sister ran into XOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
sister ran into XOM
5
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:42pm
Well I havent been here in a long time. My Affair ended May of 2003 and my XOM was enaged less than a month after our breakup. I obviously was very hurt. At the time I was separated from my husband and we are now close to our divorce being final. What a mess !!

Anyway Im surviving well and glad to not only be out of the affair but soon to be out of a miserable marriage too, and me and my twin boys are doing very well, my carreer has REALLY took off and I will be buying a home as soon as my divorce is final and CANT WAIT!!. So all in all I have been GREAT - but this morning I got a call that just made my heart stop...


You see my sister ran into XOM and I am kind freaked out about it and felt this was the necessary place to go to talk about it. I guess after he left me - he has completly changed his life - stopped drinking which is great, and has a new found life in a church -I guess thats his whole life now, was recently babtized. He also is indeed getting married and it will be in August this year. He also asked my sister how I was doing and I dont know why I am upset she said this but she told him that I am still going through my divorce. I feel for some reason thats a negative towards me because the whole time we were together - off/on for 2 years - that was the talk and promise from me- to get divorced.

You know the deal... Anyway I am sure he heard this from her and said to himself or envisioned that I am still in the same place. Which I am sooo much better off then I was when I was seeing him - I still have left over feelings apparently of hurt and anger because I want him to know how much better off I am without him - AND that bothers me. I know I am not supposed to care and I know that I would NOT want that man in my life - he is someone who has alot of emotional issues -- but it just really stirred me up today. Why does it matter???

(sigh)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:47am
MB~

You know, I heard something not to long ago that made me think....it was something like "the best revenge you can get on a former lover, is to lead a happy, productive, healthy life without them". I think that all of us here will always carry some vestiges of the relationship on our soul....some good memories, some bad...but always to remind of us the lessons we have learned, whatever they may be.

Even you said yourself, what difference does it make? Really, what does it. Who cares? It sounds to me, but I may be off base, that maybe you still carry the hurt that things didn't work out like you had planned...you left your marriage and then he took off--ouch, that would HURT anyone. If he truly changed as a person, *try* to be happy for him...I mean, what more could you want for a friend...but for them to be happy?

Big hugs...I just hope to be in your position someday...divorced and doing well (career wise) and not fixated on exMM ALL the time.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:28am
Thanks dharma-

Yes you are correct I do still carry some hurt with me. It was very painful to lose EVERYTHING - the man I was married to and the man I was having the affiar with. I have had time to heal and really take a look at things and realize that despite those loses - they were blessings in disguise. I could never be where I am today (AND I do still have further to go) if I stayed with either of those men. I was very codependant with both. I have learned to enhance my life FOR my children and myself as well- with my husband and the other man it was all about "what can I do to enhance THEIR life, make THEM feel better" In the end it didnt matter what I did~~ they needed to take their own paths to grow that didnt include me and well same for me!! I am happy that the xom is finding something to make him happy - still hurt about the finding SOMEONE "else" because it was so soon after our ending. But life goes on and well I do realize his reasons for moving on so - I still have work to do on learning to forgive him and myself as well apparently.

Anyway thanks for the post and I do hope it give you or others who read my story that you can SURVIVE the ending of an affair - yes its painful but in alot of ways it has made me a better - more humble person and one who will NEVER ever be selfish or hurtful or cruel in such a manner ever again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:11pm
mb~

Your post is full of good things and it sounds like you have really moved on with things! What you have realized about yourself is priceless. And gives me hope that maybe someday I'll get there too...because, honestly, there are just some days where I feel like I'll ache forever and feel like I just lost out on something big. There is such a vast ache and emptiness inside that I just can't seem to put my finger on, that exMM seemed to fill so completely, so spontaneously, so beautifully...but if was 'meant to be" then things would have worked out otherwise. I'm sure I'll find the answer eventually.

thanks for your post!

good luck!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:40pm
you said "there are just some days where I feel like I'll ache forever and feel like I just lost out on something big. There is such a vast ache and emptiness inside that I just can't seem to put my finger on, that exMM seemed to fill so completely"

You will not ache forever trust me! The best thing you can do for yourself right now is SHUT all the doors in every area from this xmm. ITS HORRIBLE to do but trust me its like a leak in a damn -just one more crack in the wall and it will all come flooding back and you get sucked back into the mess. I cant tell you how many times that xom and I broke things off - you could probably find dozens of posts back in 2001 from me here talking about our on /off. Wow I was a mess - so was he. Until he finally maintained no contact I NEVER would have made it!! I am sooooo thankful he did!! Was I like you? In massive pain -Oh my god yes! Did I lose someone special - yes! But I lost him because it was the greatest gift to both of us. A inner peace because my life became whole again - I didnt feel guilty, I wasnt living a lie. Another item you stated about his filling YOU up- honey NO ONE can do this but YOU. AND it wasnt HIM - it was the drug and the fantasy that filled you and that my dear is like eating 10,000 calorie cake everyday and although it didnt put fat or pounds on you - it has put a weight on your conscience, self esteem, self worth. An affair is dibilitating and it takes time to heal!

One day you will look back and realize like me that yes you had something special but the price attached was just wasnt worth the expense !! HUGE HUGS -- MB~~MaryBeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:56pm
Oh, Mary Beth, the sayer of wisdom...LOL. (sigh) I *know* what you are saying to be true...but there is still pieces of me that get caught up in these silly romantic notions of it being more then what it was...and its hard to deal with the reality of it. But it slowly dies each day. My exMM is definitely the stronger of the two...and I know he will never contact me again, as I asked him not to and I know he will have enough respect for me to do so. BUT, still I kind of hope to see something from him. Its really crazy and quite oppositional in thinking....but I'm up one moment and down the next. I keep thinking...maybe I'm bi-polar....LOL. Its like I have to re-train my brain from thinking about him....but he was so nice to think about---definitely an escape.

I know that people cannot "fulfill" you...but they can certainly compliment you. However, I guess for that to occur you have to be pretty grounded....and more and more I see that I have some stuff to work...right now, I'm pretty broken, and not just because of exMM but mostly due to my awful marriage....from which I'm seeking to get out of.

But deep down, I know you are right about all this...it just takes time. (sigh)

dharma