Small steps...
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| Tue, 01-25-2011 - 5:16am |
Well I read a few great posts where some EASers have resisted temptation, or had an enlightened moment so I felt compelled to share my little 'win' this week. Its really little- so lower your expectations now guys :)
My exAP is European- I wont say which country though (just in case). His accent and European suaveness was abig trigger for my attraction to him and I associae all things from that country with him, Since our A started I have found it hard not to moon or go mushy when I heard anyone with that accent, or saw pictures from that country etc. Of course since the fog lifted and I ended the A- I have HATED anything to do with that country and even avoided my own snapshots etc from a holiday there pre-A days!
But this week I watched a movie from that country and was immersed in the subtitles. I got half way in before it even dawned on me that it was from exAP's homeland and the were speaking a language that exAP speaks. It sounds like a small thing but it made me sooooo happy!
Isnt it pathetic that you have to sink so low before a glimmer of the top of the gutter is enough to make you smile :) But I am laying in the gutter, looking up, and step by step Im getting out :)
There- that was my small step....
Iggy x

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Hey again guys
I am sooooooo humbled by how supportive and friendly you all are- its bloody wonderful!!!!
Yeah Foggy Im in total NC and have been for quite a while. I was counting as you said, then I broke NC, then Id start again, then he'd contact me ... blah blah. I decided that I wont count as resetting at zero was making me feel worse! But I have stuck to NC for a few months now and luckily he hasnt tried to contact me. I still live in dread of that TBH as Im not sure how I'll go. I think Ive explained before that I have blocked him at all locations now except my phone as its a plan under my H's name and I dont have the 'authority' to make changes with the phone company. Trying to arrange it through my H would be a bit hard to explain.
But I feel pretty good these days. I have realised a few HUGE things thanks to EAS and my reading. I have used the A to avoid things that i dont like about myself. I have accepted this, forgiven myself, and reconnected with positive parts of my life that i have neglected so badly.
I TRULY see what a fog I was living in when I was in the A. I realise and accept that there was no 'love' despite what I thought at the time, and that I was indulging in the most base, disgusting, selfish behavious imaginable. I also see him quite differently too. He is not some lost soul caught up in a M he didnt want. He loves his wife- Im sure of that- he was indulging in selfish behaviour too that had NOTHING to do with me. We were simply each others tool of escape and destruction- nothing more than that. I mean nothing to him- he means nothing to me. Full Stop.
I always thought Id be so sad when/if I could ever say that and GET IT. But I dont- it surprises me endlessly! I feel good saying that. Its like a huge weight is lifted. We meant nothing to each other- it wasnt real- it was a fantasy that could have caused disaster.
Im in a good place now- well not really as Im dealing with all the crap I used the affair to avoid- weight, health, marriage, work, life- all the stuff I put aside while I acted like a whore in some hotel. So its tough work- but god its great to find me again. I look in the mirror and say 'Hello you- where the hell have you been? We have some work to do. Pull on your big-girl pants and lets get into it!'.
Im also back on EAS more thanks to my new iphone and my realisation that doing this alone was tougher than I thought.
So here I am and here I'll stay guys. Hey crack out the champers btw- its Australia Day and a balmy 117 degrees here- UGH!!
Love ya's
Iggy xx
Oh quick PS- I dont want anyone to be in doubt that if exAP EVER contacted me again, that I would respond. I wont- and Im 100000% certain of that! The A was in the past and the biggest mistake I ever made. I asked him to let me move on last we talked and he is doing that. If he weakened, it wont matter. I will never go back, I am no longer lost. I found me again and I love it!
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