So confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
So confused
10
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:44am
Hi,

I am so confused and would appreciate any insight. My MM and I have been together for two years. We have really gotten close in the last six months. Both from ending M. I am separated and he has the papers but not given them to W. He has had them for two months. He says she has emotional problems and they have a child and would like to do what is right for everyone. I have been asked to wait and trust. That was fine with me, until last week when he blurted out that they are going on a small vacation together with their son and some other friends. He has known about this since the beginning of February and did not tell me. They are leaving this weekend. I am so upset. I feel like he has been lying to me. He said that he did not mean to "not tell me" the time has not presented itself. He says that they are not going as a couple. They were asked to go from the friends and they wanted to do this for their child. I feel like I cannot compete with this. I told him last week that I needed to be first in his life or nothing at all and then he pulls this. Am I overreacting?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: luvr2728
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:20am
From an outsider's perspective, in the "easy-for-me-to-say" category, I think you are not overreacting. I think you should have no more contact with the guy until he is out of the M. If you let him have his cake, he will have no reason to leave her. That's one thing I've learned from this board, for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: luvr2728
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:54am
Hi Luvr

Have you seen these papers with your own eyes??

Sounds like standard cheating MM B/S he's feeding you.

I agree with the other poster your not over reacting, cut him out of your life tell he can hand you a divorce decree, I bet you never see it sorry.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
In reply to: luvr2728
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:19pm
Being dishonest by omission is still being dishonest. I remember being very hurt by something that my xMM just hadn't told me because he didn't want to hurt me. I still found out and felt like I'd been lied to.

By definition, an affair is a "dishonest" relationship, but I always felt that xMM was completely honest with ME. This was like a slap in the face and really made me wonder what else he hadn't told me. I hated feeling like I would only get the complete story if I asked the right questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
In reply to: luvr2728
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 7:21am
Thanks for your message. I feel the same way. I told him that I was upset because I did not know what he was not telling me. I have always felt that he has been honest with me. Even if it does not make me feel better. He has called every day since he went on the "vacation for the son" I think he feels bad. I know that this is not what I want or deserve. I told him I will not do this anymore. He needs to get it together or lose me. He asked that we work on that when he gets back. He would agree to anything I wanted. I am not sure if it is MM BS or what. I love him so much I can't think about any other option but to be with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
In reply to: luvr2728
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:13am
I think he is totally just telling you what you want to hear. He wants to keep having the best of both worlds. You really should be strong and tell him NC until either 1). You see the papers and know that she got them or 2). He leaves her for SURE. Don't fall for his whishy washy behavior. He is on vacation with his wife and I am sure they are happy there. He may be calling you on the side, but he is with her. NC is what you need to make him get off the fence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: luvr2728
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:40am
Hey Luvr: I just wanted to add my two cents, for whatever its worth. I was in an A for 2 years and I truly loved the OMM. Like you, my OMM went ahead and filed the papers, etc. I said I was going to, and in my heart I truly believed that the day would come when I did file the papers and start my life anew with OMM. But the day never came, and eventually I realized I was the proverbial cake-eater. I didn't mean to be. I truly loved OMM (or at the time I believed I truly loved him, now I'm not so sure) and I truly thought I wanted to take that step. When push came to shove, I realized that I just couldn't end my marriage. It's not that I didn't want to end my marriage at times, just that I couldn't do it. At that point, I had to stop and admit that I wasn't being fair to anyone. OMM was investing tons of time and emotion shopping for an apartment for us to share, and I was not even willing to admit to myself that I still enjoyed going out for a cup of coffee with my H (supposedly STBH!) and chatting with him about how our days went. That didn't necessarily signal to me that I wanted to stay in my marriage, just that I had no business roping OMM in any further. He's a good man (okay, Confusion, he's a handsome man with a mediocre job and no future! that's my mantra for today!) and I couldn't keep stringing him along. I just can't emphasize enough that I never meant to do that.

