Slow cleansing breaths

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Slow cleansing breaths
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:30am
I think I'm doing OK with all of this, then something sets me off track. Yesterday was a good day. I made it through with flying colors! I reconnected with an old friend and felt I was very productive at work. When I got home I wanted to buy something online that XMM told me which site had the best deal. I couldn't remember for anything and was afraid to call and ask. I caved when his day was nearly over figuring I'll make this quick since he's getting ready to leave. He was surprised to hear my voice, then couldn't remember the site. I think I flustered him and that's not what I intended. He said he'd email me the link today when he finds it. I said, "OK, sounds good. Thanks." I immediately wished I hadn't called. I felt fine, but didn't want to leave anything "open" like that. I feel like I'm not playing fair, to either of us.

Fast forward to late last night. I was making the rounds. You know-checking blankets on kids, lights and doors, when I saw them come home. (We're neighbors too) They have been going to therapy forever and since she just found some old emails, I'm sure their session was rather eventful. Not my business, I know, but I can't help but wonder. I went back to bed feeling really bad. I don't think I was missing him or "us" but I was feeling bad about the all around situation. I no longer believe in "someday" for us, but as an outsider (which is a stretch) I see nothing but misery for either of them. They've had two therapists basically tell them it can't work. She's been threatening divorce, suicide and running with their son for over two years.

So here I sit and ponder. I'm glad I have this outlet. I'm glad I'm not the only one. It just hurts more now that we can't be friends when we worked to keep our friendship even after we shared our intimate feelings. *sigh* thanks for the support and encouragement.