A small realization
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| Thu, 03-10-2011 - 2:11pm |
I'm beginning to understand that healing is a series of tiny realizations culminating in cumulative wisdom and change.
Yesterday I posted how sad/angry/destroyed I was that xAP had reached out to me, telling me, "I'd rather fight with you every day than not speak to you at all." At first this sentiment touched me, but then I had my tiny realization: He doesn't feel this way because he enjoys my company so much or because he loves me. He feels this way because even fighting is attention, feeding his addiction and stroking his ego. Who have I been kidding? He LOVES it when we fight because he delights in the fact that he possesses the power to provoke me. He loves that he's capable of making me SO angry, because he loves knowing that my feelings for him run so deep, that he has the control over me to affect me that much. For the narcissist, indifference is the enemy. He doesn't care if we're "together" on good terms or screaming and cutting each other down to bloody stumps with hateful words; it's all the same exact thing. Attention. A reaction. "Passion," as we used to say to justify it...ha!
He fished and said those things yesterday because he's anxious and dissatisfied that all of my thoughts are not absorbed with him anymore. That is what we fed off of, knowing that both of us were absorbed with thoughts of the other person at all times. He had to interject himself into my thoughts. Provoke me into a fight. Hear me sighing across the hall and even sniffling because he had upset me. That pleases him. And that is fundamentally sick. And I have been guilty of the exact same thing. Until now.
I'm not going to lie. The thought of him reaching indifference frightens and sickens me. My ego is still wrestling with that thought, even as I run as fast as I can toward indifference myself. But eventually I won't care anymore whether he still cares or not.
Maybe this is a realization all you Enders have already had a long time ago in your journeys. But we have to learn these things ourselves, don't we? I'm happy for my small realization :)
How about everyone else? Any "small" realizations lately?

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