A slightly different topic: what about the kids?

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Registered: 12-31-1969
A slightly different topic: what about the kids?
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Wed, 08-15-2012 - 6:45pm

Hi.

I'm wondering... since many of us are mothers and fathers, how has it been, caring for your children during this whole process of ending your A? Have they helped or has it been harder to be there for them?

Avatar for worthmore
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Registered: 10-20-2012
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 10:47pm
I found it easier to be there for my dd. Between work and xap, she had developed a deep loathing for my smart phone. Now that I no longer have to hover for xap's emails, I also find I'm not glued to the handheld for work either. She and I have reconnected because I'm not looking for a better option. She is the best option and, without the fog, I can see that now.

Maybe it's a question of interpretation but I never considered the "ending" to be a process. The ending was quick. Cut off its head. The healing was the part that took a long time. It's really still going on.

I hope your ending has been quick and it's the healing that's taking up "this whole process" for you.
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Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 9:01am
My experience has been similar to soglad's, but the "migranes" lasted for about a month after ending. I am not proud of those times, telling DS to make KD for his sister and himself.

However, my children, with their love, joy, enthusiasm and sense of humour have helped me through the bad days on many occasions and with that help me focus on what is real and important.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 9:26am

As a mother during my A, I was on autopilot.

I did not put my children first in anyway. I would put my sms'ing with xAP first. I would no longer read them goodnight stories because that would mean ½ an hour would go by were I couldn't text

Once I was so busy on Messenger with XAP, that I left both my kids in the play room watching TV until 2 in the morning. They had fallen asleep on the sofa - but hours had gone by where I didn't look into them.

I would be constantly checking my mobile phone even while they were talking to me, or when I was helping with their homework, driving them in the car.

I put xAP before everyone in my life, including my 2 precious beautful innocent children. I would spent weekends in bed, not getting out, telling them I was sick, just staring at his IM status, crying. I would be so tired from smsing or messenging til 5 in th morning that I couldn't get up and eat breakfast with them.

My son was only 2½ when I started my A, and he has missed out on a caring loving and attentive mother I could have been to him. My daughter was older, as less demanding of my full attention, so I don't feel I lost complete contact with her. I have worked hard since I ended my A to be a better mother in every day I can, and today I have a really happy and loving family.

I was close to ruining everything. I think I caught it in the nick of time. My son can't get enough of hugs and cuddles now, and our relationship has never been better.

So my kids were a huge help in helping me through my A, they gave me focus and the energy I needed. If I couldn't do it for me, then I was doing it for them. Turned out I was doing it for everyone equally.

love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009

Hi TU

Yes, Its pretty tradgic reading, and for a long time I have been scared  to reveal the actual "details" of the A, not just on EAS by to myself. I was more focused on how I felt about HIM, and how on earth I was going to get over HIM. (which is a valid part of the healing journey, no doubt, but a foggy one looking back on it - I can see now that getting over him was the least of my problems!)

Focusing on the ugly parts, the darkside of the A, has been painful, but theraputic. Admitting that it was me that nearly detroyed a family. For a long time I have been blocking out the real details. Now by bringing them to the surface and having a good hard look at my actions, it has really made it all hit home. Your right, the days I came home high from being with xAP, no one could have convinced me otherwise than my A was the best thing for me, my kids and my marriage. The truth, if people are brutally honest, and painfully dare to look how its really affecting their families, its a whole new story.

My xAP didn't have children, maybe thats why he did let me go, and maybe give me a push in the right direction. Though, if he did have kids, it might not have made a difference.

And I totally agree. if there is no other reason in the whole world to end an affair, then to respect your AP's children is the best reason in the world. The difference in my children since I have been out of the A, is incredible. My kids were getting nervous around me, never knowing which mother they were getting. "hyper happy unbeatable" mother, or the "depressed, sick, tired, cranky" version.

I'm by no means the best mother in the world today, but they could do a lot worse - send them the me i was 7 months ago.

WGO

 

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 10:43am
Y, I went back and read your story. I'm sorry you found yourself in such a difficult situation. A rejection of our children is a rejection of ourselves. Here's my (slightly off topic) take:

I don't know if your xap really had a problem with your daughter. He definitely didn't want to be in a relationship where there would real life expectations and real life consequences. Do you remember that woman who drowned her two beautiful sons because her affair partner said he wasn't interested in being in a relationship with a woman with children? I wonder about that man. I doubt he intended that woman kill her children but he may have intended she hand them over to her husband (ex-husband?). It's got to be a sick power trip. In your case, though, it tells you all you need to know. No man who loves you would ever want to hurt you and would never use your daughter as a reason to end a relationship. A man who loves you but who isn't ready for the responsibility for parenthood would not tell you it was about your daughter. He would tell you, quite honestly, that it was about him. That it just wasn't going to work out. He would take the piece about your daughter to his grave.

Fortunately, you've already received great advice about your xap. With respect to your parenting, you are on the edge of fake it 'til you make it territory. It's okay that it's hard.You've already proven that you can do hard things, very hard things. Focus on your daughter. Do the things that make her safe and happy. Remember that it's our job to help our children grow up, be responsible and make good choices with their lives. That's something we need to model. We're a bit behind because we lost our way but what matters is what we do today. Each moment, make a commitment to be a good mother. Sometimes that means spending time on her. Sometimes that means spending time on you. It never means robbing time from her to spend time on someone else. The hard part is figuring out the difference. For this, I've found baggagereclaim.com to be super helpful.

Keep posting. Be kind to yourself. Make sure you're not looking for answers from someone who doesn't matter. Hug your daughter when you're in doubt. And minute by minute, day by day, you'll heal.
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 10:46am
TU, I think your post needs to go in the healing library, possibly under the subject "My responsibility as a human being". Powerful stuff here.
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Registered: 05-10-2012

I know i def was not present to my kids during the affair at all. I use to read to my kids all the time at bedtime, I would send them upstairs getting ready by themselves all the while I was messaging back and forth in my own little world. Then I would bring my phone upstairs and going from one room to another rechecking and messaging all while they are trying to talk to me. Then I would get irritated because I couldnt focus so I would probally after they said mommy 8 times snap at them and say WHAT!!!  then when they asked for a story I would say no because they took to long getting ready...so I would tuck them into bed quickly and go back to my world!!!! It was awful.....I cant beleive I did it. I forgot everything. I loved cuddling with them in bed and reading to them and I stopped doing all that!

Then when reality hit and dday came...I had to pretend at home with my kids..my h...that the A meant nothing....its been hard...but its been 4 months and I def am more present with the kids now. It unbeleivable how you lose site of everything important to you.   All that was important was the drug that my A was giving me and I needed that constant fix.  Its still hard...some days I just want to be alone and I dont want to have to talk but thats not possible and its not their fault mommy did something stupid. SO I think I have given them a good summer all things considering!!! I tell them I love them lots now...I look into their eyes and really see them! Its still hard though everyday but Im glad its not the first week of Dday anymore as that was the worst week of my life....my weeks are still super hard....I have good days and bad days but at least I can have some good moments finally!