A Snag in my Armor

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
A Snag in my Armor
5
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 4:38pm

Today I have been NC 20 days and I could not be more proud. Since ending my A, I've been doing fairly well. My H and I are working on things (we start MC next week) and I've been looking forward for the first time in a long time. A week ago I received my first "work" email from my xAP and the sight of his name in my inbox knocked the wind out of me, but I came here, re-read some of the good stuff in the healing library and got through it with very few tears. Fewer than I would have expected anyway. Since receiving that email I've been chugging along, following the rules of NC, re-reading the items from the Healing Garden that give me strength, working on my marriage, and focusing on regaining my self-respect and dignity. I've actually had some really good days with my H and have been very productive at work. Then there's today....

H and I had a nice date night last night. I was feeling good about disentangling myself from the A. Then, I saw some sentimental commercial on TV- kids blowing out candles on a birthday cake and some other family-ish type stuff. And for the life of me, I don't know why, but I became suddenly sad and started thinking about it being really over... completely done. My xAP and I will not be running off into the sunset- and I know this because I know all of the reasons the A was bad and I know all of the reasons that I decided to end it. There's absolutely no way I want to feel like I did near the end of the A- always miserable, physically ill, wracked with guilt, wracked with longing for a man I could have only part of. But at that moment, it hit me hard. I've been taking it a day at a time, so to see a commercial about stuff I have planned for the future (kids, family, etc.) kicked me in the gut. I won't be having those things with xAP like I've thought for so long. He already has those things with his W.

I tried to shrug it off last night and turned in early, hoping that today I'd wake up and have that hopeful feeling I've been experiencing for several days now. But, I woke up and he was the first thing on my mind and has been all day. I keep telling myself it's just a low and I know it will pass, but I needed to post here. I know you can all relate. The real kicker happened just about 30 mins ago. I had to go downtown for a meeting and saw his car. My stomach dropped and a tear escaped before I even knew I was crying. It was a full on panic attack. Just when I think I am strong. Just when I think if I ran into him I'd be able to smile and walk away... I need some cyber hugs right now. I need some to reinforce the things I already know. I need someone to tell me it will pass, even though I know it will- it doesn't seem to be doing me any good to tell myself today. I know it's not him that I miss- it's the attention, the excitement, but right now I feel like I miss him and I need you to tell me I am crazy and strong enough to keep NC. I don't want to ruin my progress. 20 days is a big deal to me.

Thanks all for reading :)

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 4:48pm

(((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))

I am just now facing up to what I've done. I've only been able to manage a few days of NC before caving. But I am starting over and tomorrow is day 1.

I just wanted to say that I know where you are, I have been there, I know the panic and the sinking feeling and the desperation. Hang on, hang in. One moment at a time. Breathe. You can do this. We are behind you.

I can only dream of 20 days NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 5:01pm

I just logged on to EAS because I, too, am having a tough day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 5:02pm

Hi SLOJ28,


I felt the same as you last Friday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 7:41pm

Thank you all for responding. After such a rough day, I came home to a home-cooked meal and a lovely vase of fresh flowers from my husband. As soon as I walked into the kitchen, I started crying. I felt so many emotions at once: I felt stupid for having spent so much energy dealing with xAP crap, I felt guilty for having put my very loving husband through all of this (he's been through 3 D Days and is still here), and I felt grateful that my husband has forgiven me and is making real strides to make our marriage work.

I've spent a lot of time tonight browsing through blogs- some written by single OW's, some by married OW's, some even by OM's. It helps to know that there are others out there going through the same roller coaster of emotions. Even though I don't post as often as others, believe me, I am here every morning reading through the day's posts. You all inspire me and give me strength.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 7:49pm

Congrats to you for making it through the day!!!!!!

I know how you felt when you got home- tonight my H was very sweet and loving, and it made me feel awful- but so grateful for the love I do have.