So Angry...Is this a good thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
So Angry...Is this a good thing?
3
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 12:10pm
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Edited 5/10/2005 8:13 pm ET ET by despr8housewife2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 1:54pm

I don't know how much help I will be. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was in a similar situation, except that my XMM didn't want to let go. I had to end it because I just could not handle being in an A. It is not who I am. I was in a similar emotional situation with my DH. DH was on verge of what I tell our T now of a verbal abuser. He was very unsupportive, always yelling at me, etc. I guess after awhile it just kept chipping away at me. At the time I thought the A was the answer.

Now looking back I was dead wrong. I was just in an emotional fog. Plus I loved my H I just was in a terrible emotional place when I decided to have the A. In fact I tried not to. But everytime I said I couldn't, my H would end up yelling at me or something and then for some reason it would justify what I was doing. So I see why you felt you needed the A. I thought the samething.

As to coping, it is difficult. It is less now then it was. I'm learning that the A showed me that my family and my DH are important. Although, T didn't work for you, it has been a lifesaver for myself and my DH. He knows how I feel now and I know how he feels and we can work together. We are not battling like we once were. The thing I struggle with most is guilt. Guilt for what I have done because my DH doesn't know about the A. But during my A I just kept praying for God to show me the right thing to do and he did. Now I just pray for him to forgive me and show me how to be a good wife and mother.

I think for you coming here does help, espcially in the beginning of ending your A. It helps long after that too, but you will see with time you won't need to post as often. With time you will find you way. This board will try to help you. It has helped me tremendously.

I wish you well. I know the emotional toll an A can bring. All us on the board have good values, we just went down the wrong road. We make mistakes. The bigger mistake would be if you don't learn by it.

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 2:33pm
despr8,
I am so glad you shared your story. We ARE a lot alike I think. I am almost 28 I have bben w/ my H since I was 18 (married at 21 though..baby at 24) We also had a serious rough patch after the baby. He is by no means a workaholic though...but he has anger issues. Long story short...I started an A with a single co-worker. He was great at frist..long emails..great conversation..told me how cool of a girl I was. It's funny that you said that you wanted to be him. I always say the same thing. I think I was more in love with the idea of being a single person again, and having his life. To run around and have fun and be adored. Great escapism! We are having our mid-life crises early I think! Instead of sports cars we are getting boyfriends that treat us like crap! LOL!
I wanted to touch on what you wrote a bit though...
<>>>
Girl, you still are a good person with good values, morals etc. You just made a decision to have an affair. Not murder. This will change your life forever. You will be a different person from this forever. But it does not define us as bad people. If the love is their in your marriage I firmly believe you can get it back. The stages you will go through are going to be a doozy however. There's the sadness and loss stage. You feel like you are almost breaking an addiction of some sort during this one. Next comes the angry pis*ed off stage (this is my fave) This one you spend alot of time diagnosing your X with every available personality/psychological disorder known to man. (the word narcissist seems to get thrown around alot) You will also use this to your advantage to get passed all the sadness. Because hating him is better than crying over him and since we can't run them over with our cars this is a good way to handle these emotions.
The third stage is like a limbo stage i think (sorry..i lost my ending an affair handbook/userguide lastweek) then you might be able to move into the "I see the Light" stage and finally take responsibility and be at peace w/ yourself and your actions.
Yes, this is a long process. And I think you can jump back and forth between each stage as needed.
I wish you the best with everything.
Now I am apologizing for the obnoxiously long post...but you inspired me!
~hugs to you
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 3:41pm

Nutmegg - It's funny u mentioned running them over with our cars. I actually thought about it! Is that so wrong? Just kidding! Well not about thinkning about it, but I'm sure I would never do it. Then THAT would be murder and then I would be a bad person. Right? Right. So I just wanted to thank you all for the support so far. This has been very theraputic. It's one thing to read the postings and try to relate, but to write out your feelings just feels so much better. Thank you.