So emabarrassed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
So emabarrassed
7
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 8:29am

I know you are all right but a girl has got to learn on her own I guess... I went "fishing" for xap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 8:42am

((((jap))))


I know that hurt and I admire your bravery for sharing it.

I deserve my Dignity.
NC since 2/4/2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 11:40am

Please find a way to leave this man alone. You wrote that all the men you love have wanted sex from you even your DH. To be honest, sex is EXPECTED in a M and your DH should be the only one you are giving it to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 1:03pm

I know I need to seek T, I am sure this is what I needed for reality to set in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 5:13pm

jap~

Yes, the shame WILL go away eventually, and you WILL regain your dignity. But to get there, you are going to have to put in alot of work, dig deep, find inner strength that you never knew you had and face many demons that you've never faced before.

And those feelings of not being able to eat or sleep, feeling sick, feeling exhausted and hating yourself are all normal feelings, and there's many of us here that have (and still are) experienced and are experiencing those feelings. But....you will HAVE to experience those feelings to get through...from the 'dark side' to that light at the end of the tunnel - the side filled with integrity, dignity, healthy self belief and self esteem and a life lived without lies, pain and deceit caused by A land.

You CAN do this my friend, it feels like a living h*ll right now and I can tell you, I know EXACTLY what that feels like. That fear of facing a life ahead without xAP in it, but also having to face, and deal with, the shame, the hurt, the pain, the humiliation, the anger....the list goes on. But it CAN be done!! We both know that, going by the stories of the wonderful tweeners and vets on this board.

Dig deep jap~, deeper than you've ever done before. Start believing in yourself. Start believing that you deserve SO MUCH better than all this. And get into IC as soon as you possibly can. Use this opportunity to deal with all that crap from your past once and for all - get to the bottom of the 'whys' so that you have the best understanding you possibly can, and then be armed for the future so you don't fall in the same trap ever again. Start working on your M, give it all you have (although that my take a while as you may need to grieve this ending first - I'm not an expert on that one and I'm trying to get through my own situation right now!).

We are here to support you, and you only have to ask.

Be Strong xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 5:23pm

Girl, you are not alone.


I was a fisher too. And i had my exAP tell me to leave him alone, more than once. It is crushing to get rejected. It is a rollarcoaster ride, especially when they flip flop and change their mind on you.


For me, every time I say no, i regain a little bit more distance from him. A little bit more dignity. But as soon as i say yes, or i fish or reach out- it is gone iN AN INSTANT and i am back at step one.


I don't know what the answer is. But I just wanted you to know that someone else has been in your shoes- reaching out and wanting him just to get turned down. (((HUGS)))


It will get better. Just breathe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 6:06pm

It may not feel like that right now, but actually it's the best thing he could do for you. There is no doubts left, no "what ifs". It's over, and it's a reality that you have to face.

I wished my x would go NC on me. It's so much easier to move on this way than to fight off daily fishing and keep your guard up at all times.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 12:49pm

Thank you everyone for your postings, they have been inspirational but they still did not take the hurt away.