so ashamed, so hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
so ashamed, so hurting
2
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 4:21pm

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 4:34pm

Dear Always2,

Let me take you by the shoulders, stop you from spinning and say:

"you are loved ... you are worthy, and you will once day be well again."

Always2 - I can hear your fear, your hurt, your frustration and hopelessness. But you know who you are - deep down underneath all the garbage that was piled on top of your soul. You are a human being who was deeply wounded by/with another human being - but you are NOT what you are feeling. That's the voice of your damaged self talking.

Drinking today made you vulnerable and unable to focus on just staying the course today - of staying NC.

Now - you get to decide how the rest of your life plays out. And that's the great news. You have the power - you always did - to take care of yourself. Sometimes people come into our life and for a time being make it impossible for us to see & feel it. It's there.
So is all the control and courage you need to pick yourself back-up and learn from this very difficult day.

You can't give up - nope - you have a life to lead - and no one - no one - gets to take that from you. You just have to stop giving 'him' the power to do so.

I wish I was there to give you a hug.

Take care of yourself,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 4:59pm

Alwayst,

Sorry, but I 'm not going to buy into your pity party. Finding yourself feeling lonely, thinking about Xmm, and drinking are not only a bad combo, but also 3 things that you DID have control over so don't be blowing smoke up our arses that you "Can't seem to let go of control." Sounds like you did a bang of job of doing just that.

Okay, so you were actually referring to why you can't cry. I get it. Thing is, I didn't shed a single tear after my A ended either. What's there to cry about anyway? That you ended a destructive fantasy that was played out in your head more than in life?
Hardly tearful material. I think most women on here cry because of the time wasted, the integrity that was thrown away, guilt and remorse. They think it's because they've lost the AP, but did any of us ever really have them to begin with? We fooled ourselves into believing so much bullsh*t. If you are going to let loose with the tears, let it be over something worthy of them.

<>

The only person you have let down is yourself. Now that would be a good reason for crying. If the tears still won't come, it's time to book an appointment with a T. MC is all well and dandy, but there is much more going on here than meets the conscious mind. If you truly believe you are not the person people think you are, then perhaps you are not the person you think you are either.

Food for thought,

   ~Iddy~