So depressed today

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
So depressed today
10
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 12:36pm

It's been only a week, and overall I have done well, but now that I've totally blocked him the reality hit me this morning like a depression sledgehammer (some of you may recall, I have bipolar disorder. Well, this is a major trigger. I'm spiralling down now). My therapy of choice is acupuncture, so I am going after work, but it's the moments up until then that I am struggling to get through. I miss xAP so much. I can barely eat, sleep, or focus on work. My heart aches. I know he's not what is good for me, but life feels so colorless and sad now that he's not in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2011
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 10:43pm
just wanted to say I know how you feel! Hugs to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 10:42pm

I know it hurts.  We've all been there.  I'm just new myself, just 12 days since I stopped all contact with my Xap.  I wish I had more advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that in those 12 days I had some good days, too.  Hang in there, Red.  You will not always feel this way,  you'll have ups and downs, but you won't feel as bad as those first few days you blocked all contact.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 6:04pm

That was a whopper of a trigger...big OUCH.

I'm glad you were able to pinpoint it.  Other triggers may come along and are not so obvious, but it's usually something...a song, a place, an anniversary...we just have to think about it.  It helps to recognize where it came from and to recognize one that is coming up upon us...so we can prepare for it.

I'm thinking back....way back.  I remember it got to the point where I was doing most of the calling to get together now.  And I realized I had pushed it somewhat.  Just the thought of his rolling his eyes as in 'her again' when he heard my voice...or a touch of cold to his voice, was enough for me to say, 'that's it...you'll not hear from me again.'  

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 5:45pm
I have to admit, there was a major trigger for this. I had forgotten about one IM account we once used to communicate, so I signed on this morning to delete him... well I saw he had already blocked me. Really hurt, but I think this rejection will help in the long run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 5:44pm

After years of traditional therapy and all sorts of medications, H and I agreed they hurt more than helped. There is no way to completely prevent my moods from fluctuating, and I'd rather have some highs than live robotically. I am in a highly creative field and struggled on all my meds - none of which made me feel good at all. So I am managing it naturally the best I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 2:30pm
Hi Red and hugs!
Im sorry you are feeling in so much pain. I remember it all too well, everything just seems so overwhelming and hopeless. BUT it will get better slowly but surely, litlle bit by little bit. Hang in there Red and take each day as it comes, hour by hour if you have to.....

You can do this
(((hugs)))
Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 2:21pm
Hi Redlight,

I know what your going through, just the thought of it now makes me shudder. I don't think anyone here truly forgets the pain when an A ends. It's such a lonely painful time, because the only person you could share with has been locked out of your life.

But by locking that person, you are protecting yourself against a far worse thing. You are putting a stop to pain, even though it may not feel like it now - you have put a stop to the pain and you have started an amazing journey, which with time you will start to embrace and enjoy.

The first big steps are hard, but trust in us and the process. There are far too many success stories here for us to be wrong. You are doing the best thing for yourself and your family. Keep remembering you are in the process of something huge here and be so darn proud of yourself!!!

Redlight - you know I'm pulling for you - I always have. I hope you make it this time sweetie, we've got your back.

You've got one life, don't through it away or waste it not being happy, use every ounce of your energy on making it the best experience you possibly can.

LOVE WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 08-23-2012 - 12:52pm

((((Red))))

I know..I know..taking those final measures to ensure that it is the end, can really throw us for a loop.  I'm relieved to see that you set yourself up to see your Acupuncterist...it's important to take care of yourself.  And I'm glad you came here.  We are a collective shoulder to cry on.

It's going to get better, Red...I promise.  These first few days are going to be tough...please, just ride them out.  There is no way out to the other side...the brighter side...to a better life, but to go through it.  We all know how you feel.  Find the posts of those who talk about being where you are now and assuring everyone that they made it through and are starting to feel better every day.  

This is an important time to really take care of yourself.  Eat healthy, drink plenty of fluids (not alcohol) and rest as much as you can.  

Let us know how your appointment goes.  

Believe me, once you get through this...and it's going to take a while and some work on your part, your world will be full of color once again.

I think the lesson here...for most of us...is that it is never a good thing to make someone our everything...so that when they go for whatever reason...we can't stand up and we fall down.  It shows us that they were just a prop..holding us up in life. Being able to stand on our own two feet...no matter what...has to be what we strive for today.

((hugs))

Clarity