So ashamed
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So ashamed
| Tue, 05-11-2010 - 5:51pm |
It has been a while since I last posted. I didn't feel that I had the right to be here. I did something really stupid. I e-mailed him. I was having one of those self pity days. Nothing was going right and I thought "Hey, what would it hurt to send him a little e-mail and see how he is doing?" For those of you thinking about doing this just let me tell you...It hurts! It hurts bad. He didn't respond. Of course he didn't respond. And yet again I give him a little bit of the dignity that I have left. A couple of days after I e-mailed him I found out that I wasn't the only OW. I'm devastated. How could I be so foolish to believe that I was? I was almost 2 months NC and now I am back at square one and feeling horrible again. I actually feel much worse this time. I'm shutting down again. My H knows nothing of this e-mail. How could I be so selfish again and again. Why can't I just get over him? I am hurting bad. I just cry and cry. I was nothing. I am just starting to realize this and it hurts so bad. I know this will pass. I know I will be okay. I know the right thing to do so why is it so f'in hard to do it. I can barely function. As I stated previously we never had fights, we didn't decide to end it. Now I am just starting to see all of the lies. My perfect fantasy that we had is shattering. I'm seeing what it really was. I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. I've been crying all day and can barely think straight. And I'm sorry I let you all down.

Oh, WIWTB, even though I'm not as experienced as some of the wonderful women here, I felt so compelled to respond since your story is so similar to mine. I was in your exact shoes exactly one week ago today. I made it to 5 months of NC and re-engaged in the A again. All it took was a couple of times where he made contact and I caved. Not as strong as I thought I was.
It really does seem
WIWTB:
I am so so so corry for your pain right now. My heart broke just listening to your words. I, as missbennett, don't feel as experienced to offer a great deal of advice, but I will try. I am 70 days NC... still a newbie really. I understand your pain so well, as do all the ladies on here. You are not alone, you are not a faliure and you cetainly need to let go of the shame. What is done is done and you cannot take back that slip you made with your actions of emailing....BUT, let's try and find positives here.
First of all, I truly believe this was a blessing in disguise for you. The heart wrenching pain and embarassment and shame you feel, will only NOW fuel your desire to end this for GOOD. Once you get past this pain, you will finally start to see this for what it was. The "FANTASY" you had in your mind was make believe. You now KNOW for certain that he was not the man you made him out to be. You have found out his true colors and although that caused you even more pain this time around...use it to your advantage. YOU deserve better, YOU ARE better than that, YOU are not just another notch in anyones belt...so start to believe that! he used you as he has with the other women. Let him go and HEAL those wounds. We all messed up here, but we are all HERE...so that in itself says a lot about our characters. We are all willing to forgive ourselves, become better women, change our behaviors, and so on... YOU are here with us, so begin to do this again, step by step, day by day. Tomorrow will be brighter than today, even if it is still cloudy, it will not be raining...and that is a start.
Keep posting and huge HUGS
Awww, Who-
You didn't let us down. So many of us have caved a time or two after trying to end our As. You know that. I think you're hurt because you've disappointed yourself more than anyone else. It is truly humiliating not to get a response, huh? Yep. BTDT.
Like others have said, use that disgusting, pathetic, embarassed
My sister, first my (((hugs))) to you.
Thank you ladies so much for your quick responses. You will never know how much you just helped a complete stranger. I just wish that I would have came here instead of e-mailing him, but I can't take it back. What is done, is done.
I think I have hit rock bottom. I cry all of the time. Luckily my husband is out of town till Saturday so I don't have to explain it to him. I had to wear huge sunglasses to my sons ballgame today because my eyes were so puffy. I wasn't even really there. I couldn't concentrate on the game. This is so not me. Who is this woman? I am so selfish. My husband has made it quite clear that if I ever talk to this man again that our marriage is over. Yet, I did.
"
((WIWTB)),
I know it had to hurt, and now you will have to start your grieving all over again, but the good news is that NOW YOU KNOW the truth, and remember, this will always set you free once you acknowledge and accept it.
Looks like you've
~Iddy~