :) :p
But like you lvlyleyla - ALL my friends are married - I don't have a single girlfriend - that sucks! (where do you live? LOL) and most have children so it's just hard... I love my girlfriends but sometimes - even though I'm not really the "going out" type... I'd like to have someone to go out and "scope" with! :p And while I FEEL like I'm ready to start looking and try to move past the stall the A put me in... I fear being too cynical and a new guy picking up on that so never really giving me a chance - or just putting my baggage off on him! :(
I COMPLETELY agree with you about actually FEELING sorry for people that are getting married - and while I'd like and envision myself being married SOME DAY... I actually feel sorry for my married friends... like "they think THEIR husband is different" How sad! :( Some times I think, they think I'm sad because I'm single and it's hard for me to be around them and their "family" but honestly - after I've been around their "family" for any period of time - I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to head home to my QUIET apartment, with my PERFECT little dog and lay down and take a nap - with self! :)
So... do I WANT marriage? Or do I seriously NOT believe marriage is worth it?
Anyway... your post obviously hit a cord with me... I could go on and on - cause this IS something I've thought alot about! hope to see you post more! :)
Did they not realize the huge commitment that was or did they SERIOUSLY think that was the one for him?>>
I am divorced and while it is your decision to want a never married guy, you shouldn't judge other people for their mistakes lest you be judged by the same harsh standards. How would you feel if someone you met rejected you because you had an A? Noone goes into a marriage expecting to get divorced.
It is hard out there for people of all ages. I am 32 and it's a reality that most guys are married or else have serious issues keeping them single. Eliminating people who are divorced eliminates your choices.
JMHO,
Ivy
It's okay. Its just that I've been on Match and I know that the divorced thing is a huge turnoff. I know that men think the same way you do and I just wanted to give you perspective.
Divorced people deserve a chance too! Actually we probably would treat you better since we are wiser and more mature.
Ivy
Actually, there is something about a single never married not necessarily being the best match for a divorced person and vice versa. I have been in the dating pool for a while and know that as a single never married person when I have dated a divorced guy we do not come from the same experience.
Also, I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to start a relationship with someone who already has kids. There are so many factors that you have to consider when dating someone with a child or children.
Of course I am posting this on a board about affairs... ironic... :-)
Children are a whole other area altogether. Yea, a lot of people are turned off by someone with kids. Luckily I don't have any. xMM has 2 and while I was willing to have a life with him and them (before I realized he was full of sh&t about his divorce), I'd be lying if I didnt say that it was a concern of mine - money wise and time wise.
I have dated divorced and single guys and I think some divorced guys are not over the fact that they are divorced and seem different, preoccupied with their story and their ex. Others dont act any different from single guys. Personally, I guess I preferred the single guys. lol
But my initial point was that they were talking about the lack of available men and so on...to each his own.
Ivy
i think it's a little silly to poo poo a whole group! Just think about what divorced people think about single people... they have never been married, what's wrong with them. LOL. i think it's silly, but you are only hurting yourself by over looking such a big group of people. Besides you never know when someone special will come along and change your mind LOL.
My biggest problem is that i have huge abandonment and trust issues after dating a mm for 2 years. Plus i was married myself before that, since 21, so i have no real dating experience.
Good luck
jen
well I'm sorry you all think I'm silly for over looking them... but it's just the way I feel... same thing with any other "criteria" for who we are willing to date.
Thank God you aren't me and let me have my opinion! ;)
girliegirl...
YOU ARE TWENTYFIVE! You are making yourself sound like you are 65. Available men dwindled???? please. In this age of information, communication abilities and global contacting, agencies, workforce, hustle bustle....you are limited only by your own self.
twenty five...and she is thinking her time is over :::nodding head in disbelief:::
I am going to go read the rest of your post. I had to stop and wipe my monitor outta shock.
Girl you are fabulous, young, smart, probably very attractive and ONLY TWENTY FIVE. I have a rule, i dont think people should be married until after 30...YOU ARE ONLY BEGINNING TO LIVE at your age. You have no idea how exciting and how much you will grow from 25 to 35 even. I can't wait until you are 35 and look back and think about what you thought at 25.
Rock on girl!
::walking away towards t-minus two-weeks-until-40::: (please don't put me in the nursing home Lvlyleya) LOL
Lizzie
dang... are we the lone "singletons" around here?
Girl I TOTALLY understand the urgency factor... it's not like we are OLD and desperate - but we'd like to find someone wonderful now to GROW old with! I sure as heck don't want to wait till I'm 35 or older to find my mate... I *think* I still want to have children and would prefer sooner rather than later. But I'll be 29 this Saturday and I'm starting to think each year that goes by I don't necessarily want to be running after kids... so while 29 isn't "old" - I didn't plan nor do I think I want to have kids after 35... or so.
Anyway... those that are older than us and yet by NO MEANS "old" - try to minimalize our ticking "time bomb" NOT CLOCK necessarily - but the desire to find "him" and start that part of our life - I totally know the feeling of the days flying by and feeling like the options are getting fewer and fewer or atleast not as appealing! :p
Okay - I've said enough on this post... just drop me a line if you feel like chatting! :)
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