Slipping - need you.
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-18-2010 - 2:36pm |
I feel myself slipping today. Today I am to be a meeting with him
but I canceled, actually I canceled all the meetings I was to be at with him this week. I am missing him, (no I know I am missing the 'fix' I got - that need to go 'Junk-in' kinda feeling). I long to hear his voice and just make 'a-little' contact. I know he is suffering, this came outta left field ('cuz he wouldn't have noticed the signs I was backing-up). I haven't got out of bed today. I have slept all day and now have a terrible head-ache. I had horrific nightmares of giving away my children to be with him, and of his telling me over and over that he rather be with her. Both themes aren't too far off the figurative mark.
I feel weak. I realize what a difference it is between saying you're going no contact (but knowing you're actually just waiting for him to prove it will be okay), and really truly going no contact. I feel like I want to rationalize low (emotional & physical) contact, like substance abuse counselors who preach Harm Reduction (myself included).
So, knowing I am in trouble, I have come here first. I have a 'safety plan' for when the urges hit. I am going to get outta bed, take a shower, cry, call my bff who knows every little detail, and read the email I wrote to myself about my own reasons I will not break NC but I could sure use your hand to help pull me out of this space today.
Thank you,
J.
ps: i have this feeling I am going to start becoming a posting regular as I move through this ...

I don't know what "Harm Reduction" is, but it still has Harm in the title; I don't like it.
Sounds like you are about to do the right things - get up, get going, quit wallowing. I know how you feel and it's hard to snap out of it, but I have faith that you can do it and good job coming here before you do/did anything you'll regret. And, if you break NC, believe me- you'll regret it.
Know that "this too shall pass". You just have to push along in the right direction.
We're all cheering for you!
Dee
Grab ahold of our collective hand!
Sweetie,
I
Hi Jodi,
Sorry you are hurting today but I’m glad that you came to the board to ask for help.
Sometimes it helps give perspective when we go back and read our old threads. Here are some snippets and also some direct links to the posts:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending/?msg=27692.8
From message 27675.4: I had the chance last week to spend 3 days with him ... and get an insider's glipse on what our normal everyday life would look like, and I realized 'holy cow!', this isn't what i thought it would be. It was pathetically ordinary. He was pathetically ordinary. I am grateful for such insights that I wonder if many of us get the chance to experience. Uninterrupted time to really taste what that life would be like?
Forward is a direction, not a time line.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hello All,
Omgoddess, thank you for helping me snap outta it. E1 those snippets and your comments about the women on this board showing more care and concern, couldn't be more on the mark. To each of you who spent time caring for me today, well, you each know how much that is worth!
I did as I said. Got up, had a shower, picked-up my daughter early and now I am cooking dinner.
I feel 'that' wave for today has passed. I couldn't wait to come home after getting my daughter and read what was written to me. You all showed-up for me in a way that I didn't expect. Over and above. It is truly unbelievable how we get used to having to wait for care and concern to be shown to us by our AP's. But not here, extend a hand, and one is already waiting to take it.
That's the most generous gift one can give and receive.
Thank you,
J.
Jodi,
I too can not wait to read posts from the board. Yep, they all chime in, those vets will either cut and paste or do like E1 with links and all and snap you back into how you felt when you were hurt or when you had a good positive thought or perspective on your situation. They will remind you of what you think you might be missing...quick!
This is an amazing board. SIMPLY AMAZING. We could not pay for a better group of people who really truly CARE about us.
Stay the course and know that we are here. You did so good by coming here and that is the way to get thru this. Narrow, arduous, painful, long, path, but one that works...
Hang in there, enjoy your daughter and keep us posted on how you are doing
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
We could not pay for a better group of people who really truly CARE about us.
Oh?