This site has ruined my affair
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| Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:01am |
I have been on to MAS and read posts and all i see is impending heartache for those in an affair, including me of course.
I dont want to have people empathise about how it must be hard to get a chance to meet up etc.
I now need to read and hear about how it is possible to end the A. My religious beliefs prevent me from even contemplating divorce, and that is even assuming me and the AP got together which is a big if. And if we did, the guilt would kill that relationship, i know it would. SO THERE IS NO FUTURE TO THE A.
My AP is now on holiday for a week. She will ring when she get a chance. Is it ok to end it now or is that unacceptably cruel, given she will be suffering whilst with her H and children?
Shall i wait until she is back and in the meantime keep communication to a minimum?
Rob

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Ok. I can assure you that I know I am f ****** up. I have been to my doctor to get a therapist. I have confessed to a priest. I am meeting a male friend tomorrow to tell him.
I am in love with this woman. I am trying to break the spell that is all. I hardly ever acknowledge a bad thought about her. I feel I am more responsible than her for this.
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O you bet that is every thing you said and more. Rob, that reeks of being all about her. And it seems she is playing on your emotions, the state of your marriage and just maybe this is all a game for her. But she doesn't know that 'cause she is letting her own demons and addictions (love) rule her. Back away and run rob. Clarity's post was spot on and full of points to think about. Step out of your affair box and take a long, hard look at this. Is this how you want to live? Do you really like the guy you see in the mirror every morning?
Are you concerned or worried about hurting her feelings by ending it? Don't be. Save yourself. Rob, I stayed in my affair way too long because I wanted to be nice, wean him off and leave with as little "noise" and drama as possible. That only delayed the pain. How I wish I had done what I knew was right instead of letting addiction to him guide me. Best of luck to you. I hope you hang around, this board has been a lifesaver for many.
Welcome to EAS Rob. I am glad to have you on board. Your title certainly caught my attention. EAS ruined my A too and I could not be happier. You've received a lot of good advice here, and I am not sure I have too much more to add. I guess what I would say is this- just as TU said you have to think of yourself and what it best for you, I urge you to take it one step further and think of your wife. If getting a divorce is not an option for you, then your only option is to devote yourself to your M again. It's impossible to do that as long as you are hanging onto any part of the A. Let go now, for your sake and your wife's sake and get back to living your real life as soon as possible.
Others have already said that there is no good time to end an A. You must just end it. Prolonging the ending is cruel- not only to yourself, but to your AP, as well. Ending it is kind - it allows all parties involved to get on the path to healing and end the cycle of pain.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hi RP,
You both have an addiction, you´re her addiction and she´s your addiction. So what would you say to a meth addict: get out NOW or wait till you´re back from vacation. I would say, get out NOW! Every minute more in this A is a minute more you´re risking a D-Day. D-Days happen even when the A is already over.
You´re deep in the fog, so all you can see now is what she thinks and what she feels. Been there, done that. Maybe you would like to hear the POV of a endee who thought at the time that xAP was very cruel with the way he ended it. Did it take longer or shorter to heal? I honestly don´t think it mattered. Maybe it mattered at the time (one year ago) but it doesn´t matter now. You´re not going to be friends with this woman, so what you say or do is of little importance. Of course she will suffer, who likes to be dumped? But maybe some day she will see that you ending it was for the best, regardless of when or how you ended it.
She is in vacation, with plenty of distractions. It´s as good a time to break up as any.
Be well,
Pru
Ok, thank you all for your advice.
I dont want you all to think i am a heartless man. I am not. I am just trying to get an angle on this so that i can look upon my AP with something other than rose tinted glasses.
I got a dreadful scare recently in this A, when i realised how addicted i had become. I belong in a 12 step fellowship that i had been neglecting and now
Hi Rob
Knowing how badly ending my own A hurt me, I would advise you to wait until she gets back from her vacation.
I sometimes hate to hear other people say they are "addicted" to the other person, but I know that is what it is.
Knowing we are f'd up and then actually doing something about it are two different things, and so I'm
I had exactly the same experience on MAS...it just was not for me.
Just a note...the thought that she is "suffering" with H and children is a myth the A fog makes you and your AP tell yourselves. Does he beat her? No, he takes her on a nice trip.
As the fog lifts for you and her, she will see that there are worse things in life than being on holiday with her family (like losing it all for someone who will never divorce).
Hey Rob,
With interest I have been reading your posts.
Anyway, I would like to suggest that maybe you can write down a list with all the things she hurt you with in the past... things she said/ things she did/ things she did not say (and hurt you) / and things she did not do (and hurt you). Write down what you don't like about her... and stuff like that.
I have many such lists and it always sort of helps me to read them over and over again.
I wish you all the best,
HTGO
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