IMHO, your MM may be doing the same thing I was. He may not intend to hurt you or be dishonest, he just doesn't know which end is up right now. Big hugs to you! Maureen

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luvr2728
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:24am
I agree with all the previous posts. He will string you along, as long as you let him. We didn't say it would be easy. But he needs to make a decision.

I told my XMM, that I would not be in an A anymore. I told him.....when your D is final (nothing pending, on file at the courthouse), you have a job, AND!!! a place of your OWN, have SET visitation with your DD, and have some sort of daily routine, THEN AND ONLY THEN, give me a call. I told him I WILL NOT be a part of his lying and dishonesty any longer.

Well, he's call to say everything, but the above mentioned things. It's been hard, but I have not call or contacted him in anyway since March 13. I know in my heart that phone call will never come. He will never stand up and be a man, and take care of business, and end his marriage TOTALLY.

Anyway, NO COTACT!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
In reply to: luvr2728
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:32pm
You are NOT over-reacting.....

Have you ever heard the song from the musical "Oklahoma" called All or Nothing? Perhaps you should download it because it is time for "all or nothing". The next time he calls, I think you need to tell him that until he has moved out of the marital home you would prefer it if he didnt call again.

This might sound like game playing but it does 3 things.

1. If you do this right (with firm but gentle consistant words) it gives you the power to know where things stand because it was YOUR decision. If he respects your decision and doesnt call, you will not sit around wondering why. Take this time to find new hobbies and interests. You will only add to the depth of your life.

2. There is nothing like a "break-up" to force someone to think about things. Up until now he has had no serious pressure to make a decision.

3. Because nothing happens overnight, if he us unable to make the (very difficult) decision to leave his wife and child, you will already be on the road to a life without him.

Your happiness is NOT contingent upon him. It is ALL about YOU. When you find happiness with yourself, good things will happen for you. If you have only been out of your marriage a short time I think you need a little "me" time.

Start writing in a journal. Dont read what you have written for a few weeks. It is the best (cheap) therapy around.

Here are the lyrics to the song I mentioned earlier:

With me it's all or nothin'.

Is it all or nothin' with you?

It can't be "in between"

It can't be "now and then"

No half and half romance will do!

I'm a one woman man, Home lovin' type,

All complete with slippers and pipe.

Take me like I am, or leave me be.

If you can't give me all, give me nothin'

and nothin's what you'll get from me!

Kind of silly, but I think it is appropriate to your situation.

Keep your head held high!

aquagirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
In reply to: luvr2728
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 1:29pm
Wow the support you have all given me is wonderful. It hurts, but truthful. MM comes home from the "trip from hell" (of course his words) tomorrow night. Before he left, I told him that I felt NC might be the way to go if he could not get it together. He asked me to give him some time and he would do whatever I wanted. Do I give him a time limit? I did not want to rush into marriage. I would like to make this public and not a secret anymore and see how it grows. If it is the real deal then great! I told him that if he could not handle it, I needed to get on with my life. He said he could not fathom being with anyone else for the rest of his life. He wanted me and just tell him want I want. I really don't need a parade, I just wanted to be able to spend quality time with the man I love. Then the "vacation for the son" bomb was dropped. I have known for years that they are unhappy and until reading the boards, I believed him when he says that they are not together. They sleep in seperate rooms. She will not leave. She is a punisher, cold and verbally abusive. I met her one time and she was very rude to me. Anyway, he calls last night spouting how he wants to go on a trip with me(which I can't understand because he is afraid to be seen with me) and what it would be like for us to travel and be together and it made me sick. HELP!!!!!!!! Do I NC? DO I give him the benefit of some time? He says that he would like the time and see me while he works it out. We have so much more together than just sex. I know that sounds nuts, but, I believe he is in a bind. ME TOO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
In reply to: luvr2728
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 7:54am
Thanks aquagirl,

I am going to print the words to Oklahoma. you are right, they really hit home.

Hugs to you.