Sitting here thinking....What is/was it

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Registered: 03-05-2003
Sitting here thinking....What is/was it
6
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:21pm
about our ema partners that appealed to us that would cause us to not use the best judgement? I know that we are all smart, attractive sensible people on this board. I am sure that there were other instances when we were flirted with, approached, etc. by the opposite sex. Thinking back, I just can't believe that I didn't say "thanks, but I'm married" instead of "thanks, I'm married but maybe we can get a drink after class sometime". I mean come on, that is not something you would do. Why did I feel such a connection to him? I seriously felt electricity (pathetic but sooo true). And now all this time later, I can't get him out of my mind or my heart. If only........

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:17pm
It its got to do with insanity. Believe me, i have been framed for it. :-)

Think of the times you went back to him, same thing, insanity. Funnily enough, he want us to be back to where we were these days and I don't. Why?? I don't want to hear any more lies, emotional arm twisting just to keep me in the A. I am sick of all the lies. As it is its bad we are in an A, why add more to the mix? I have been where he where is right now, emotionally speaking, did I twist his arm for that? NO. I just wanted to know one thing if there was really someting between us or had I imagined it?? What did I get in return for that simple request?? Nothing, Nada.. So why should I obligated to comply to his request to feel sorry for him now after all these days after all the heart break and bloody lies??? Nobody gave me a break, did they?? There is no favor here to return. I have to be stupid or a simple idiot to go back now.

I have been sick too but who cared for me?? Nobody. I was left to tend for myself and my wounds. I know truth hurts but there is only so much crap that can be ingested in a R.


Edited 6/9/2004 2:26 pm ET ET by go_fish

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:54pm
Fish you have to let go of all that anger and hurt inside you. It has be with you stopping all contact with him and ending it completely. That way you won't be so angry and you might ty to forgive him for the past. Forgiveness realizing he is also human with his own faults is the key here. Please don't hold grudges, they only make you an angry person. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him and truly move on...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:57pm
HI Karry

I don't know if it is who so much as when they catch you, if this guy hit on you a month before or after he may have failed completely, but he hit when you had some sort of emotional weakness that could be exploited, maybe a emotional disconnect from DH for some reason, anyway just a thought.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:24pm
Dear Karry: I can only speak for myself, but I think in many cases there was nothing remarkable about the OMMs. In my case, it was totally about ME!!!! While I was in the A I thought my XMM was the most wonderful thing to ever come into my life. After I painfully ended the A, I slowly started to realize that it wasn't him. In fact, in many/most respects, we were completely incompatible. Yeah, there was electricity and the sex was incredible. The thing was, he was filling a need for me that my DH couldn't. And that need I had was incredibly selfish.

About the time that I met XMM, I was going thru some really tragic events in my life (lots of death and illness in my immediate family). Because XMM wasn't part of all the drama in my real life he was able to be there, 100%, for me. My DH couldn't be there 100% because he was being affected by the same tragedy and had his own grief and his own process to go thru. DH and I both ended up in "other" relationships, only to eventually reconcile as we muddled our way to acceptance of all the loss we suffered. In short, I used XMM as an escape. He knew that, and was more than satisfied to be the escape,until he started to fall deeply in love with me. Then he wanted a larger role in my life.

So I think if you look really closely at where YOU were in life when you met your OMM, you'll probably have some great insight into WHY it happened in the first place. Chances are, the more you process this the more you will realize that it wasn't him at all - it was you. JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:43am
You know what Karry? I don't think it was the man. I think it was the timing and where we each were & where the man was at the time. Some deep need inside each of us was crying out to be filled and we weren't paying attention or taking care of that need or those needs in healthy safe ways. When 2 deep needs find each other & they match up -- fireworks resulted that we interpreted as love and passion.

I also wondered about that moment when I could have looked at him with shock when he caressed my hand (over drinks of course) and said No way, let's go right now and we can't spend any more time together like this. Now wait, I did do that, and it triggered 3 mos. of conversations about what we could & couldn't do and before I knew it, those conversations were being conducted with both of us naked.

I'm over a year affair-free (divorced mom of 2 a year out of a very bad marriage when the 3plus affair started with my "best" guy friend who just happened to be married). Ending the affair was so hard, even when I was ready and met a single guy I cared about. It took about 6 mos. of therapy to heal and forgive myself, mostly. I still struggle with forgiving my MM, even though I know he was just sad like me and needed someone just like I did. I'm so angry I wasted 3 years of my life though I guess when I can forgive him, I'll be all healed!

I haven't talked to my xMM in almost a year now. I don't miss him at all. I don't miss what we shared at all. I'm so grateful that I found my way to freedom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:22am
Pretty much nobody in a perfect M would go for an A. Contrary to a man, even if the sex is kind of boring, women doesn't get into As that easily. She has to be in a vulnerable state or have problems in the M that go beyond just sex... In my case it was a lot of fights with my H, long separations because of work and stress that got me into an A, and it was the OM that pursued me for months before I even realized he was interested. I didn't find him that attractive at first, he wasn't my type physically. Go figure. For him I was perfect, an object of desire, but he backed off when the object turned out to be a human being with feelings. So I also wonder, like all of you, why I didn't use my best judgement.