So confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
So confused
6
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:59am

What does everyone think about this?

It's been almost 2 years since OM ended our A,..i was the married one,he was divorced.
When things ended,they ended badly(i wasn't ready for it to be over)and it's been a long,hard tear-filled 2 years.He told me after he ended it he would like to check in from time to time to catch up as "friends",and we have had very few moments of contact since then...all of the "moments" have been either thru email or IM.

For the last few weeks there have been several IM's,mainly forwards i send to him and his replies to them.Two weeks ago i forwarded a joke thru yahoo IM and his reply was to let me know he had been in my town the last two days previous to the IM,and he also admitted he had been looking at all the faces while here to see if he might catch a glimpse of me.I told him i was sorry he had not and his reply was" oh well,maybe next time..with all the training seminars and classes i know i will be back"....

i'm trying with all my heart not to read too much into this but it's hard....he is re married now and claims he is happy and loves his new wife(although he married her only 4 months after claiming to want only ME for the rest of his life)....

can someone give me their opinion on this?Why is it hard for me and him to "just be friends",why are all the short little conversations we have so strained and tense?

Someone please help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: solost27
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 1:22pm
Many of us have discovered there is no way to move past these EMA's unless we have no contact. When you have contact, there is always that memory, always that chance for resentment of what you went through with that person. So many emotions that are hard to ignore. It's a relationship that had dishonesty as it's foundation. How do you go on from there and act like "friends"?? I just don't know that it's healthy. If he is remarried he needs to break contact with you as well, and focus on his marriage.. staying friends with a person we "cheated" with, leads to many frustrating feelings, and situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: solost27
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 1:37pm
its also rejection over and over and over..."good enough to be friends" but nothing more....is a type of rejection for me. No contact helps me at least with not feeling rejection as the person who he doesn't love.
Lizzie


Edited 5/2/2005 1:39 pm ET ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: solost27
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 1:43pm

hi lizzie,lea,all,

yeap,its rejection all right, or maybe abandonment, i got the flu so im staying home, it sucks to stay home

anyways, its driving me nuts to stay home coz i think of OW all the time

tell me about rejection, OW left me and did not even say goodbye, i guess part of that is my fault also, 50% i guess, i take responsibility but still the pain is the as bad for me, i just wish she would say goodbye to me, i still am waiting for her to send me email or call me someday and say goodbye

just shoot me,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: solost27
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 2:00pm

max,
Do you really want to hear someone say goodbye ..."nice knowin' ya...take care?" I HATED how "friendly" my exMM sounded. "Hey girl..take care of yourself" as if he was telling his neighbor etc. No it wasn't angry etc...but it was complacent as hell. The opposite of love isn't hate..its complacency.
Its one thing to know with out doubt that they don't love you...but altogether another to hear it..the words resonate, the lasting "goodbye" isnt always what you want to remember.
Just my opinion,

Becareful what you wish for,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: solost27
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 2:16pm

hi lizzie,

i was just thinking if she would say it to me i can stop thining of the "what, if's ", some closure of sort

its driving me nuts, anyways, i still miss her, its only been 3 weeks and counting of no contact from her

oh well, just a food for thought

max
:(

still stuck in time

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: solost27
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 7:31pm

((solost))
I am going to say something that might sound harsh, but I think it is a strong dose of reality that you very much need.

If OM *really* wanted to see you, he would have. It sounds like he is throwing you a bone just to keep you hanging if and when he decides he chooses to see you on one of his business trips. Doesn't this sound a bit one-sided to you?

My suggestion, and it is just a suggestion, is that you cut off all contact with him. Until you fully get over him, and move past the A and allow yourself to grieve and eventually heal, the pain will still be there. I know, I have been there myself.

You need to move on with your life, and stop living with the hope that someday he *might* want to be with you, or he *might* want to see you. You deserve so much more than that.

Best of luck, and keep us posted as to how you are doing.

((hugs))
Circe